DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I too am quietly following everyone’s updates, not a ton to add myself though. Still dating my bf, and we’ve had a little kerfuffle with him starting his 75% travel job very soon. He needs to re up his lease to start in Oct, and I’d like to move in together soonish (he’s feeling not ready right now but “soon”) so he’s signing a 6 month lease and then we’ll evaluate if we’re feeling ready to move in when that’s up. That will be about 1.5 years in and after his transition into his new job, so timing should be in a good place.
I do get kind of antsy that I’m going to wait and then we’ll get to the 6 month lease being over and he’ll say he’s still not ready, or that he won’t want to get married for several more years (or at all). When I moved in with my ex, he was saying he just wanted to live together for a few months and then he’d for sure propose…but two weeks into living together he told me flat out he would never marry me. So I have a deep fear of being lead on, especially as I’m turning 33 this year (and apparently I’m more into having kids than I thought). I’m doing my best to not be nuts about it, but being in a ton of weddings this fall and having multiple friends who’ve been dating less time than us move in together has gotten under my skin a bit. I had an insecure blow up about it last week, and I feel super guilty. But I just keep telling myself it’s only been 9 months so there’s no sense in rushing things to feel more “secure” as that will probably make things harder in the long run anyway.
But otherwise we’re doing fantastic, planning for birthday trip and vising both of our families for Christmas.
End of the I’m feeling old and envious rant 🙂
kmt, glad things are going mostly well!
Remember, don’t ever base your progression on others… it leads to what you’re feeling right now.
Take me and the fiance for example:
Our first date, July 2015
Proposed, October 2016 (still living separately before this point and after)
Bought a Condo April 2017 and moved in May 2017
Married in 5 days. Unless I run. KIDDING!Living together has been super easy and we didn’t need that trial period before he proposed. It’s not a necessary step and I think him being gun shy about moving in is likely not a reflection on how he feels about you.
If you haven’t already, talk about the steps you see before leading to marriage and the steps he would prefer and see if you can come to a compromise!
FWIW, both of my sisters didn’t move in with their now husbands until after engagement either. Maybe he has a more traditional view?
Also, all my friends and cousins in the city didn’t get married until the 34 – 36 mark. I’m doing this thing at 37.
@kmtthat, I feel you. I also look at couples who have gotten engaged in a much shorter time frame and feel it get under my skin. It’s hard to ignore, even though I know everyone has their own time frame for things. I’m 33 and have been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years and we aren’t engaged. We have a great relationship and are both very happy, but I think about it often. I can definitely understand your fear of being led on. I sometimes feel that way myself, even though in the past my boyfriend has promised he’s not leading me on. Anyone can say anything, but it’s the actions that mean something. With my boyfriend, except for not proposing, all of his actions show that he really cares for me, but who knows – maybe he knows he doesn’t want to marry me. I guess I’ll find out eventually.
I’m listening to all these people at working talking about all the weddings they’re going to this summer…. and they’re all between 25-29. I’m thinking, who the hell are these people who are getting married before 30?? What do they have that I don’t? How come nobody wants to marry me?
It’s hard not to compare at times, and @kmtthat I understand that feeling of being scared to be lead on. My ex did something similar to me. Kept promising that we’d get married, but not yet, still not yet, still not yet, 5 years later still not yet, and then all of a sudden “Sorry, I don’t want to marry you.” [and then he was surprised that I wanted to break up].
So I’ve had some anxiety lately… thinking that maybe my boyfriend only said he wanted me to move to the UK and in with him because he was lonely and he missed me, and it sounded fun in the moment. After I told him that moving across the world means marriage for me, and I proposed a timeline, he just said “ok we can talk about it”. But we haven’t talked about it since then. Soooo…. I have no idea if getting married had ever even crossed his mind.
MissDre, when/how did that last conversation happen (in person / phone / text)?
He brought up you moving and you said moving means marriage to you and proposed a timeline?
It just sort of came up in the middle of late night texting. Just the usual teasing and being silly via text. Then he said he really missed me and was excited for me to get there. I said me too.
Him: I think you should move here.
Me: Hahaha. Really?
Him: Yes
Me: You would want to live together?
Him: Isn’t that obvious? I can support you on my salary. But I’m sure you could find a job here.
Me: So you really want to start a life together there?
Him: Yes, why not. I like it here. And I think you are pretty awesome.And I just said I loved him and I’d think about it. And I thought about it a lot over the next few days. And I wrote out all my feelings about it. I tend to need to write things down to be able to articulate my thoughts. So in my letter I told him that I would move, but that it’s a huge sacrifice to me. That he needs to understand that moving means leaving behind my condo, my job, my friends, my mom, my car, my furniture. So, moving there, for me, means committing to a life together. Talking about a timeline for marriage, looking for a bigger apartment, talking about a timeline for having children.
I suggested we just enjoy the trips we have planned this fall (September & November) and see how things go when he comes here at Christmas. And that if things are still great after Christmas, we should discuss getting engaged in the New Year and get married/move summer 2018 [I already know that other people here don’t agree with me wanting to get married before I move – I’m not looking for advice or opinions on that].
And he just said ok we can talk about it.
We haven’t talked about it since, other than me just teasing him about how small his apartment is and talking about furniture.
But if he doesn’t bring it up while I’m there in September, I think I’ll just leave it be til after Christmas. As much as I love to plan out details, nothing would happen for another year anyway so no point stressing over it right now.
Okay… that seems like a bit much (in terms of the importance of the topic and the level of detail) to address in writing as opposed to a face to face conversation. I get needing to write out your thoughts, but more as prep for a conversation. It’s just a lot to lay on him at once, and you don’t get to see his reaction and talk about it.
Glad I’m not the only one that feels a little crappy (even though I know I shouldn’t). I try not to compare myself to others, but it’s sometimes hard. My bf in the beginning talked about marriage and kids a lot, so now that its down to “ok, what does a timeline for that look like to you” it’s lot more real and he seems more hesitant (he says he definitely sees all that, but wants to do it the right way). I personally would rather NOT live together first, but for him, it’s a necessary step. He said live together for a year, then hopefully be engaged (all obviously depending on how well things are going) But I think he doesn’t want to be tied to specific timing. Whih I get, but man, part of me wants someone who is irrationally, head over heels, enthused about marrying me.
For me, I don’t want to become more intimate/intertwined (e.g. live together) if it’s not for sure going to be marriage. So my compromise is a living together without being engaged time limit. I think after 2.5 years of being together and year of living together and in your mid thirties it’s fair to be like “are we doing this or what?” I don’t want to be a wife in everything but name, and it’s hard for me to do things like spend time with his family for the holidays and getting close with them….I’ve had a lot of bfs, been close to a lot of families, and it hurts when it doesn’t work out. I have a fear of intimacy without commitment I guess. And I…don’t think that’s wildly unreasonable? He wants me to be 100% confident in our relationship and I feel 85% confident, but won’t be 100% until we’re engaged.
kmt, I think that’s why I waited to move in with someone until I was engaged. I did that first time around too. I wanted the commitment their before we intertwined our lives too much. I guess I wanted an easy out if needed.
Ahh, thanks Ver!
