DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I think I might join a meetup or something, but I’m trying to decide what sort of meetup group to join. I’m not into hiking or stuff like that. I’m sure I’ll find something. I also want to get back to working out, and I found some dance classes I want to try. But since then work has gotten very busy, and I’ve started getting sore again so I’m waiting for my follow up with my surgeon to make sure everything is okay.
I’m not really looking to date, but I just want more stuff to get me out of the house. Since having surgery I’ve just felt kind of blah because I’ve mostly been stuck in my apartment or in the office. I have a week off this month, then I go to Iceland the following month. Yay!
I went on a couple dates with the Tinder guy I asked out — Friday and today, mainly because we’re each going away so I wanted to see him again earlier. (Strangely enough, I bumped into him on the train on Saturday and we ended up chatting for half an hour). I have mostly decided if he asks for a third date I will have to tell him I’m not interested. I don’t want to ghost him because he’s a good guy. I just don’t know what to say — something like “I didn’t feel a spark” sounds fantastical. And I feel weird because we made out and I was physically into it so I gave him no signs on our dates that I wasn’t interested. And I feel shitty because honestly, our conversation was really good, but the making out wasn’t so it’s kind of a shallow reason.
@hfantods That is the really sucky part about dating, but I’ve been there, and so has everyone else here, and so has that guy (I’m willing to bet). You can just let him know that you had fun hanging out, but you’re just not feeling it, and best of luck. Not feeling a spark isn’t shallow or fantastical.
For the no spark text, I usually wait to see if they invite me out again and send some version of this: “Hey, it was great to meet you. I didn’t feel like we had the right romantic chemistry, but I wish you the best of luck!” I’ve never had anyone be rude or snippy after that. And it’s infinitely better than ghosting!
“I think we’d be better off as friends” has always worked for me. Most of the time, though, we just end up slowly fading out. I find that, if I’m not feeling it, he usually isn’t either.
I have been dating two guys, but it didn’t take long before I started to really like one more than the other, so I guess I’ll be having my own let’s-be-friends conversation soon. I’m traveling this weekend, so I’m seeing the one I really like tonight before I leave. I’m so excited to see his little face! Gross.
I’m not sure if it counts as a date, but my college ex-boyfriend just came and spent a week with me in Europe. We broke up over 4 years ago, around graduation, because he wanted to be single and move to Australia. He spent 7ish months there and I moved to Europe, where I’ve now been for almost 4 years. We had minimal contact for about a year after breaking up and then saw each other again, and now every time we’re in the same place (not very often, once or twice per year) we meet up and spend a few days together. He had been saying for years he wanted to visit me and check out my city. He finally came and we had a great week together. It felt so good being together and showing him my life here. I took him around to all my favorite places and introduced him to all my friends, and he came to a monthly party I organize and my comedy group’s improv show. It was hard saying goodbye, though, and now we’re missing each other. But he lives in Texas and I live in Central Europe, so what’s the point?
I have a size-able chunk of time off around the holidays, so first I was thinking I’d try to see him on the East coast when we’re both visiting family. Then I was thinking I’d go see him in Texas, maybe, cause I have more time off than just Christmas week. And then I was thinking maybe we could go on an adventure together and like, go to Mexico or something. And THEN I was thinking, what’s the point – every time we meet up it’s hard to say goodbye. Is there really a point in planning more adventures together? I want to, but not sure if it’s the best idea long term.
That sounds like a really nice time together, @lucia. I feel like you already know the answer. It depends on what you are looking for but it doesn’t seem too realistic for a relationship (again).
Thank you all so much for the sample script. I thought about it more and I did want to see him again. I have to admit it was partly because he didn’t text me for a day so I just texted him something related to our date (yeah, I guess there was pride involved, not too awesome to admit that), and we picked it up from there. We met up for a third date yesterday. I thought one more date wouldn’t waste anybody’s time.
We went to a street festival/music festival. For the first few minutes I was really regretting my choice, but after it just felt nice; really good conversation. I think I am starting to like him as a person, not just him on paper. He’s extremely nerdy, smart, driven, and kind. And not afraid to show affection? Also one of the bands played The Smiths’ “There is a Light that Never Goes Out” and while that is a morbid/depressing song and we’re both pretty happy people, I think we had a ~moment~.
Anyway, if he’s interested, I’d like to continue to date him and as long as we are on the same page on not committing early then it’s ok. That does sound a bit egotistical, I just mean the last guy I went out with brought up deleting online dating accounts on date 4 and it freaked me out. But I like spending time with him.
That’s my update 😉 And I am still going through the various sites/apps.
