DW Community Catch-up Thread
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hey Cleo! I wasn’t ready after a year with Dbag and wasn’t ready again with RadioStar. Nothing wrong with waiting.. I had the conversation of where my expectations were prior to moving in (like, hey, i think we should be at “X” point in our relationship, have done these things from Wendy’s list etc. For RadioStar, I said, let’s table this conversation for 6 months and bring it up then. After the 6 months, I felt a lot better about where things were going and then at that point, it was “let’s just get married.” So we did (6 months later).
As long as you’re clear and not avoiding, i”ve found it to be a helpful conversation to get priorities in sync. Also, I HATE the cheaper/convenient argument. Dammit, we are both worth the inconvenience.. and what’s more inconvenient than breaking up and having to move early anyway?
@Cleo – I’ll try to answer as best I can. I have looked at Wendy’s lists and here’s how we break down so far.
1. Articulate at least one reason besides convenience and finances to move in together. (We love each other and want to be married eventually and see each other more than just on the weekends)
2. Save enough money for three months’ rent (security in event of a breakup). (I own my home and have savings so if we break up he would move out. He has enough savings this would be okay)
3. Reach an agreement on how rent/mortgage and household expenses will be split. (currently we make the same amount and would split household expenses 50/50)
4. Discuss your financial situations in detail. (We have sat down and made separate budgets, actually, and plans to pay off student debt, cars, etc.)
5. Be in agreement about potential future steps in your relationship, like marriage and kids, and when you’d like for those to happen. (We both know we want to be married at some point, but we want to live together first)
6. Discuss how household chores will be divvied up. (We need to discuss this. He’s very helpful with chores when he stays on weekends but we have no formal arrangement)
7. Clean out your closets and get rid of all the crap you no longer want or need. (Lololol – ongoing process)
8. Celebrate a one-year anniversary together. (July 27)
9. Go on a trip together. (We’ve gone on a staycation and plan to go on a cruise next year)
10. Poop in each other’s homes.(I can assure you he has pooped in my home.)
11. Spend a whole week together. (Does 5 days count? It’s hard when you’re long distance)
12. Introduce your pets. (They love him more than me now)
13. Decide whose furniture you’re keeping. (He has a bed and a tv. That’s about it……)
14. Pick out some new sheets and bedding that complements both your tastes. (I’m sure we’ll go on a shopping trip when the move in date happens)
15. Have an exit strategy (Who keeps the apartment in the event of a breakup? Will the person moving out find a new roommate for the person staying? What about the deposit on the apartment? Etc., etc.) (I own my home, have for three years, with and without roommates, so if it doesn’t work out and he leaves, I’ll be okay)
Cleo – the less detailed answer is this. We started talking about it a few months ago. We live 90 minutes apart and he rents from his parents. We only see each other on the weekends. He’s going back to school to finish his degree. Currently he’s doing school in his town. Originally he wanted to wait to move up here until he graduated in 2020. I sort of explained how frustrating it would be to be in a LDR for three years. I’m 34. We both want to have kids and I’d like to be married for a year or so before we have kids. So he’s looked into transferring up here (we have a university in the town I work in) and finding a job in this area. The compromise was he will finish this semester and next semester at his current school and then start taking summer classes up here next year. It was a series of discussions but basically we love each other and we’re tired of only seeing each other on the weekends.
If you’re not ready, that’s okay!
@Cleopatra_30 Chiming in to say I think it’s fine if you’re not ready after a year of dating! I honestly don’t think I would be, though at my age (early 30s), would hope to be with someone I can see myself living with when we hit the one year mark. I also think if you’re moving next fall anyway, it makes sense to wait just from a practical standpoint.
My only experience living with a boyfriend was when I was 23, and we moved in together mostly for convenience/finances, and I guess cause we thought it’d be fun to play house. The decision was made super cavalierly, we weren’t mature enough. We broke up at 25 and I was devastated. I don’t want to live with an SO again without a more firm commitment because of that experience. I can’t believe either of us thought we were ready for that step at such a young age. (I know not everyone is different, but I get anxiety when I hear about anyone like 25 or under getting married because I think about how completely different I am now just a handful of years later.)
All this to say, I think it’s more than fine to take your time in taking the next step, and good that you realize it’s a pretty big deal. I’m not sure how old you guys are, but generally speaking, I think the younger you are, the more it makes sense to date longer. I think if I were you, my personal preference would be to make it through school and LDR, and the natural “trigger” for me to have more serious move-in talks would be when I started planning my life after graduation.
Finances and convenience are completely logical reasons to move in, assuming the other reasons are in place. It is not a lack of not being willing to be inconvenienced. My ex and I stayed at my place 99% of the time and he was spending over $3500 a month on rent and utilities for an always empty place. That savings went toward starting our business which ended up allowing a house purchase and nice savings account. OF COURSE it is a smart reason if the other timing is right. Heck, when I traveled 5-6 days a weeks I was ready to get rid of my place for the same reason.
