No, I definitely, 100% know I’m not ready. I realized it almost immediately when we first met.

I’ll just keep putting those boundaries up. To be fair, he didn’t pressure me into seeing him again twice last week – I said I was available and could meet, because admittedly I liked the attention. I’m realizing though that I’m not ready and it’s not fair to him, which I’ve said REPEATEDLY. Like, a lot. If he were honestly being a friend and not saying things like “what do you think about us?” I would be ok to keep getting to know him, but right now it makes me feel like a jerk because I know I can’t give him what he wants and he seems to like me so much.

To be fair, we were a 99% match on OKCupid and have really good conversations, but…then again I’m a pretty good conversationalist. Heh.

Please take a step back. You are seeing these situations too personally. A guy doesn’t “like you so much” or “see your worth” after 3 meetings. He’s not your friend. There is no “us.” He just finds you attractive/good company and/or wants to hook up.

With the other guy, it wasn’t about your worth, it was about his ability to commit to a relationship and maybe feeling the fit wasn’t 100% there.

Yes, Fyodor, I do remember everything my ex did. Vividly. There is no need to remind me. I am still really sad about all of it and I miss him keenly.

I guess I am confused then. If a guy doesn’t show early interest, he’s not interested enough so forget him. If a guy does show early interest, he can’t possibly know what he’s interested in, so he’s obviously needy. So is it just impossible either way?

With this guy, he’s 42, it seems like he is settled in his life, knows what he is looking for, and sees *the potential* of that in me. He’s also made time in his life for a relationship, which is where my ex did not and that was the reason we broke up (his lack of availability – physical, time, emotional, etc).

I’ve also asked the new guy what he sees in me when he knows I’m going through a breakup and am not ready, and why he wants to get to know me right now, and we’ve talked about things like shared values, life goals, etc. I tend to get very deep very fast, it’s just my personality. The issue I’m having is that I’ve said I’m not ready and I don’t think he can be just friends with me because he sees so much potential.

I guess I already knew what I needed to do – back off and enforce boundaries until if/when I feel ready to see him again – so that’s what I’ll do.

Also I think when everyone warns you to make sure your date is showing interest in you early on, it’s more, like, interest in proportion to how long you’ve been dating. So the level of interest/investment you’d expect from someone after a couple dates is different from what you’d expect after a couple months. A couple dates in I think “showing interest” amounts to pretty basic stuff, like is he present and thoughtful and interested in getting to know you when you’re out, and is he asking you out or actively planning the next time he sees you within a reasonable amount of time (vs. treating you like a fall-back option or letting weeks go by without contact)? (These are things I look for, anyway.)

LadyE, this guy has continued to push even though you have told him that you are not ready. Yes, one has to show interest. But not in spite of what the other person says. So you go and tell him that you are not ready and he pushes the question about US, and about how you will make the time for him? That is not interest, that is plain possessiveness since the beginning.
You have to learn the difference between someone who is bullshitting you and someone who isn’t. Whoever guy that tells you that he knows your worth is bullshitthing you, because he doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know your worth and you most definitely don’t know his. He could say he sees a potential but not push it.

Woah, yeah, this guy doesn’t sound high quality; he sounds nuts! Talking about “us” after hanging out platonically three times, telling you he sees “your worth” (I would have bolted after that alone!). These are not signs that a guy is into you — these are red flags that something is wrong with him. A guy who is interested in you will do the following within the first three dates:

Ask you out again;
Ask and remember some of your interests, some details about your life, what your schedule and availability is;
Compliment you a few times in a non creepy way (“You have a nice smile” “I like your laugh” “You have a great sense of humor” “You’re fun to hang out with”);
*Maybe* ask what you’re looking for, relationship-wise.