DW Community Catch-up Thread
- This topic has 11,820 replies, 97 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by
.
-
Posts
-
No, I definitely, 100% know I’m not ready. I realized it almost immediately when we first met.
I’ll just keep putting those boundaries up. To be fair, he didn’t pressure me into seeing him again twice last week – I said I was available and could meet, because admittedly I liked the attention. I’m realizing though that I’m not ready and it’s not fair to him, which I’ve said REPEATEDLY. Like, a lot. If he were honestly being a friend and not saying things like “what do you think about us?” I would be ok to keep getting to know him, but right now it makes me feel like a jerk because I know I can’t give him what he wants and he seems to like me so much.
To be fair, we were a 99% match on OKCupid and have really good conversations, but…then again I’m a pretty good conversationalist. Heh.
@LadyE you really need to see the red flags and be a little more skeptical when you meet someone. A guy who is 42, and keeps asking about “US” eventhough you’ve repeatedly told him that you’re not ready for that kind of conversation, is clearly not a guy who has his life together.
Please take a step back. You are seeing these situations too personally. A guy doesn’t “like you so much” or “see your worth” after 3 meetings. He’s not your friend. There is no “us.” He just finds you attractive/good company and/or wants to hook up.
With the other guy, it wasn’t about your worth, it was about his ability to commit to a relationship and maybe feeling the fit wasn’t 100% there.
“That said, this guy is a little older (42) and he really, really sees my worth.”
He can’t possibly know your “worth” in any meaningful way because he just met you! And you don’t know what he sees because you just met him.
“It’s hovering between being really endearing that he sees my value so much when my ex was so quick to bail, and being suffocating because I feel like he’s not getting that I can’t be with him right now.”
Remember how your ex saw “your value” and then bailed?
I understand that it’s really validating to have someone show a lot of early interest, especially when you’ve had some rough experiences, but it’s not a good basis for starting a relationship.
Yes, Fyodor, I do remember everything my ex did. Vividly. There is no need to remind me. I am still really sad about all of it and I miss him keenly.
I guess I am confused then. If a guy doesn’t show early interest, he’s not interested enough so forget him. If a guy does show early interest, he can’t possibly know what he’s interested in, so he’s obviously needy. So is it just impossible either way?
With this guy, he’s 42, it seems like he is settled in his life, knows what he is looking for, and sees *the potential* of that in me. He’s also made time in his life for a relationship, which is where my ex did not and that was the reason we broke up (his lack of availability – physical, time, emotional, etc).
I’ve also asked the new guy what he sees in me when he knows I’m going through a breakup and am not ready, and why he wants to get to know me right now, and we’ve talked about things like shared values, life goals, etc. I tend to get very deep very fast, it’s just my personality. The issue I’m having is that I’ve said I’m not ready and I don’t think he can be just friends with me because he sees so much potential.
I guess I already knew what I needed to do – back off and enforce boundaries until if/when I feel ready to see him again – so that’s what I’ll do.
@TheLadyE Yes to what everyone is saying! A guy who keeps asking about “us” when you’ve been out three times isn’t “showing interest.” He’s being creepy and/or pushy and/or needy. A guy can show interest early on without crossing the line into creeper territory. Even if you weren’t hung up on your ex, I’d still caution you to see this guy for the walking red flag he seems to be and run like hell! Usually after a few dates, I think it’s okay to ask someone what they’re looking for in general — like, not with me specifically, but are we even looking for the same thing? If someone asked me about “us” I’d bolt. (And have bolted when asked about “us” on date six.)
Also I think when everyone warns you to make sure your date is showing interest in you early on, it’s more, like, interest in proportion to how long you’ve been dating. So the level of interest/investment you’d expect from someone after a couple dates is different from what you’d expect after a couple months. A couple dates in I think “showing interest” amounts to pretty basic stuff, like is he present and thoughtful and interested in getting to know you when you’re out, and is he asking you out or actively planning the next time he sees you within a reasonable amount of time (vs. treating you like a fall-back option or letting weeks go by without contact)? (These are things I look for, anyway.)
@theladye, you’re right that someone needs to show early interest in you for it to go forward at all. But then, he DID that — where it goes off-kilter is that he didn’t leave it there, and let things develop organically. He sounds like he isn’t managing his own feelings, but rather is putting it on you to deliver the “us” after an astonishingly short period of time. That’s sounding like “future-faking”, or else a high-pressure sales tactic: limited time offer at this low, low price! Going fast…
A man who really has it together does his own emotional labor, doesn’t try to line up a relationship commitment (“us”) after just a handful of dates. You’re right that you need to enforce boundaries. In my opinion, though, a “quality” man wouldn’t be putting you in that position so very quickly.
LadyE, this guy has continued to push even though you have told him that you are not ready. Yes, one has to show interest. But not in spite of what the other person says. So you go and tell him that you are not ready and he pushes the question about US, and about how you will make the time for him? That is not interest, that is plain possessiveness since the beginning.
You have to learn the difference between someone who is bullshitting you and someone who isn’t. Whoever guy that tells you that he knows your worth is bullshitthing you, because he doesn’t know you. He doesn’t know your worth and you most definitely don’t know his. He could say he sees a potential but not push it.100% what @copa said on interest in proportion to how long you’ve been dating. This guy is going 100 mph after just meeting you. Slow down! Get to know one another. Yes, your past break up is fresh and you don’t like to be reminded of it, but you were all in after a few dates and then it fizzled out pretty quickly. Six weeks is not that long. And this guy wants it to be the same way. He’s ready for an “us” after three dates. It’s ok to take it slow. I think it’s something you should consider when you are ready to start dating again.
Also, Ver, HELLO!
Woah, yeah, this guy doesn’t sound high quality; he sounds nuts! Talking about “us” after hanging out platonically three times, telling you he sees “your worth” (I would have bolted after that alone!). These are not signs that a guy is into you — these are red flags that something is wrong with him. A guy who is interested in you will do the following within the first three dates:
Ask you out again;
Ask and remember some of your interests, some details about your life, what your schedule and availability is;
Compliment you a few times in a non creepy way (“You have a nice smile” “I like your laugh” “You have a great sense of humor” “You’re fun to hang out with”);
*Maybe* ask what you’re looking for, relationship-wise.Right, it’s not “the more interest, the better” after a few dates. Pushing things along too quickly and seeming really into you really soon are red flags. Like people are saying here, there’s a range of what’s normal / appropriate in the early stages. There’s a threshold of interest, like returning your texts, initiating texts, actively setting up dates, but this guy has sailed right past that into inappropriate territory, being pushy, making you “feel like a jerk” – that’s manipulation! – not respecting boundaries, trying to create a false sense of couplehood… my guess would be he’s trying to get laid. Or is just desperate.
When I talked about quality men earlier in this thread, I meant like, good, viable matches who don’t act weird. Not “good on paper” but clingy and pushy.
