DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@MissDre – my boyfriend talked very early on about marrying me and it totally spooked me and didn’t at the same time. But I was SO hesitant to proceed that I wasn’t even invested fully in the relationship until about six months really. And we did this at a distance, as discussed. I am lucky I was able to see who he was and know deep down I want to marry someone like him (and hopefully him!) as things went on. But if I had gotten a letter like that from him stating “before I move we need to be engaged and married” I would have run for the hills. He moved to be with me at the 9 month mark of our relationship and moved in. I couldn’t imagine throwing a marriage on top of that. We both needed an “out” still….well…me. I needed an out 😉
You may not have totally wigged him out but you have him thinking for sure what this relationship means. And he is making the best of you coming out still. PLEASE find a way to address this gently with him so you can actually check the temperature of where he is. Even more so if you want to be married by this time next year. You need to learn how to have those tough conversations.
My boyfriend would use the phrase “You’re my perfection” and it would drive me bonkers. He’s since stopped using it because I asked, but when we discuss things now about past and present I do say “wow…I AM what you were looking for! I get it now.” So he might feel the same way, or might get it, but right now you’re shoving him to a finish line.
Also, sometimes it’s easy to get bogged down by the “why doesn’t anyone want to marry me” thoughts, and forget about how YOU feel. It’s great to know what you want and pursue it with someone who is a good match for you, but don’t be so focused on getting married as the finish line that you forget to consider whether This Person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. (Not saying any of you are doing that, necessarily. I’ve definitely seen people in my life get married to whoever they happened to be dating at the time they decided they were ready to get married, and sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.)
Eh, I know you may not agree with the way I approached things, but I don’t at all regret it. It was very important for me to be able to voice my own needs and be honest about what I want out of this relationship, which I did, and I’m actually really proud of myself for saying what I did. I wouldn’t change a thing.
And to be fair, you’re probably thinking that I said something like “If you want me to move you have to marry me by June 2018!!” which, I did NOT do at all. I’m giving you the gist of things here, so I’m asking you to give me the benefit of the doubt that the way I phrased things was not an ultimatum.
My boyfriend is not running for the hills, and I’m 100% certain that there is no “damage” to control. Things are still great between us. We still FaceTime every day. He’s still telling me that he’s excited to celebrate our anniversary in London. He’s still telling me how excited he is for me to get there. He’s still talking about planning a trip together in the sprig. We’ve even been talking about furniture.
And it’s not like this all happened out of the blue… it had been building up for a while. He’s made comments before this about ending the distance, and I had told him that I want this to be a forever thing.
I’m not at all concerned about the status of my relationship. My only concern is how to talk about next steps.
I also know that getting married before moving wouldn’t work for everybody, and that’s totally fine. But this is what’s important to me. So, if you have advice or opinions as to how I can bring this up while I’m there in person, I’m all ears. But please respect that engagement and/or marriage is what I personally need before I move across the ocean and leave my country behind.
My ex told me at four months in that he wanted to marry me and be with me forever.
My other ex took me house hunting to see “where we are goint to live” a month before breaking up.I guess in my case, it’s not that they don’t want to marry me, they did, but they changed their mind.
Whoa, yeah, @Dre, I think I read one of your previous messages incorrectly. I think if you have engagement in mind for early 2018 and marriage in mind for next summer, you should bring up your timeline in person sooner rather than later. As for HOW you bring it up, isn’t it enough to just say you want to hear his thoughts on the letter you wrote him? I guess I’m confused about why this needs to be approached super delicately. If you don’t want to bring it up because you’re worried you’ll rock the boat or push him, maybe that’s a sign you’re not ready for engagement and marriage as soon as you outlined in this thread. If you can’t even have a difficult conversation with someone, probably hold off on marriage.
As for the whole “nobody wants to marry me” feeling, I seem to be in a minority of women who absolutely did NOT want to get married in her 20s. As far back as I can remember, that was never something I thought would happen or particularly wanted. Maybe 1-2 years ago I started worrying it’d NEVER happen when I realized that my options are far fewer than they were years ago, but I’ve never been terribly sad to not be married at THIS particular moment. If that makes sense. My worry basically boils down to, “What if it never happens?” rather than, “Is something wrong with me that nobody has wanted to marry me yet?”
I guess maybe that’s where the confusion is coming in. I’m NOT READY to get married right now, nor am I ready to move right now, nor am I even ready to get engaged right now. But when he asked me to move, I thought about it and I decided that another 12 months seems like a good timeline.
That’s why I feel like after Christmas would be a good time to check in with each other, and if things are still great, then we can start discussing next steps.
I specifically told him that I’m NOT ready right now, but that I do see a future for our relationship, a future that includes marriage, and that I AM willing to move eventually, that I imagine next summer to be a good time.
And I guess that’s why I’m conflicted about how to approach the topic. Because I’M NOT READY TO GET MARRIED. Am I supposed to wait until I AM ready before we talk about this? Or are we supposed to be feeling each other out and discussing possibilities in advance? That’s why I’m confused about bringing it up.
You sent him a letter laying out a specific timeline that you’d like, which has a proposal “in the New Year,” I.e, Jan/Feb. that’s how I’d take it. In no way did I read what you wrote as an ultimatum. I still think it wasn’t a great idea to throw that all in a letter with no plans to discuss for months. YMMV. As an adult in a relationship, you need to be able to have these conversations.
For addressing it with me my boyfriend kind of did a throw it in your face approach some. I was able to communicate to him “Look, we need to table this until it becomes a real thing.” And for us it just naturally progressed that way so I don’t have any good advice on how to approach it with him. We weren’t on such a compressed timeline whcih makes yours tricky. I do think his response was good and tells me “hey I’m thinking about this”
I like @copa saying to him “So lets talk about thoughts on the moving and marriage.” It might be the best way. And if you want it by next summer, it would be good to bring it up now. At Christmas (or post Christmas) you’ll both be a little blue on not spending the holiday today so it may not be AS rational of a discussion. Maybe bring it up towards the end of the visit so you get a feel for it.
Long time lurker, have loved following along on this thread. I was reeling from a long term relationship ending when it started, and have since started dating someone that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. This thread and seeing everyone’s advice definitely help get me to where I am today. I wanted to jump in as I am in a similar point in my relationship as MissDre (minus the long distance part). We have been together almost a year and I feel ready to start the conversation of next steps, but am not actually ready for them to happen yet. Last night we actually had a talk about having “the talk”, which I think you might be going for MissDre. I basically said that I am really happy, we have discussed being together long term and we are both in this. Lately I have been thinking more about our future, what that looks like, etc. I don’t think we are ready for those steps just yet, but in the coming weeks I think we should find some time to chat about what they look for each of us, a loose timeline, and make sure we are on the same page.
My guy doesn’t like to talk about his feelings a whole lot so I tend to be the one to bring up these conversations. I have found that if I tell him I am interested in having a certain conversation, but we don’t have it right away, it gives him time to process and be ready for when we do talk. This usually happens within a few days or a week.
I guess that was kind of a long-winded way to say I get where you are coming from MissDre, I don’t think you need to have a serious talk with set timelines on this trip, but a casual “These are the steps I see us taking as we move forward, what are your thoughts?” And then wrap it up with commenting that it is still a ways off so let’s enjoy our trip and we can talk about this again at Christmas, or whenever you feel comfortable. I think this will also help to calm your nerves a bit and feel a bit more secure in the relationship.
