DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@veritek congrats on the new dude and @copa congrats on the new pup!
How was everyone’s weekend?
My aunt and uncle have been in town, and they rented a car and we all went hiking in a national park, so that was lovely. Banjo meeting them and us all spending time together went great! And I talked to Banjo about Christmas plans and we’re planning to visit both our families (east & west coast of the US) for Christmas so I’m very excited about that. We have about 19 days off around the holidays so should be do-able even though it’ll be a lot of travel time.
@Ale – the games were so much fun, but SO expensive and such a money grab. We had festival tickets which meant we didn’t get to see much of the individuals, which was fine since we came to see our gym owners’ son compete in the teen division, but while he wasn’t competing it would have been cool to be able to see the individuals and teams competing. So if you go, splurge for the good tickets!
@copa yay for the dog! And I hope awkward texter keeps the awkward texter name forever. I have no name for the guy i’m going on dates with right now. I’ll have to think of something!
@hfantods thank you! Thinking of a brewery tour for date #3
Awkward Texter will keep that name forever. I’ve really enjoyed his company in person so far, but I find his text style so odd. By now it’s a little endearing. I’m just glad he spells properly and doesn’t text with shorthand like “u” and “ur.” I know a lot of people do, but it drives me nuts. It’s silly, but I DO judge potential dates who can’t be bothered to spell out “you.” (Just another reason NOT to text my dates too much!)
So, because I’m heading out of town for a couple days and can’t take in my new foster immediately, another family got first pick of the two dogs (siblings) my rescue has available for me. They chose the one I wanted, knowing I wanted her. I’m a little annoyed because I know I contacted the rescue about it first, but I get it — they’re available NOW, and I’m not. So I’ll be taking in her brother, who I don’t think is as cute. They said he’s less timid, so even though I’m a little disappointed, I hope it means I get a friendly little guy. Luckily it’s super easy to fall in love with dogs. (My current foster has two apps in for her and they told me everything should start moving quickly from here on out. They also offered to temporarily re-home her if I’m taking in the puppy. But I’ve had her for, I dunno, maybe a month now? And she’s frustrating but I LOVE HER and I told them I’ll only let them re-home her before adoption if having two fosters is a total nightmare. And even then, she’s my buddy, you know? I want to love everyone as much as I love dogs.)
So I have a weird thing happening right now.
After my ex broke up with me, I got all EYE OF THE TIGER and got back on OKCupid for a hot minute. That night, a really high quality guy messaged me and we started talking. In my ignorance I thought I could be ready to date again, so I met him a few days later for a quick drink. (I since disabled OKCupid and am not on any other sites either.)
I did tell him upfront that I was just getting out of a relationship and that I would need to take things slowly, so he knows. I’ve been very, very upfront about that.
The thing is, when I met him, I realized I am soooooooo not ready to date again. I am still processing the sudden breakup from my ex and will be for a long time. I have the inclination to double down on keeping myself busy/getting myself healthy: workouts, improving my job skills, writing in my blog, trying standup comedy for real for the first time ever. I have nothing to give to a new man right now, and the emotional labor of getting to know someone new feels overwhelming and, to be honest, slightly nauseating. Also, the idea of someone else being physical with me? NO WAY. I’m not ready.
That said, this guy is a little older (42) and he really, really sees my worth. He really seems to like me, even though I’m going through this breakup. I continue to tell him I’m not ready, I need time, etc., but he says he wants to get to know me and we’ve seen each other a couple times “as friends” already…but I know he likes me and he wants it to be more than friends.
It’s hovering between being really endearing that he sees my value so much when my ex was so quick to bail, and being suffocating because I feel like he’s not getting that I can’t be with him right now.
He does seem like a really, really high quality guy who has his life together and knows what he wants. That’s attractive. But honestly, I am not ready and will not be for awhile – possibly months. I DON’T want him to be a rebound from my ex because he really is a high quality guy, but if I don’t get some breathing room I fear that’s what will happen.
He’s asked me to come see his band play on Friday night and now I’m sitting here trying to figure out a way to tell him I can’t do that…yet. The thing is, in a few months it may be entirely possible that I could like him, but now is just not the time.
Thoughts?
Girl. Breathe.
First, like Wendy said, this was a 6-week relationship. I get how bad it hurts when something ends so abruptly and soon, I really do, and if it’s going to take some time to process, so be it, but it shouldn’t take *a long time.*
Now this new guy. You’ve been on one date. Forget this “seeing your worth” idea, both regarding your ex and this new guy. Neither of them know you well enough to see your worth, and that’s not at all what either situation is about. Please, trust me. It is not about your worth. That’s a dangerous AF line of thinking.
Just tell the new guy you’d like to get to know him once you’re feeling more like yourself. Politely decline the invitation. Text him when you feel better. You’re way too vulnerable and worked up right now.
@Kate – I hear what you’re saying. I’ve seen the new guy 3 times actually, and he keeps saying things like “what do you think about US?” and “You’re so busy, how do you make time for me?” etc. So that’s why I’m freaking a little. I continue to say I’m not ready, I need time, so I guess I just need to double down on that and not see him when he asks until I feel more like myself.
Well if you seriously, absolutely can’t, then don’t engage with him. Just tell him that you are not ok to pursue something right now, and stop talking to him. He might be ok with being friends and if you’re cool with that, then there is no harm in getting to know him. However that almost always backfires.
If you feel like you’re not ready to be dating again, then don’t, and you don’t sound ready because you compare new people with your ex. And also, take things slow. Taking things slow also means not having expectations about other people. How do you know that this guy sees your worth? That sounds like really high expectations to have from someone you met once.
Seriously, E, lose his number if he’s saying things like that after 3 meetups that he pressured you into. Red flag.
How many times have you seen this guy in how short of a time? To be honest, he seems kind of clingy and pushy. You seem really really focused on the fact that he is “high quality” – maybe on paper though? If he keeps refusing to listen to you, how high quality is he really?
