DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Kare I have never understood how someone could suggest or try to tell someone else that they should have kids. Kids are such a massive, long term commitment and so much work that I can’t understand how anyone would wish that on someone who doesn’t want it or isn’t ready for it. People who know they don’t want kids or know that they aren’t ready for kids and manage to avoid accidental pregnancies and unwanted children should be applauded. You’re doing a lot right if you know you don’t want children at this time and you don’t have them. Yay for you!!!
I agree with you Kate. I never thought by taking a break from dating, I’d automatically find the man of my dreams. What I wanted to do is be extremely comfortable with my self and the idea of being alone because there are no guarantees. Couple that with dating quite a few men that I really knew deep down had no real, long lasting potential but I’d still feel hurt when things didn’t work out, so…. I decided to change that. I decided to take all the wise advice from my therapist and this site, learn to be comfortable with myself, and when I felt comfortable, find someone I want to date, not settle for some guy just because he may or may not be interested.
So here’s a question – and I suppose anyone can chime in on this one.
Is there such a thing as being “semi comfortable” with myself and being alone? Like, I’m working on being, as ktfran said “extremely comfortable” with it, but I’m just not quite there.
For example: I’ve lived alone for almost 10 years now whether in my apartment right after college or my homes. (do we count the dogs? I mean they’re cool but they don’t talk a lot.) And I’d say 5 out of 7 days I’m totally okay with coming home to an empty house. I really like it even: I can walk around in my underwear, leave dishes for days, watch trashy reality tv whenever the hell I want to, etc. But I will say on those other 2 days that come every once in a while – man it sure would be nice to come home to someone that I can sit on the couch with or get a hug from or make dinner with or just have conversation with. I crave physical affection and sometimes I just wanna come home to a hug. The dogs are pretty good at the affection, but again, not much for words. The cat is just an asshole but he does cuddle from time to time.
So yeah – I’m semi comfortable with being alone. I can handle it – I’ve bought and sold houses and pay all my bills and I’ve learned how to fix things around the house and maintain my yard – so I don’t “need” a man/husband. It would just be nice to share those things with someone or have someone to tell when I have a really awesome, stellar day.
And yeah, I’ve thought about roommates. Just never found one I could really see living with.
Just a general question throwing it out there to the universe (and this thread). Please be kind 🙂
Just an idea… Veritek, what if you said to yourself, you know, I just bought my dream house because it was a step on the way to living the kind of life I want to live. That house represents a certain lifestyle that I want. And then go ahead and figure out what the rest of that lifestyle looks like and start taking the rest of the steps to live it. Maybe it includes a strong and supportive partner. Ok, so start being that partner to yourself. What are the things that partner would do? Probably encourage you to exercise, eat healthfully, not beat up on yourself, set (and stick to) boundaries with your mom.
Take care of yourself the way that person would take care of you. Set up the inside of your house and keep it the way you’d have it in that lifestyle you want (if you wouldn’t leave dishes in the sink for days or watch really shitty TV with a partner, maybe don’t do those things. If you would, that’s ok too). If you’ve over-scheduled yourself and that’s not feeling good, don’t do it. If you really love doing all those things and they make you feel better, then do them. Either way, enjoy your own company.
As far as craving physical affection, yeah, that’s a tough one. But you know it’s not worth hanging on to a situation that’s not working or the guy wants something different than you want, just to have that physical affection. I’d say just have some meaningless hookups, but I don’t think that’s what you want. SO I guess, do things that feel good physically as well as emotionally.
Look, it’s not just being comfortable with the logistics of being alone, it’s being comfortable with your own company and feeling content with that.
That’s some good thoughts Kate. I can do better on the cleaning of the house – but I’d still probably watch shitty tv even when they aren’t around 😉
And I’m working on cutting out at least one of my jobs by the end of the year or at least scaling way back on the time invested in it. Paid of two credit cards and now I’m just down to two loans I need to pay off to be almost debt free (I don’t count the house or car.)
I do admit I’ve been a bit overscheduled and its’ my own fault. When I’m single I try to stay busy so that I don’t dwell on being alone. Perhaps that has been the wrong way to go about it.
