DW Community Catch-up Thread
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WEES. You NEED more time to get over the ex @ale. It is difficult to accept this, but he was a douchcanoe.
I got back with my ex a couple years ago after maybe 2 or 3 months. Nothing changed. I initiated it cause I thought I knew better, but I still loved him, missed him and we had regular contact. Huge mistake, learned from it and now understand why you need the mandatory time away, so that they can’t influence your decision. Cause it will happen. Also realized, NOTHING CHANGED. Still the same person, same issues etc. So this will be the case with your ex, despite the recent therapy. He still has a lot to work through, as do you.
My other friend is going through this at the moment. Her ex of 5 years left her for our good friend, they moved to Ireland. Then this summer he moved back to Ontario when they broke up after a 2 year relationship. So now she has to manage seeing him around her cottage as his is just next door. She was hypothetically thinking about meeting with him to avoid the awkwardness and trying to smooth things over. I advised no, why bother. After some push back, her therapist asked her to not contact him, and to learn to manage the anxiety of seeing him. She seemed to have it in her head that it would be good, and maybe they would try again. Of course it made no sense, but even after 3 years the burn is still there and hard for her to deal with it.
It takes time to heal. Do not see your ex again, fully block him. You made a lot of great first steps earlier, and it is best to continue walking away from him and moving on with your life.
Ditto to what everyone else said. No good will come of getting back together. You’ll still have the same issues. An ex of mine once convinced me to get back together. I agreed, but we broke up again a couple of months later. Nothing had changed, and it only delayed the inevitable. It delayed me from moving on with my life and growing as a person.
A break is probably a good idea. It’s only been a few months. I know that can feel like a long time and like all this time has passed and things could now be different, but that’s not accurate.
On the one hand, doing some online dating is a distraction, which can be good, but on the other hand, you’re clearly not emotionally ready to date someone, and worse, the typically crappy experiences you’re having (which everyone has) put you in danger of boomeranging back into what feels like comfort and safety, but is really the short, straight road back to catastrophic breakup #2.
Healing from catastrophic breakup #1 = at least a year of being free from your ex (including blocking from all social media so you don’t have to see the pics of his new girlfriend and yes, that will happen eventually) + having tons of fun with friends + probably some on and off dipping toes back into the dating pool + treating yourself really well and getting comfortable with plenty of alone time.
Really good point about shitty online dating experiences resulting in the boomerang, Kate. So spot on. I’d add ANY shitty or underwhelming dating experiences will do that. You want a quick fix to your pain. Let us all tell you: there isn’t one. You need to go through this process, as hard as it is.
Here’s something I’ve learned lately: you come to identify/define yourself according to your most recent experience. For you, that was being the girlfriend in this inharmonious relationship. That’s a big part of who you were for years, and then it was taken away from you with no choice. That’s very, VERY difficult and hurts so much. All you want is to get it back, because you’re so used to it, it feels like you need it. And he makes it way harder by not just getting the fuck out of your way. You feel like there’s hope, but there’s really not. You need to just move through this, like you’re supposed to, and soon enough you’ll identify as a strong single woman who’s doing well, having a good time, and is well rid of that tool of an ex-boyfriend. Don’t let yourself get stuck in this shitty limbo.
And if I’m remembering, there were issues long before this breakup, right? It wasn’t a good fit. Take a break.
We are not back together or dating. We went for coffee once, a week ago and we have continued texting since he told me about his dog, scarcely though. Before that we had no contact, only the ocassional hello at work.
It’s going to be three months since we broke up, and I’m fully aware that this wouldn’t work out right now. We would both need more time if we were ever to think about getting back together again and we both need to think and deal with our issues on our own.
I’m taking a break anyways, I decided that when I started talking to the german dude. If it didn’t work out, I wasn’t going to pursue online dating or any other type of dating for the rest of 2017.
I think the “we’re not a good fit *right now*” mindset can be damaging, or at least it has been for me in the past, and really do think the only way to truly move on is with the mindset that you’re not a good fit, not now, not ever. A dating break sounds like a good idea. Three months out from a serious relationship with someone you thought you’d share the rest of your life with isn’t a lot of time to process, let alone jump back into the dating pool. I hope you enjoy your trip with your friends and spend it having fun and not giving your ex a second thought.
That’s good. I read it as you’d been in regular contact lately and were thinking over potentially getting back together.
I remember when my dog died in 2006 and someone mentioned it to my ex and he wrote me a heartfelt email, and a few months later we were back together for what ended up being an absolutely miserable 4-year stretch before it was finally over. I had convinced myself I couldn’t break up with him again and was determined to “make it work.” It. Was. So. Bad.
I can vouch for Kate’s experience. I am actually glad they got back together that time, because she and I wouldn’t be friends otherwise, but man. It got B-A-D.
