DW Community Catch-up Thread
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@Copa, I agree. It had crossed my mind after we broke up whether I had left prematurely and given up too quickly. But having dealt with this issue for 6 months and getting pretty much no where with regards to improvements made I was still glad that I had ended it when I did despite the circumstances.
My thought on mentioning or even considering this internally for the future is more around the idea of him addressing those shortcomings and improving himself. If he turns out to be more than vanilla, I wouldn’t be opposed to trying again if we were in the same boat of being single and interested. This again would be a year or two down the line. I have no intent to date at the moment, and want to work on myself through counselling to deal with some of the personal issues that arose during the relationship.
I will not be contacting him to put this in his head, I am just going to leave it be as a passing thought for myself.
I’m with Copa and I think she’s giving excellent advice here. You need to move on, everything is really fresh now and maybe you’re not seeing the big picture. It’s probable that you guys were incompatible in other issues as well.
Sorry again you have to go through this @Cleo. I agree with what people have said. Even internally having this in your head may affect you moving on. It sucks that maybe you may be the impetus of him improving himself but he didn’t do it while you were still together.
Could I also bounce some ideas around with you folks? My boyfriend has been back to his “normal job” for a month. We basically meet up once during the week and spend most of the weekend together. I realize I miss him more. I liked waking up together on weekdays. It’s starting to make me think about moving in together. My boyfriend has been the one bringing up the conversation in the past. We haven’t talked about it seriously because he’s been on the project. My parents are very traditional. At this point there’s nothing for them to say if we move in together but I’d have to get over the mental block. I pulled up Wendy’s list of things to do of course. We are at the financial stage and the what happens if we break up. I just feel so naive because I always thought about prenups and the like but when it’s really your own relationship it’s harder to distance yourself because I obviously don’t plan on breaking up. Any suggestions for these discussions or the terms?
Not to steal @hfantod’s thunder or change the subject, but BG floated the idea of me moving into his place next summer when my lease is up. He owns his place, I rent mine, so it makes practical sense. Even though I’m less inclined in my 30s to move in with a partner without a firmer commitment and would need to wrap my thoughts around that more before we have a real discussion, I’m open to the idea, but want to make sure the terms would be fair. So if, while answering @hfantod’s question, anyone has any insight into or experience with moving in with someone into their owned home, would love to hear some thoughts!
That’s exciting, @hfantods and @Copa! When I moved in with my now-husband, it was from my rented apartment to the condo that he owned. He refused to be my “landlord” so I used that money to pay off my student loans. We started a joint checking account and deposited proportionally according to our income (2/3 him, 1/3 me, each keeping some in our personal savings/checking) and used that to pay for all of our groceries and other shared expenses. We hadn’t explicitly discussed marriage yet, which was probably naive in hindsight, but it was obvious that we were headed there. I got rid of all my furniture because it was Craigslist/Ikea crap anyway, lol. But I had enough in savings to set myself back up if needed. I’m not terribly knowledgeable about prenups, but feel like it’s not as needed unless one or both of you is coming in with significant assets and/or children…? In general, some of the best marriage advice I’ve heard is to marry someone you are reasonably sure would treat you fairly during a divorce. Of course that can be hard to predict!
OMG the amount of crap we own collectively. It overwhelms me a bit. I don’t know how any of what I own would fit in his bachelor pad of like eight years. It’s full! He was saying last night that we could first live at his place, then look for a new place. But I do think I’m leaning toward waiting on a firmer commitment, then finding a place together that would be more permanent. BG’s place is fine, but it’s farther from transit than I’d ever choose for myself, and I rely almost exclusively on transit. And then, yeah, there’s the, do we enter into a landlord/tenant agreement? Is it fair that he’d be benefiting from my helping him with his mortgage? Last night was the first night it’s come up as a true idea, we didn’t get into the details of anything and obviously need to talk in-depth about it.
So exciting for you both, @hfantods and @Copa!
My then-boyfriend (now husband) bought a condo and we moved in together. (It didn’t make sense to buy together at the time, not sure if I’d buy with someone I wasn’t married to.) We split the cost of condo fees, utilities, groceries, and other living expenses according to how much we were making. Instead of paying money towards his mortgage, I put an amount we were comfortable with in a separate account of his each month. That way, if we got married, I would also be building up an amount of equity to put towards either the condo (if we were to jointly own) or another place. But if we broke up, that money would be his. That might not work for everyone, but we didn’t want to muddy the waters on ownership while still recognizing I was more than just a renter. We put together a contract with all that in it – I’m not sure if it would hold up in court, but at least it laid out what we had agreed to. Never needed to call on that contract because we got married.