I agree with Kate. Create the life you want NOW. Don’t wait for the partner. Admittedly, I haven’t read all of your posts, but the ones I have read circle around several themes:
– Issues with your mother’s mental and physical health and the toll those issues take on your and your relationship with her and your parents
– working a lot
– selling and buying your own homes
– adventures in dating
Maybe I’ve missed the posts that discuss the fun you’re having with friends and the hobbies you have and the stuff you like to do on your own (or, again, with friends) when you aren’t working, and the way you’re designing and decorating your home, and what your plans are for your yard, etc. And maybe you haven’t written about that stuff but it’s all a part of your life, which, great. But I bet there’s room in your life for more of all of this. And if there isn’t, you need to make room (even if making the room means cutting out the dating for a bit). I lived alone for years before I moved in with Drew and since we were long distance for a year and a half, that period was kind of an extension of my solo lifestyle (minus the dating around part), and I had such a full life — so full, in fact, that it was very hard to leave much of it behind to move to NYC to be with Drew.
That’s the place you want to be at — have a life that’s so well-rounded and rich in friendship and activity that a love interest will be a bonus not a crutch.
Basically what Kate said. For me, it wasn’t logistics of living alone. It was building a life I enjoyed and being generally happy with myself.
Of course, there were some weekend days when I’d enjoy a nice walk and pick up a coffee and wish there was someone with me doing that. But the happier I was, the more those thoughts were fleeting.
Finally, as far as craving physical affection… while I didn’t have a man to do that with, I had plenty of friends that I’d spend time with. That really helped me feel less lonely. Of course, I wasn’t kissing and having sex with my friends, but we did have a connection and it was important to me.
So ver, I would almost suggest cultivating some really strong friendships.
Kate really nailed it.
I would also mention that drinking is a depressant. I know you like your wine – I do too! But it might be good to cut down on it for a bit. Maybe only drink on the weekends and be super healthy during the week. Or only drink when you go out with friends. This tactic has worked for me in the past (i.e., when I was single), especially when I was trying to make a concerted effort to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I found that when I cut out the drinking during the week, I ate more healthfully and worked out more.
Oh I hope I didn’t give the impression that I don’t have fantastic friendships, I really do! I don’t write about them much and I should. I just notice the older we get the harder it is to find time to hang out. Most of mine are married and have kids or are starting families so it’s just harder to find quality time. It would help to have more single friends.
I did spend a wonderful Sunday with my bff two weekends ago road tripping to Ikea (the nearest one is 2.5 hours away) to get some awesome stuff to decorate for my house. She and I don’t get to do that very often because she has a 7 month old. (You’re right Wendy, I don’t write much about that stuff because I guess I figured no one wanted to read about that lol)
And yes Lianne, It wouldn’t hurt for me to cut back. I sorta started a rule about no wine unless it’s the weekend. So I allow myself some on Friday/Saturday and sometimes Sunday. But I did have an angry orchard last night because, well, I wanted to 🙂
I think we’re all designed to want some companionship. I think what you are saying is that you are fine living alone but sometimes you are lonely. Would spending more time with friends fill the gap? I know friends aren’t the same as cuddling on the couch but they can be fun and great to talk to and people to share your life with and that is a part of what a partner does.
It sounds like you have unmet emotional needs. If you could identify those needs maybe you could find ways outside a romantic relationship to meet most of them. This book could help you pinpoint your emotional needs even though it is geared towards men and women in a relationship.
Knowing your most important emotional needs could also help to weed out men that you can see won’t be able to meet those needs. I don’t think you need to be in a relationship to benefit from realizing what needs you have. If you have a need for recreational companionship you could find a group of friends to go and do things with. If you pinpointed conversation you could meet friends for lunch or dinner or coffee and sit and talk.
The book also covers love busters. If you realize the things that will never work in your personal relationship you can skip guys with those behaviors.
I think identifying your own personal emotional needs and your love busters is an empowering thing.
I am a huge proponent of the living alone thing, and the dating break (if you have stuff to work out, which most of us do/did) and I will be honest, it wasn’t all fun. I had many, many lonely days and nights. And I always, always post (wait…write?) about how good that time was for me and how I miss it. And those things are true, too. But it was very lonely. You can get so into yourself and your stuff and your depression and head that it isolates you. Don’t do that. Just as Kate and everyone has said, build the life you want, now, without a SO. Embrace your friends and your hobbies and rest your dating muscle for now. Do things that make you feel good.
And Jimmy, please would you just avoid this thread? You’ve made mainly negative comments, and obviously, that is not what this thread is about.
