Update over here: Banjo and I will be moving in together in February! My lease is up then and I need to tell the landlord in November if I will renew it or not so we’ve been discussing it. It was a very easy decision and very natural progression in our relationship. We looked at some places online last night to get an idea of what’s out there, but I might just move into his place since he has a one-bedroom at a good price and we really like the neighborhood. I’ve just read Wendy’s list of things to consider and a few other lists and there are some conversations I want to have but in general I feel ready.

The only thing is… we haven’t said “I love you” yet. Do y’all think this is weird? We’ve been together about a year (our anniversary is in three weeks). Banjo often tells me how much he appreciates me, likes me, has such a great time with me, I mean so much to him, etc. but hasn’t said those three little words. I’ve never been the one to say it first in a relationship but have thought about saying it several times only to chicken out. Each time has been a special occasion or a trip and I didn’t want it to be A Thing if he didn’t say it back. Maybe he has also thought about it and chicken out. I guess I just need to go for it on any random day! I know Banjo loves me based on how he treats me but it would be nice to say it out loud. And it seems a little weird to move in together if we haven’t said it yet?

“maybe you’re ending up in situations where what seems like a good connection is really just them doing their thing”

That is a really good appreciation.

Look,if you love someone, tell them. Don’t start a competition with that. And do find out if he feels that way, sooner rather than later

I mean, your gut telling you he does is good, and you’re probably right. But. He wouldn’t be the first guy to carry on in a relationship that he enjoys but in which he’s not in love. And with your lease coming up, I could see a guy who’s not feeling “in love,” but “in like / appreciation” moving forward with that anyway. Again, he probably does, but definitely find out where he’s at with that before letting your apartment go.

Is it possible that maybe you’re mistaking their social adroitness for some kind of deeper rapport.

Is it possible? Sure! But I don’t feel a deeper rapport with every charming guy I meet. I don’t even feel it with most. The rapport here stemmed more from how much we had in common and shared interests than anything else. And some of his gestures — e.g., the whole getting together during the workday thing that I mentioned — seems less like a sociable guy just doing his thing and more like trying to acting like his interest is more than it is.

@lucia Since you feel it, why not just tell him? I understand the nerves, but it seems like you should be ready for that kind of vulnerability if you’re going to make your lives more intertwined with a move-in. At a minimum, in your shoes, I think I’d need to say if for no other reason than to gauge reaction. I wouldn’t feel comfortable moving in with someone who didn’t love me after a year.

Ah, engineers. In college and the few years post-college, I somehow almost exclusively hooked up with and/or dated engineers. Half the guys I’ve slept with have been engineers. I’d find them even when I wasn’t seeking them out, like meeting a cute guy at a friend’s wedding who happened to be an engineer. It never worked out with any of them. I like smart nerdy guys, and some of them were a bit awkward or had low self-esteem. I do know a number of personable, friendly, outgoing engineers who are married or in successful relationships, so you might be able to find an outgoing engineer who wasn’t a frat bro.

Funnily enough my boyfriend is an artist, so basically the opposite of an engineer (although he isn’t a stereotypical artist) and it’s the most successful relationship that I’ve had by far.

Isn’t it weird how that is? Certain types just seem to find you. I’m lucky in that my boyfriend actually makes a good living as an artist (works on animated tv shows). But he’s also very outdoorsy and my type has shifted more towards the outdoorsy types.