DW Community Catch-up Thread
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He sounds like my ex, although probably not as bad. He would be very critical of everything I did and run through a list of everything I did wrong at a social function or trip or gathering. He was also into the silent treatment. Once he gave me silent treatment because he thought my thighs looked fat in the outfit I wore. Unsurprisingly, I spent the last 6 months or so jealous of my single friends and wanting to be alone. He was my first serious relationship, so it was hard to walk away. In the end I told him he needed to treat me with respect, he told me I needed to lose weight and tan to prove I loved him, I said no (I was maybe a year into ED recovery at this point), then he ended things. I felt so free afterwards. I realized I had been so afraid to be alone that I was barely living. Sure being single has been a bumpy road, but at least I don’t live my life on eggshells or constantly wondering what if.
I think that communication skills are something that can be worked on in a relationship. But it sounds like his response is, I won’t do it again, rather than, let’s work on X together (or separately) and find a more constructive way of discussing things so that we can improve our communication in the future. I don’t know what the answer is, but don’t do the emotional work for him.
I also think communication skills can be worked on if both people are willing, but recently watching a friend go through a separation (one of their biggest issues is communication and divorce seems likely for them at this point) makes me think you can only work on it to a point. Like that eventually you reach a point where you each are who you are and even despite effort may never be able to communicate in a way where the relationship is workable. I feel exhausted just listening to what’s going on with them because they spend 80% of their relationship trying to fix something that just doesn’t seem to work between them. But maybe that’s not you guys, I can’t say. That said, it sounds like he’s just sweeping things under the rug with promises to do better next time (and likely not doing better next time), which isn’t great.
Oof, that sounds exhausting, Copa! Yeah, you probably shouldn’t marry someone if you can’t figure out by then how to communicate well, but you also shouldn’t marry someone if you’re inherently mismatched. I also know some people like that and it isn’t pretty… But they also seem to be people who claim to have good communication when it’s really that they aren’t bottling things up.
Oh, yeah. These two are a terrible couple. I knew pretty early on into their dating that they were going to wind up married. And miserable. Like it was so obvious to me 3 months in that they were a terrible match and I hadn’t even met him yet. I’ve known my friend since middle school and love her dearly, so it’s sad to watch even though I saw this coming 4+ years ago when they first started dating. It was/is her first serious relationship and she still clings to the “love is enough to get us through all the crap that makes us incompatible!” mentality. And now she’s learning the hard way that no, it’s really not enough. I think everyone learns that the hard way, really, but many aren’t married when they do.
Anyone have any happy dating updates? I feel like collectively we’ve gone through just a LOT OF BULLSHIT. Uplifting? Anyone?
Little nervous about dinner tonight, he called to confirm plans and offer to pick me up (it’s the city so most people just Uber/walk places). Forgot how nervous it makes me to talk on the phone with someone when the last several guys I dated were 99% text and 1% call in dire emergency. Was a little flirty so made me excited for later.
Aw, well that sounds exciting, Kmen! 🙂
I have a semi-happy dating update? I went on a first date last night with a guy from Bumble (my first date off that app) and it was actually pretty nice. I had actually had plans to meet this guy last week but he had to cancel due to a previous plan he’d forgotten about, and I’d written him off. But then he asked the next day to reschedule, so that was actually pretty nice. Anyway, we each had a drink and talked for a couple of hours, and it was just a nice time. No real chemistry or anything, but it was just a nice few hours getting to know someone. I don’t think I’ll see him again though. But that’s ok.That’s about it for me.
Well, this isn’t dating, but this weekend was our four year anniversary of our first real date…which was also when I laid down an ultimatum, “we are either dating seriously, or I’m out!” We’d probably been sleeping together and going on fun adventures and drinking a lot of beer for about a year before that. Well, he was in, and here we are four years later, happy as clams. So it can be easy and fun, gang! And Facebook reminded us…so it’s good for something. It’s nice to kind of have a date to remember the beginning.
Congrats, anonymousse! My four year anniversary of my first date with my husband is the 31st ☺️
