DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Being on-call can be rough on a relationship. My dad is a doctor and though he generally worked normal hours, I think he rotated on-call responsibilities for off-hours. So back in the days of pagers, he’d be at something like a school play or sports match and would get a page and need to leave early. I remember after one of these nights, my mom told me not to marry a doctor. That was the only real insight I got into that aspect of their relationship, but it didn’t sound great.
@Copa – I’m sorry to hear about your friend, you’re right she didn’t deserve that. And I know it’s not a popular stance but I’d run an online dates name though the state court records before I went out with them. Saved me from going on a date with a guy that had a restraining order out on him from his ex wife.
And I’m glad you like our preview, I was worried about outfits for a while but we ended up with something we both liked.
MofV’s sister is 31 – and I just can’t anymore. I’m done trying. I’ve apologized, I’ve extended Olive branches, I bought her and MOV’s Mom some Disney swag from my part time job and she still acts this way because our wedding is before hers.
My mom was on call a lot as a kid so I can’t speak as the spouse. She investigated child abuse as a DFS worker so she’d get pages at all times of day and night. When she got a page on Christmas eve and had to remove some kids from their home rather than being with me and my dad – that’s when she put in her notice. Hopefully BG’s job isn’t as demanding. I was “on call” when I worked in politics but it typically wasn’t too bad. I think it all depends on the company.
Yeah. Neither BG nor my ex are doctors. BG works in software, the ex worked in logistics/operations. It sounds like BG’s on-call schedule will be rotated with his coworkers, so at least it won’t be ALL the time, but I’m unsure how frequently issues will pop up. He’s so new that I’m sure he has no idea either. He tried to do what he needed to do from his phone, but couldn’t, so he had to leave. It was disappointing! He apologized and said he’ll bring his work laptop with him from now on when he’s on-call. My ex usually could handle what he needed to over the phone, but occasionally he’d have to go into work unexpectedly. I still remember the look on his face every time his work ringtone went off. He hated feeling like he was always on the clock.
@copa One of my best friends has a role that sounds similar to BG’s. When she is on call she just makes sure she takes her laptop places and usually she doesn’t miss too much. One girls night she had to spend about an hour working in the corner, but she said as long as she prepares for a call or something she is still able to do most things. I am sure once he gets settled in it will be less disruptive for you both.
My husband does duty and yeah, it can be annoying. When he’s on he can’t go past a certain short distance from work or drink (which obviously isn’t the main issue but sometimes we like to sit in the backyard with a glass of wine and some music on weekends) so we’re kind of stuck. With the nature of his work too he’s often called late at night when people are drunk enough to get into shenanigans so it’s not great sleep for either of us. It’s awful not being able to make plans or enjoy what should be free time.
So I want to gather some thoughts from others here about my ex and I.
As context, the reason I decided to end things was because of the lack of chemistry in the bedroom. I had been in counselling the last 6 months or so this year to help with some of my own emotional regulation, but to also talk about this particular issue between us. So we had been working and talking about our sex life and what I needed for 6 months prior to moving in together this September. Basically, I wasn’t happy with the sex, it was very vanilla for me and didn’t have enough variety, passion and chemistry in the bedroom. We were physical in public, ie PDA, and we were affectionate elsewhere, but the bedroom life just seemed to be stagnant. I told him things I needed, and also told him to tell me what he wanted to try (as he was less experienced than me).
When we broke up I had realized that the lack of satisfaction in the bedroom affected me emotionally more than I realized. So I felt it was necessary to end it for the sake of my sanity and happiness. He told me the night we ended things that he had wanted to try stuff but was nervous about bringing it up (I had made sure he knew I was GGG, and asked him about things he wanted to try, but he didn’t provide much for me).
So, tonight, I had to go to his place to pick something of mine up, and he apologized to me about how he acted after the break up, as we were living together for over a week till I could find a place. He said he was trying to emotionally disconnect to protect himself, but also realized it wasn’t kind to me either. I said thank you for the apology, and yes I understood we were not in the best situation after, but he did act a bit immaturely at times.
Then he also apologized and acknowledged his lack of openness with our sex life. Said in talking with a friend he realized that his past sexual experiences were very tame and vanilla and just assumed that’s how it was (not sure why after 2 years and me trying to coax it out of him to open up he still thought that). Regardless, he acknowledged openly he was not fair in the bedroom. I said thank you, and repeated my frustrations that I had told him prior, and that I hope he is able to explore more on his own that he should explore and see what he likes considering his lack of experience.
Leaving that conversation, I was happy and also relieved that he had been thinking about what happened, acknowledged his faults and that he had things to work on.
My question is, should I let him know that I am open to potentially re visiting our relationship. Caveat being, if he manages to explore and learn more about his own sexual interests, and thinks he can bring something more to the table in the future. At the end of the day, the sex stuff was the biggest deal breaker for me. He knew this. The fact that this finally came to a head for me was hard, as we did have a lot of commonalities and chemistry otherwise (ie same values, future plans, interests, lifestyle, personality, emotional support, etc).
@Cleopatra_30 Generally speaking, I don’t think that’s a great idea. I think the hope of reconciliation can stop one or both people from moving on the way they should after a break-up.
I agree with @Copa. And if it really was something he wanted to change or focus on he would have done it while you were together. It is easy to say things will change once you have broken up, and maybe they would for a couple months, but generally I would say he has shown you who he is and unfortunately you are not compatible sexually.
I agree with Copa and Scorpio. Even if you’re compatible sexually it just sounds like maybe this one ran it’s course and you’re having second thoughts. I’d tread super lightly.
Thanks, I appreciate the thoughts. I wouldn’t consider again anytime soon. Mainly because I know time between us needs to happen so we can fix ourselves. I have things I want to work on. Was more or less a year or two down the line if that ever came to it.
I do agree though that it probably isn’t a good idea. I can see how suggesting it to him may impact how we both move on successfully. I can also see the issue or him not addressing it when we were together. I never really understood why he didn’t put more effort and wasn’t more open. So it does upset me that it came to this, and his experiences will be with others, and not me when we were together. It says alot about his own ideas and outlook on sex. I would like to think he will actively practice and change for his sake and future partners.
I’m sorry, Cleopatra! I will also agree with the others that it’s probably not the best idea.
I could see this breakup being the kick in the pants that he needs to make some real changes in his life. But I think you need to have some distance and time before possibly getting back together.
Maybe what you’re feeling is a little bit of regret… like now that you’re hearing him say these things, you’re feeling like if you’d worked harder or hung on a little longer, you could’ve worked through your biggest deal breaker with a guy who was otherwise a great fit. But I don’t think that regret is yours to have; it’s his. You did what was within your power to do, which was vocalizing that there were areas of the relationship leaving you dissatisfied. I mean, he knew this was a problem for awhile, but made what sounds like no effort to change how things were, meet your needs, or vocalize his own. It sounds like he’s either happy with the vanilla sex and would be more sexually compatible with someone who feels the same, or has some issues or hangups around sex.
ETA: I say this not to give you false hope, but I’ve seen a few instances of couples getting back together successfully after breaking up. Not many, but a few. The one thing they all had in common was a clean break and a good amount of time to focus on themselves (the shortest break-up was a little over a year). The parties involved all moved on like that was it, their relationships were over forever, and came back together as different versions of themselves, if that makes sense.