Very exciting @copa and @hfantods.
I am coming from the other side, where I owned the house and my bf (now ex) moved in. We split the bills based on income percentage and had a joint credit card for household expenses, but only for things that could actually leave if (when) we broke up. So we might buy new towels etc together cause they could be separated, but I bought things like paint, curtains etc. Any big ticket items like furniture or electronics we bought separately so whoever bought them could take them if (when) we broke up.
I was also in my 20s when I did this, I am not sure I would do it the same way now. My current bf and I have talked about moving in together a bit, but we each own our homes so we would be selling and buying a place together which changes things a lot.
Ooh, congrats @copa and @hfantods!
I’m jumping in because I’ve been having this conversation with my boyfriend as well over the last few months too. (For background, we’ve been together almost 3 years at this point.) We do not live together, but I basically spend 6-7 nights a week at his house. He owns his house, about 20 minutes drive from my place. It’s a total fixer upper (was his grandmother’s house), and he is in the process of renovating with guidance from me. I don’t want to move in with him until the renovations are further along, I’m fine with the situation, and he is ok with it too. I still like having my own space (even if I’m hardly there) and he considers the house and the reno “ours.” It makes sense for me to move in to his house, as it’s a 4br house vs my renting a room with a roommate. And he does not want me to contribute to the mortgage or pay him “rent” and would rather I save my money to invest, possibly in a second house that would remain in my name, and in the meantime I would pay for most of the day to day expenses. In the event that we get married we would have a prenup where the house would stay his and in his name. He would rather I pay off my debt and save for something of my own, and in the event that we split up we would have our own places.
Fact is, we live in a really expensive COL area (SF), the house has been his/his family’s, and I frankly wouldn’t want to make him sell it to give me half. Its so hard to even find a place to buy, let alone afford, I just don’t want to do that. Frankly I’m not even in a huge rush to get married. First things first- finish the house, haha.
Haha @copa of course you’re not “stealing my thunder”! Excited for you. And maybe you will get a firmer commitment by the time your lease is up 🙂
Thanks all for your thoughts. We are both renting right now. We have to consider our commute too since our workplaces are in opposite directions. I also actually have been saving for a down payment but I haven’t seen something I liked/could afford so I am still renting. But I wouldn’t buy a house together if I weren’t married or at least engaged and especially not having lived together before.
@hfantods If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t buy together before marriage or engagement either. I feel like you’re nicely situated to keep saving to buy, either together if you tie the knot or solo if you break up. Moving into a rented place together would be a good move, and you’d probably also be saving money faster toward a downpayment if you’re splitting the rent.
I will say, I’m a little bummed BG already owns. It’d make it easier for me if he didn’t. I don’t hate his place — there are some features/amenities to his unit/building that I love — but I wouldn’t have picked it for myself, and that makes me less enthusiastic. I’d rather find a place together that we both feel enthusiastic about and make it our home together. The idea of asking him to sell and move makes me feel kinda guilty (though I think it has investment property potential). I also wonder if, when he settles down in his new role at work and the novelty wears off/hedeals with some crappy winter commutes, HE will want to move by his own accord to be closer to the freeway.
And @moneypenny I can totally relate to not feeling a huge rush to be married. For so long, when I was single, it felt like the finish line (I always knew it wasn’t, but that felt like the goal). But now I’m just enjoying my relationship. I feel happy in it. I used to feel anxious in my past relationships, felt like I had to be perfect and wanted to rush every step along without even thinking about WHY I wanted to do that and if I even realllly wanted to do it with that particular guy. I don’t feel any of that now. Like, what is this lovely calmness of being loved as I am even though I know he sees my flaws? I’m a big fan! I would like to marry, eventually, but I no longer feel that sense of urgency to force the puzzle pieces into place.
@Copa, I feel you. I always thought, yes, I must get married. Like it’s a goal. But, when I think about it, the first reason why I would do so is because that’s what I’m “supposed” to do. I’m so glad you’re happy where you are! That’s a great feeling. I feel the same.
