DW Community Catch-up Thread
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Those are micro-aggressions, and just generally inappropriate. The hair one is also just super rude and insulting, but any comment about curly hair is a micro-aggression, usually toward minorities. Good for you by calling it out as inappropriate as best you could by just staring.
While I agree no one needs to be commenting on anyone’s hair style – and I know that there is absolutely a ridiculous notion that curly hair = not professional and that I would absolutely assume it to be a micro-aggression and I am not challenging that at all….
I will say that on humid days when I don’t put enough product in my hair – all of the shorter hairs on my head curl up into this fuzzy halo – I look like a Renaissance portrait of Mary but far less serene. And when my hair does that – I look very frazzled. I saw my hair yesterday after running some errands and I was like “Da-yum!”
But yeah – shit heads gonna be shit heads. No excuse for them.
Well yeah, I have wavy frizzy hair and I’m very conscious of it looking like shit in hot weather, but what kind of asshole says “nice hair” to someone with frizz on a humid day? GFY buddy.
Yeah, I really think the only time appearance ought to be discussed at work is, like, if someone shows up looking inappropriate for something. Like if I show up to an important meeting or event in distressed jeans and a crop top or something, by all means, say something. But if you think I wear too much black, keep that to yourself… when I was in law school I wore a red top under a black suit to some oral arguments and the amongst the feedback I received from the fake judges grading us was that the red was “too flashy” (and that IRL some judges would have issue with my wearing a pant suit over a skirt suit). Can’t win sometimes!
My boss was hired maybe seven or so years before I was by a couple older men who have since retired, both of whom spent most of their careers here. I guess one of them told my boss that he was hired a few years too late to enjoy the Mad Men culture the office used to have. Not that it’s an excuse, but our executive director has spent his entire career here, so this is the only office culture he knows. The office doesn’t have that feel now and I’m glad. It’s usually fine and I like working here more than I’ve liked past companies (by far!), but every once in awhile something happens that I’ll side-eye. I’m sometimes vocal depending on what’s going on, but then wonder if all I’m doing is putting a target on my own back. Anyway.
I think that’s one bright side to the pandemic — we can wear jeans to the office as long as we aren’t seeing clients
Sometimes I want to compliment someone on a nice outfit or a hair style but then I don’t because I don’t want to be inappropriate, even though it probably is ok.
@Copa, that is so odd to me. I work in tech and have for the past 11 years now, and the idea that you couldn’t wear jeans to work is ridiculous. In my last office (before the pandemic) guys wore shorts and girls wore sweatshirts and leggings to work. I wear hoodies in meetings every single day, remotely, now. I used to dress up more than my younger (30s to 20s) counterparts because I was the sales trainer and I’m 4’10” and want to be respected, but now I’m so far behind the scenes that no one sees me. When I say dress up, I mean I would wear nice jeans or, like, pants from Kohl’s with ballet flats or boots and a top with a cardigan/blazer or a dress, rather than leggings, hoodies, and sneakers, which is what most of the younger folk I was training were wearing. I also wore a full face of makeup every day and styled my hair. Gotta say, I don’t know how I did all that, lol.
I mean, lots of guys wear baseball caps on video now. I wouldn’t know how to react if someone threw shade at me for wearing jeans in the office! Shoot, it’s 2022, I think we all have bigger things to worry about at this point.
Also, I have naturally curly hair that gets super frizzy in the humid summertime and that comment would really upset me. And I’m not even a minority – I know it would be even worse then.
I do think it’s fine to compliment someone on their outfit or hair. Like, female co-workers will tell me they like my sweater on zoom. Or I saw a woman in the elevator and said “that’s a pretty dress.” I told a male colleague he looked nice – he was in slacks, dress shoes, and a pressed button-down. And as for hair, if I’ve styled mine that day and wearing it down, people will say “your hair looks great!” Or someone will get a haircut and people will notice.
Where I’ve noticed it gets weird: A colleague with curly hair wears it straight one day and everyone makes a huge fuss. Or someone with natural hair keeps getting asked about their texture or braids (or asked to touch it!). Or a male colleague comments on a woman’s clothing – just don’t. I probably shouldn’t even have told that guy on my team he looked nice. I meant dressy and finance-appropriate, but it honestly didn’t need to be said.
I think people like compliments, but it can get tricky pretty quick.
@LadyE, what is a full face of makeup? I feel like that means full glam, or a night look. There’s also, like, a 5-minute face for day. I think it’s fine to not wear makeup for work, but there’s a lot of ground in between none and a full face.
I know complimenting someone can feel like a minefield.
Good compliment – Ooooh… new hairstyle! Love. It. or You are having a fantastic hair day! or I love the color of your shirt!
Bad compliment – Those pants make your ass look great! or I could never wear so much makeup but you make it look easy.
@Kate – I love when my Black colleagues get on zoom with a new hairstyle – braids, locs, whatever – but yeah, I know if they iron their hair or get a weave they get a lot of attention. And the only reason I’d ever touch someone’s hair would be to remove a flecky. C’mon now people, don’t be weird.
Yeahhh, different industries are different. My sister is an architect and has worked for several architecture/design/engineering firms and I’ve seen her go into the office (on a day without meetings) in a cold shoulder top back when those were the rage. I’d never wear that to an office. My first company was the most casual one I’ve ever worked at. I was in my 20s and for the most part I think I dressed alright but I know I made a few suspect choices. Should I ever find myself back in an ultra casual in-person environment, there’d be a limit to how far I’d take that.
I do sometimes still give compliments but less now than when I was younger since I’ve now sat through enough harassment trainings to understand that doing so can be touchy.
I once got asked by a coworker at my first job if she could touch my hair. She wanted to feel how thick it was. I said yes but in hindsight a bit weird.
@Kate, for me, a full face means: eyeshadow (primer + 4 colors blended), eyeliner, mascara, brows, foundation/powder, blush, highlighter, lipstick/lipgloss. I don’t really wear false lashes (though I’ve started thinking I should, at least to perform comedy) and for work it would be more neutral/possibly muted colors than brighter/smoky eyes for going out, but honestly my “going out” makeup, as far as effort, is largely the same. I may wear higher end makeup outside of the office – it’s expensive! – but the effort is the same.
I agree that compliments can be tricky, but I’ve definitely seen them done well. I remember years ago when I was really working to lose some weight before a trip out to LA. One of the guys (I worked in sales, so a sales guy) at my office said something like “I think you’ve been trying to lose weight? I just wanted to let you know that it is noticeable” or something pretty respectful. I thought it was nice and not creepy at all, and recognize that he went out on a limb to compliment me because it could’ve gone south quickly.
I also remember once when I went to work with no makeup on (10 years ago now) and the [female] receptionist at the office gasped and yells “ARE YOU SICK??” when I walked in. Heh. I told a training class full of 20something guys that story and they were HORRIFIED. Lolol.
