DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Hmm, I haven’t used Tinder or Bumble, but a couple people now have mentioned being asked for or wanting more pics to see what someone really looks like.
That used to mean, “I’m not sure you’re cute,” or “I think you’re overweight” or “your pics look out of date.” The request for more pics was a bad sign, and ATWYS used to say, “don’t comply.” Her reasoning was, if you had a clear headshot and a full body shot and a couple other pics, and these pics are up to date, there’s no reason for anyone to need more, and if they’re asking, it’s not good. The outcome will not be good, so just drop them.
With the apps, are people kind of trying to be demure and not show what they really look like for privacy reasons? Or to get people to look closer before swiping?
I remember sitting next to a 20-something woman from work as she signed up for Tinder and scrolled through it, and a lot of the guys had weird profile pics where you really couldn’t tell what they looked like. Which, wtf.
I still think it’s true that, if you have a clear headshot and a clear body shot, and maybe an action/hobby pic and/or a travel pic or something, and someone is asking for more pics, you should just move on and not indulge them by giving them access to all your photos or sending them a selfie. They’re insulting you just by asking.
@Hfantods, with the cute vs. sexy thing… unless things have changed a lot and you now MUST have a sexy pic in order to compete, I’d say don’t worry about trying to look sexy if that’s not you. Have a clear headshot that looks like the best version of you, not like you just rolled out of bed, and a full body shot that shows your shape, but not necessarily in a bikini or minidress, just a cute outfit that you like.I had one close-up of me with my hair done and usual amount of makeup on, where I was smiling, with a fun prop in it that guys could ask me about. My top didn’t show cleavage but I think it was a halter that showed some skin. I also had a pic of me with my dog, where I looked more casual with hair pulled back. Also smiling. With both smiles, my teeth were showing. And one where I was in a dress that I liked and wore a lot and you could see my whole body including legs. And maybe one or two others.
Nothing overtly sexy, and no touch-ups or filters because I didn’t use those in 2012. Now I would use an app to make some small touch-ups, but not too many because I wouldn’t want a guy to think I looked older in person.
I met my husband on Match. Was it great? No, it had a lot of sad sacks on it, and a lot of junk messages. But I had been using OKC and meeting too many hipsters and musicians, and Match turned out to have that one great guy on it. I also weirdly had luck with Match’s chemistry.com site, where you couldn’t search, only look at the matches it gave you. I met some quality guys on there.
ETA – no sunglasses pics. I know a lot of the cute pics I have in my phone I’m wearing sunglasses, but you really can’t use those on dating sites, unless maybe it’s your full-body one and you have a few others where you can really see your face.
One more thought… I think it’s a lot more important to look *fun* than sexy in your profile. You want to be smiling with teeth, and maybe show yourself doing some activity that’s a little different and fun. I don’t think guys necessarily want or need to see you in full club attire or swimsuits or lingerie in your profile. They just want to see a pretty girl they could have a good time with.
My husband’s friend is marrying this girl he met online, and he was talking her up to us like how hot she is and how she has these huge boobs. We met her and we love her, but to HIM she’s hot, not objectively. She never ever wears makeup, her hair is just straight and never “done,” and she doesn’t dress to show skin at all. She’s self-conscious of her boobs and keeps them covered up, and if she wears shorts they’re like bermudas. She’s athletic and outdoorsy and likes to do the things he likes. I’m sure her pictures gave that impression, not some sexed up version of her.
Yeah, when I was dating, I would ALWAYS creep guys on social media before agreeing to meet. Partially because of the picture thing… men are HORRIBLE at choosing photos, so they could have 5 pics up and you still wouldn’t be able to tell what they look like.
But also, I am absolutely not one of those people who’s ok meeting up after exchanging only one or two messages. Sorry, I need at least a week of conversation and internet stalking before I agree to meet in person. Lot’s of people don’t think that’s effective, but it’s what works for me.
I hear you, MissDre, and if that’s what works for you, keep doing it.
I’m thinking of this other friend of my husband. Good-looking guy, has an impressive job in medical robotic simulation or something, I’ve never googled him but I’m sure he has no online presence, doesn’t use social media, and if you saw him online (not you, personally, because he’s Irish, but a lot of women), you’d be like, wow! Exciting! Can’t wait for this one! He’s funny and his messages would sound good. I chose his profile pictures and he looks very nice. You’d not likely find any other pictures of him except like a LinkedIn headshot.