@Cleo thanks! I’m going with my sister and she has promised that she will get my a “It’s my birthday” badge. I’m excited.
Chiming in to say, I’ve never lived with anyone but moving in with someone is something you should overthink? I mean, why would you rush? It’s ok to not be ready and it’s ok to see all the possible outcomes.
@Veritek I though he was moving near you, not with you! This is success! Really happy for you.
Thanks ladies, I appreciate the support and insight!
Right now my biggest concern is that we haven’t talked long term yet. We have talked about kids, mainly because I don’t want them, so that was brought up pretty early on to make sure we were on the same page. But marriage has never been broached, and for me at least, until I finish school and really get my work life sorted it isn’t on my mind much. But I know it will be a conversation to have next year once we hit 2 years and my potential move happens for school. Mind you, he has expressed support and interest in moving to me if I find work in the city that I go to school at, if that is the case. So I know he isn’t tied down anywhere yet (I am not either), and has thought about the distant future a bit for us.
We are travelling for the first time together in a week or so, nothing major, going to Ontario to visit our respective families and attend a wedding. But something I have not done with a partner before, so new experience and a test to see how we travel together 😛
Finances were talked in depth when I was dealing with my own financial issues. So we are clear on both sides that way. But otherwise, I am not really in the financial position anyways that allows me a way out if things go south. So not moving in right now is kind of limited for me.
He did mention in another conversation started by myself that he wanted to make sure we were compatible living together before I moved away for school. I guess he was worried that if we aren’t then we don’t wait till after I am done school, and several years committed. But I think that was just him pulling at straws to justify a move in.
I like the idea of going back and forth and spending more than a weekend together to experiment living together. That to me is a safe and secure way to test the waters. My friend and her BF of 5 years have done that. I also think he is being very lax about the whole thing because for him it isn’t a big deal. But I think ultimately having those items on Wendy’s list puts into perspective the small things that add up in a relationship that do contribute to compatibility and comfort of living with your partner. He just doesn’t realize the importance of those experiences.
Edit: for context we are both 27 years old. Been together over a year, and both have full time work.
What a hectic week. I am just now catching up with everyone’s dates here. @Cleo: I think you are very wise to take the time you need to be ready before making such a big change.
@Veritek – how exciting…are you considering your romance a success story now?My AG came back a bit early Saturday night (1030 pm instead of 1 in the morn) and immediately texted me, asking if I had time to go see him. I was so excited to have him here again! He saw the house he bought sight unseen and big relief, loved it. Been helping him get ready to move and put everything into storage (his current house closes in a few days, he cant move into the new one for another 6 weeks due to that closing date +some reno) and juggling work plus a side work project a friend asked for help on and start the “kids will be where for which” holiday discussions.
Anyway, we haven’t had the big feelings discussion because, well, hectic time. If I said it now, would be about my needs and not his – not thinking about what he’s already juggling. But I can feel the words there, waiting to be said.
@Ale yes, the original plan was for him to move nearby, but we realized it was going to take him longer to get up here than we thought, so why wait even longer to live with each other? If we broke up we’d both be fine. I own my home and he rents property from his parents, so he would have a place to return to if things didn’t work out. He also has a job he can do just about anywhere. Mostly we just love each other and want to give this a shot and live together 🙂
@alafair – lol, I’ll never say never. He’s my person and he makes me happy so we’ll call that part a success.
Sooo I ended up making chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter frosting for my boyfriend’s birthday and they were delicious so I had to write about them here heh. I took him out for dinner at a local tapas restaurant because he went to Spain earlier his year. I also got him a pair of fun socks with sushi on them, because he is a fan of both. So it was a nice birthday 🙂 I was also cleaning up photos on my phone and I found a photo of the pumpkin cupcakes I made him last year which was neat to think of the year gone by.
How was your Ontario trip Cleo? I didn’t write in before but I agree with the others here that there’s no rush to move in especially with your school on your mind. It doesn’t speak otherwise on your relationship.
Chocolate cupcakes with PB frosting sound delightful! You guys must be coming up on the one-year mark, right?
Things are still going well with BG! He went to London for work two Friday ago and was there for over a week. One of my oldest friends lives in London and she actually got together with him one night after work and showed him some local spots. So last night I went to his place for dinner, and it was just so nice to be with him. It had been almost two weeks! He brought me back some British munchies. One of them is a chocolate bar that I used to buy when I lived overseas that I only found in certain countries, and I was so excited to see it in the little box he had for me. He leaves again on Friday, this time for an annual trip he takes with his guy friends, then has another work trip two weeks from now. The travel for his job isn’t the easiest, especially when they send him cool places where he decides to extend his trip out there, but I don’t feel to compelled to be swiping around. We’ve both started talking slightly longer term, like trips we could take together in 2019. I stayed too late last night, I’m exhausted today.