Does anyone remember the firefighter I talked about on here a few months back? We had a romantic, whirlwind month together and then things kinda got weird and he gave me a litany of excuses (not ready to commit, always feels trapped in relationships, not enough time since the ex, hasn’t dealt with lingering family issues, can’t promise that a binge drinking incident where he got blackout drunk wouldn’t happen again, etc. etc. etc.) so we stopped seeing each other. At that time he wanted to figure out “a better relationship with himself” and start going to the gym and stop drinking and smoking so much.
The only interaction I’ve had with him since them had been due to his roommates and him still sort of being clients of my company. We offered to help them with some paperwork (essentially as a favor), they missed the deadline, I got them an extension. (Which was already above and beyond my job description). The roommates were out of town for a while and he was supposed to get care of getting something signed, I got him two extra weeks (!) to do it, and he missed the deadline again, for no reason (laziness/procrastination). This was all over email, but I was not subtle about how annoyed I was.
Last night was the first time I’ve seen him in person. We were at an event with mutual friends. He never approached me, so I didn’t approach him. So we were in the same space for hours and never exchanged any words. As for his previously mentioned goals – he did seem slimmer so I guess he has followed through on the gym. But the drinking and smoking? Well, his face was all covered in scratches because he had gotten blackout drunk the night before and fell down. (This man is almost 30 years old.) And he was basically chain-smoking all night.
Bullet? Dodged!
I just decided to randomly chime in here after many months of absence (and sporadic period of spying on the thread) mainly to vent a bit about my pathetic dating life :/
I don’t use online dating because I don’t feel comfortable with it and because of the job I do, I don’t want people seeing me there. I am quite active, go out all the time so meet new people regularly anyway, I much prefer meeting people in person – I can see who the creeps are immediately! 😀
Recently I joined a meetup group in my city with the idea to make some new interesting friends outside work. They are all *such* lovely people, I can’t wait to go to more meetups! 🙂
Back to the dating topic.. the men who tend to be in these meetups (as well as at dance classes and most places I go to) give the impression they are there for the sole purpose of getting a girlfriend or sleeping around (not to actually have a good time with everyone) and they come across as incredibly pushy and desperate. I mean, the ones who message you 5 times a day to see what you’re doing tonight, start getting pissy if you don’t reply within the next hour, make *very* low quality flirting attempts, etc.. Which is a bit annoying because, like most of the people there, I joined these meetups to make new friends.
Quite often I do meet kind, normal, level headed, relationship-focused non- creepy guys, but they have this annoying habit of always being in seriously long-term relationships (like 5-6 years..) 😀 Or if they actually are single, sometimes I’ll meet them days before they are moving out of the country to live at the other end of the World – which has been good for having a short fling, but that’s where it would end of course.
I’ve been on some dates but I sometimes don’t feel a real connection or the guy acts way too clingy and this stresses me out. I’ve been single for more than a year and a half and it makes me think whether I am expecting too much from a man or if there’s something wrong with me. People have told me it’s a numbers game, but then you have people who have met the love of their life at 18 with whom they’re still together 5 years later and it makes you think..Anyway thanks for listening to (reading) my rant, I’ll try to keep up to date with this thread and respond, because it’s an amazing thread 🙂
So I just spent some time catching up on the last few pages and it’s amazing how similar my experiences are with others, yet how totally different my dating approach to everyone here is.. As I said, I don’t do online dating, .. I just keep myself busy with events/hobbies, my primary aim being meeting new people (friends), having a good time, gaining new experiences and skills, and in the mean time hoping to meet the right person to date along the way – it worked for me in the past! And I DO have a great time, I DO meet lovely people, I AM happy with the way my life is right now (job, friends, etc), but I seem to be hitting a rock when it comes to the actual “meeting the right person” aspect..
Reading through the last few pages makes me think maybe I should stop being stubborn and update my approach? It seems so strange that it appears I’m the only person who has taken this “organic” approach to dating.. and obviously it’s not working for me. :/ I have gone out on dates but obviously not as many as I would if I was using dating apps.. but online dating is just something I have zero attraction to at the moment..
@kmtthat You seem to be my DearWendy soulmate! I feel the same way as you regaring about 95% of what you say. I too have my sh*t together and focus on having a full life, and I don’t really do one-night-stands or casual dating, it’s just not for me. If I am not into someone, I can’t force myself to go out with him because I feel guilty as if I am leading him on (even if he is on the same page as well).. I’m either in something or I’m not.
And I totally support everyone’s advice to try to meet people naturally (because unlike me you have given online dating a shot.. a lot of shots).. I think meeting people naturally puts less pressure on people to be “approved” by someone else and getting “rejected” doesn’t take such a toll on you, because you never meet the people with the sole intention of dating them. And this way there is less pressure on people to make a quick decision whether they want to see more of each other or not, you have more time to get to know each other in a more natural, low-key setting and see how it goes from there.