Except… his thing is, he gets blackout drunk on first dates. He does drugs. He has a shady background. He’s definitely been arrested more than once but I doubt anything is on his record. Boston cops “know his dad.” So my point is, online he’s gonna come across real appealing and respectable. But guess what, on date 1 or 2 you’re going to be like what.the.fuck. Unless you’re just like him and like to get blackout and do cocaine and make horrible decisions. He also cheated on his longtime girlfriend with a few different women, and strung her along for years with no intention of marrying her. None of that is going to come out in a google search or by emailing him or talking on the phone, but you’ll probably hear alarm bells after you spend a little time with him.
There might be other guys out there who have some bad pics online, said some dorky things on FB, maybe have pics up with their exes, maybe you’d be like, eh, but then they could seriously be a really good guy.
Yeah, that’s the thing…. you just can’t know until you get to know a person. Thankfully, stalking guys on FB has weeded out some duds pretty quick.
Like, the guy who seemed nice but his entire FB feed was full of nasty misogynistic rants. Or the guy who’s FB was full of photos of him and his girlfriend, and when I asked him about it he admitted they’d only broken up like a week ago or something.
Then there’s the guy I couldn’t find on Facebook, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go out on a date with him anyway. He told me all about his master’s thesis that he just completed, which sounded interesting. So I went home and googled it… it was dedicated to his wonderful wife.
Haha oh my gosh MissDre, now that is a story. How are things with your man?
I don’t think guys are trying to be demure putting up fuzzy selfies at awful angles!
Yeah, I wasn’t thinking about putting pictures of myself in lingerie or swimsuits (I think you were just making a point). But I know I come across very “cute” and maybe it’s also a matter of being comfortable with my body. All my photos are me smiling and I think I need a bit more diversity.
Ultimately you only “need” to meet one guy. It might be worth trying Match despite the awful layout and see if the pay barrier does change things.
@hfantods Things are good, thanks! Long distance sucks of course but so far we seem to be handling things really well! I’m going back to the UK again in September for 9 days, and he’s most likely coming here in December for 2 weeks. I’m really curious/excited to see where we’re at in another 6 months.
I’m with MissDre. I need to talk to someone for a while before I agree to go out. I need to know what I’m dealing with.
This was my first Tinder date and I made mistakes but I won’t add someone to Facebook before meeting them again. Stalking, yes, adding them no.
With this guy, I couldn’t really tell what he was like because his pictures were really far apart. Like on one pic he had a full grown beard and the next one he didn’t have one hair in his face. Others were from a distance. So I didn’t match with him because of his looks, I liked what his profile said.
Some of the red flags I use when talking with guys online and then via text are, how quickly they get into the conversation of sex, whether the conversations are of actual substance or just mindless banter/topics, and if they start adding you on social media platforms. To me that is rushing things and not really getting a sense for one another. It seems to be the same pattern when I have dated. I look back after the first or second date and realize why it didn’t work, cause those ‘red flags’ for me occurred.
I went on a first date this Thursday for a hike. I drove to the city and we carpooled to the trail. It was a quick 2 hour hike round trip, we spent some time at the top talking, taking pictures and eating. He brought homemade black bean brownies and this Norwegian blueberry juice. So delicious! I enjoyed the hike as much as I enjoyed the conversation/date. I have a week long trip planned for July 1st, so he told me to let him know when I had time beforehand to get together. So we are doing a BBQ at his place tomorrow night 🙂 I am bringing some beer and a dessert as my contribution. I ended up finding a really cute summer dress at Winners today. Gonna wear it and knock his socks off 😛 We had some fun flirting with one another yesterday, so definitely gonna be a fun evening 🙂
“There might be other guys out there who have some bad pics online, said some dorky things on FB, maybe have pics up with their exes, maybe you’d be like, eh, but then they could seriously be a really good guy.”
I think that people hugely overestimate what they can infer from social media, both positive and negative. Some people use it as an outlet where they don’t have to put their best foot forward all the time while others intentionally use it to fashion a fake version of themselves. I also don’t think that people necessarily think that after a breakup they need to go back and delete all of their pictures with their exes.
