DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Yeah, actually, I feel like I’m truly at the best place I’ve ever been in my life: I have a good job where I’m respected and paid well for my skills, I have deep relationships with friends and coworkers, I have a really sweet and healthy dog, and I’m also {almost} happy with how I look.
It didn’t used to be that way: I used to suffer from crippling insecurity and it cost me years of poor relationships and dating experiences. Since I turned 30, and to be honest largely because of how rewarding my job is and how fulfilled and encouraged I feel there & the friendships I’ve made, things have really turned around.
I got interested in Hippie Artist Guy knowing it will probably not lead to marriage, but he’s fun, he’s intriguing, he’s really cute, and hey, I thought, why not?
I do want to get married eventually, but I’m not sure I actually want kids – in fact, I’m leaning towards not wanting them for various reasons I won’t get into right now. Hippie Artist Guy doesn’t want kids either, he’s made that clear. Which is fine with me…even though obviously it doesn’t really matter.
All that said, hopefully it is just a matter of time at this point. I am so comfortable with being by myself – I have been for YEARS – that it will be strange when the time does come to accommodate another person’s schedule, needs, etc. I invest really deeply in my friendships and I know I’m ready, but I am honestly not lonely at all, which is a great feeling. 🙂
@TheLadyE, that sounds a lot like where I was right before I met my husband (but a few years older than you are!). I’ll speak for Lianne too since I know her IRL, and she made some significant shifts toward being in a good, stable place and ready to find a healthy relationship, right before she started dating her husband. She had worked on some anxiety issues, for example, in therapy.
I don’t want kids either, and that caused me to be slower to get out of a long toxic relationship than I should have been, but also more relaxed and at peace about finding love once I got out of that relationship well into my 30s.
I’ll echo and say that after a couple of bad relationships, not really bad, just not right, in my mid to late 20s. I’ve spent pretty much all of my 30s cultivating the life I wanted and being more relaxed in my own skin. I’ve been in a really good place for a few years now and I know I want to eventually be in a relationship… but I don’t really care if that’s now, when I’m 40 or when I’m 70.
With that being said, I have a 5th date tomorrow! That’s five in two weeks folks. And there has definitely been making out. Among other things. We’ll see. One date at a time.
Dating has been very hit or miss for me, as well as learning some harsh lessons. I met a guy beginning of spring that I mistakenly invested in too much emotionally, and definitely too soon. A month in he began showing his true colors, and it took another month to confirm my suspicions about said true colors, and he dumped me over the phone the day after my birthday. Classy guy.
It was only two months, so I wasted no time getting back out there. I met someone on OK Cupid, and we’ve gone out a bunch of times. It’d usually been pretty platonic, and wasn’t really sure if I was attracted to him. But in the last week or so, we finally spent time at each other’s apartments and things got a bit friendly/flirty. Had a super nice date at a drive in movie theater last weekend, so I’ve felt a little more attracted to him in the physical sense. But, I find myself laughing a lot when we’re hanging out, and unpleasant moments haven’t been that unpleasant. For instance, even though we went on a very difficult hike on probably the hottest day of the summer so far, I would’ve done it all over again. Good physical challenge and good company.
Still not 100% sure what I think of this guy or if he even likes me, but I jumped into things so quickly with the last one that I’m okay with the rate of speed this time around. What I DO know though is we have similar senses of humor and physical activity interest. So I’m fine with just letting this one play out however it’s meant to.
@theladye, if you are in that good place, don’t waste your time with this guy. Even if it’s just friends, he’s taking up precious time and energy that you could be using to date people that are into you. If he was, he would have made some sort of move by now. He hasn’t. He might like you, think you are funny, all those good things, but it’s almost like he’s stringing you along to have some semblance of intimacy in his life.
And I hate the dude and man, thing. I had my time of overusing those words, but it was years ago. And I’m 31. And you are a lady!
I still don’t feel ready to date, but I’m going to take a lot of this advice to heart. I think the “Law of Fuck Yes” applies to a lot of my dating misadventures. I also really want to find a guy I have more in common with. In the past I’ve dated guys because they were nice (at first anyways), and I did enjoy time with them. Overall though, there weren’t butterflies or they weren’t willing/interested in things very important to me.
Also, there is nothing more frustrating than the mixed signals from guys. I have a guy friend with benefits (sort of) that is notorious for this. Our friendship is mostly based on messing around when we’re in between relationships. He knows if we are hanging out, I’m down for whatever, but it takes him forever to make a move. I asked him about it once and apparently it’s a combination of a fear of rejection, low self-esteem, and he thinks it’s important that we actually have conversations or whatever. It’s fine when it’s been forever since I’ve even kissed someone, but not something I could tolerate with a guy I’m actually dating.
The Chicago lawyer from Tinder messaged me out of the blue today. A bit of a confidence boost, I have to admit, although it was a little benign. I think he comes to Toronto sometimes for business but I’m too nervous even casually to say we should meet up if he’s ever in town.
@bondgirl, this one sounds hopeful! It’s hard to not get too caught up in these things yet still feel excited. Good luck.
@kare, I think that’s the first I’ve heard of the “Law of Fuck Yes”. Interesting…
I think I saw someone post it somewhere on this site, but it really resonated with me. I tend to date people or invest too much time when I’m not really that excited to begin with. Obviously it doesn’t work out too well. Meh. I’m also trying to think “the universe will send me someone when the time is right”. I’m taking a very passive approach to dating at the moment, but it will probably change in a couple of months.
I don’t have the chance to write here consistently but just wanted to say: hope everyone here finds their “perfect” other half soon, as the shitty/disappointing/less than satisfying dates start coming to an end! You all deserve this!:)
I am sorry I can’t give that much advice here because, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never been on actual dates (not in this sense of the word) because both of my long-term relationships started off with quite solid friendships through mutual friends. I actually really liked it that way, it felt like a natural progression from friendship into an intimate relationship, none of the crazy mind reading stuff you seem to need to do while dating someone you don’t know at all. Why can’t relationships always start off like this ? Is it that the older we get the more people have settled into relationships already?
On a different note, a guy I’ve met up with a couple of times (on work-related matters, strictly professional) suggested we go out for lunch next week. Not entirely sure what this means but I said I’d be happy to do that. After complaining to my friends for months how all guys I meet just want to sleep around, without expressing any interest beforehand in getting to know me the slightest, this was quite refreshing to hear (and frankly, surprising).
