DW Community Catch-up Thread
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I started reading an Atlantic article by the author of that Mr. Enough book and I could’t finish it.
As the only single woman in my son’s mommy-and-me group, I used to listen each week to a litany of unrelenting complaints about people’s husbands and feel pretty good about my decision to hold out for the right guy, only to realize that these women wouldn’t trade places with me for a second, no matter how dull their marriages might be or how desperately they might long for a different husband. They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.
Really?! I don’t know how I will feel in 5-10 years but seeing/hearing about shitty marriages and divorce, I’d rather be alone.
I think that has to do with people who have never been alone for any length of time being afraid of it.
I would not rather feel alone in a marriage than be on my own. I can’t imagine feeling alone but also having to deal with another person. Ugh.
Yeah, I almost NEVER feel this way, so it’s weird for me. It’s like logically, I get it, but emotionally I need to get caught back up. For a couple weeks now, some comments I’ve heard got under my skin. Like listening to that 23-year-old co-worker lament about running out of time made me wonder just how much she pities me. Oh, and the friend of mine she’s been on a date with? He was rubbing it in that she feels this way and advised me to lose 10 lbs. (WOW.) And then my friend getting engaged just kinda made me feel like everyone is moving forward but me — the short-sighted 23 year olds, rude men, and my friend who was an absolute hot mess when she was dating (think crying after literally every first date when the guy didn’t text immediately).
Anyway. A lot of it just emotional shit I have to work through. It’ll pass. I already feel better after crying to my therapist. I’m going on a mini-vacation tomorrow so I have something fun to look forward to.
@hfantods I only have one married friend who is truly miserable and I wouldn’t trade places with, ever. I think she’d rather be single, but she’s financially dependent on her husband/doesn’t think she can support herself, and views divorce as a huge failure. So she stays and puts up with it. She recently told me she’s felt broken-hearted most of their marriage. Um. No, thanks! I’d pass! And I think she would, too. But her marriage is, like, next-level misery.“Have any of you ever read the book “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough” ?
I read that woman’s Atlantic article and she sounds like an asshole. She also seems to be primarily concerned with finding a pair of hands to assist her with child care duties rather than someone who is maybe a good partner but fails to meet her romantic ideals.The way that she writes about the men who are out there for someone her age, drips with contempt.
Maybe the article was just written provactively to get attention for the book (which has 4.5 stars on amazon) but she doesn’t come across as a particularly nice or insightful person.
Yeah, Copa, I get that he’s “fun” and flirty, but he’s got his red flags flying high.
–using Tinder to cheat on his girlfriend with high school girls??? I know it was 2 years ago, but he’s the kind of guy who would do that. And dating only 20-year olds since and lying about his age just reinforces it
–live-texting you while he’s on a date with the 23-year old? That’s super rude to you both
–rubbing in that she’s into him? Wtf, so immature and egotistical
–talking about your weight and recommending you lose 10lbs, I cannot even. He’s a huge asshole and not normal and what you should lose is all his contact info. Holy fuck.I may be misreading, but I read it as he was rubbing in to his early 30s friend that the 23 year old feels that time is slipping away. Which seems pretty obnoxious.
Oh maybe, but he was also live-texting all the stupid shit the 23-year-old was saying *while* on a date with him, I think about her feelings about him. Super asshole move.
“My old coworker got sloppy and invited my friend out on Friday. He went and was basically live-texting me the stuff she was saying. She told him he’s perfect and wonderful and beautiful, telling him she’s running out of time to meet someone, and started discussing what the future had in store for them before doing an aboutface and bemoaning that they wouldn’t work out. That was the second time they’d met.”
Who does that?? She’s 23 and stupid, but he’s old enough to be accountable.
@Fyodor That’s what he was doing. He was texting me while they were out together. (Which, omg, is TACKY and rude. Since it was over text it was hard to tell if he was making fun of her? I’ve definitely been drunk and said embarrassing shit, and would be absolutely horrified if I knew that someone was relaying every humiliating word I uttered to a mutual friend.) One of the last messages was basically, “Now she’s telling me she’s running out of time! I asked why, so now she’s trying to be deep by clarifying that we’re *all* running out of time!” I responded that she’d told me this the previous night. Then he continued on in a way that was weird, like he really wanted to harp on it. I told him he was hurting my feelings and stopped responding. We talked a little the next morning — he wanted to know WHY that hurt my feelings. (Seriously?)
I mean yeah, I get it. I thought about dating him last summer but yes, he’s like a red flag on legs and if he wrote in here I think a lot of people would be like, “Bro! Spend six months MINIMUM working on you!”
Anyway, I talked about this all with my therapist last night. I told her I at first wondered if I actually DO want to date him, but reflected and no, I don’t. He’s gotta get his shit straight. I think a lot of my emotion is rooted in the realization that a dating pool that already seemed small and unforgiving now feels, I dunno, smaller and more competitive. It’s like, I already knew he was into the youngins. But hearing about it so much lately — from both sides, no less, while also trying to mind my own business — has been weird and surprisingly emotional.
I mean, that’s what I was saying. It’s not him, it’s just the thought that other people are doing things. Really the best thing to do is not compare yourself to anyone else – weight, relationships, etc.
Just focus on yourself and making yourself better…for yourself, not for some guy. He is/was a bullet dodged. Why would he “advise” you to lose 10 pounds. What a jerk.
I had a fourth date with Mining Guy. I went in still not sure if I liked him or not, but it was like a switch and suddenly I saw him as a whole person — personality, looks — and I realized I did like him, or at least wanted to continue seeing him.
So we had a good dinner date and it was all going well. We were lying on his bed and he said something like “I like where this is going” or “I like what we’re doing.” And then I don’t know what happened, I verbal vomited, “Are we giving this a go?”. He said “I need some time on that.” And I did feel hurt, initially, but also I realized what I said. I did not go into this date wanting to ask him if he wanted to be exclusive. Heck, I didn’t know if I liked him or not. And then I actually told him that (the first part), and basically we agreed that we were going to do this date by date. He also said we didn’t have to put a label on it, which I think was meant to reassure me, but now typing it out, am I little hurt? I don’t know. It’s what I want. It’s only been four dates.
Later, I actually asked him, “Did I mess this up?” and he said no. And I said, “I don’t want to scare you away”, and he said he wasn’t scared away. He was really good about it. I know I shouldn’t say these things. Honestly, I don’t know when I became this insecure. Or it’s more like, I don’t usually verbalize my insecurities to other people but he makes me feel comfortable so that I feel that I can ask.
The date carried on and it ended well. He told me he likes me and likes spending time with me. I just feel so “crazy”. I realize I’m overthinking. I just need to let this go and enjoy what’s happening, wherever it might end up. I absolutely realize that in online dating, people are seeing other people, but for the first time, I felt that maybe he is seeing someone else. Which is OK because we aren’t “exclusive”. It’s as if because I better know I like him, suddenly I feel all these emotions, whereas before I had less skin in the game, per se.
I’m going away Thursday for five days and have something each night this week. So the earliest we see each other is next Monday, or, basically, in two weeks. It’s fine, but just sucky on timing.
I just don’t want to self-sabotage now and I needed to vent. Blaaaaaah.
