Can someone help me?
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Why do you even ask for advice? You don’t like anything people are saying. Nothing is your fault. But nothing ever is right?
This whole situation is another level of fucked up. There are no words.What “help” do you need? You’ve got this all under control. Your boyfriend’s daughter cut her dad out of her life, and you’re all but throwing a celebratory party. And your boyfriend is “over it.”
Sure, you lay hands on him and he lays hands on you, but whatever.
So what’s your question? You’ve got it all figured out, don’t you? So go ahead and live in violent, angry “harmony” with your daughter-dumping boyfriend. You two deserve each other, as far as I can see.
I hope your kids are almost grown so they can leave your toxic ass behind them and meet better life role models.
Good Lord. I’d say the LW is a deranged bitch — but that’s far, far too mild.
ohsuzanna: I think some people are being a little harsh. Unless someone has been in your shoes, it’s hard to understand.
I am in a similar situation. My partner has a stepdaughter who was 15 when we got together. We’ve been together four years. This 19-year-old stepdaughter is his ex-wife’s daughter from her previous marriage. The poor kid didn’t have a stable family life at all. (Her mother had her, divorced her father 5 years later, then met my partner and married him, and then my partner divorced her because he couldn’t handle her constant angry outbursts.)
He has rushed away from our date-nights to go spend (unplanned) time with his stepdaughter. On my birthday, she called him crying about an “emergency,” and he left in the middle of us about to have intercourse so he could tend to her. I later found out that the “emergency” was: She was traumatized because her coworker called her a rude word and stole her nail polish bottle. He lavishes her with gifts all the time. We’ll be at the mall and he’ll see a $300 dress in the window at Anthropologie, and will buy it for her because “Kelsey would like this.” But the most he has ever given me was a $9 necklace from Claires, which rusted after a few weeks. I joke you not. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, so this is not a casual dating thing. (And even if we were casual, it would feel kind of bad to feel so “second place.”) I’m not materialistic, but it hurts to know he doesn’t think I’m “worth it” to spend a little money on.
I have tried very hard not taking it personally. I tell myself all the time: she’s his child (well, kind of… he raised her for 8 years), and the children come first. I’ve been lucky she doesn’t seem to hate me the way your boyfriend’s daughter hates you… but I can agree with you: it feels crummy when the man you love says and does things that basically tell you: you’re not that important to me.
I know for fact: if the three of us were stranded in the desert and he only had one water bottle, he’d give her all the water instead of splitting it between us. If the roles were reversed, I’d split the water between my daughter and my partner because he matters to me. I’ve learned to live with this. But I know how bad it feels knowing your feelings and needs don’t matter too much in comparison to his child’s feelings.
Ron, I have never encouraged my partner to shirk his dad duties. He paid his child support, provided a car and money for college all before I even entered the picture. Whenever said daughter called and asked for something, he gave it to her. For the most part this daughter hasn’t been a big part of his life but he still bent over backwards whenever she came around, even though she was rude and disrespectful towards him. She took advantage. He allowed it. I was appalled by it.
I didn’t have my father in my life until I was 34 years old. I never took him for granted the way this child takes her father for granted. I certainly would have never treated him with such abject contempt. I loved him dearly and I miss him everyday.
Kate, I don’t appreciate being called a “monster”. You don’t even know the “child” in question. Sounds like you have your own issues. Were you the child of divorce by chance?
No, none of this is my issues, it’s about you. My parents are happily married 47 years. I have no kids. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I was married and divorced in my 20s but now married again to a guy with no kids. Nice try though.
It astounds me how some are so clearly and so obviously only dating dudes for their money. Buy your own fucking necklaces…
Wow, “deranged bitch”?
Bittergaymark, I just have one thing to say to you.
kiss my ass
Seriously, Suzanna, I don’t know you obviously, but the way you’re presenting yourself here is monstrous and deranged in a way I don’t think I’ve ever seen in a DW poster.
“I know for fact: if the three of us were stranded in the desert and he only had one water bottle, he’d give her all the water instead of splitting it between us. If the roles were reversed, I’d split the water between my daughter and my partner because he matters to me. I’ve learned to live with this.”
Me too.
My 22 year old daughter seems to think this is at good as I’m ever going to get.
Or as she put it, “At your age, you’re lucky to have anybody.”
Ouch.
Thanks B, and I wish you all the best.
Please. Nobody ever has — Or ever will — kiss your sorry ass. Selfish, aging messes aren’t exactly in high demand. Your daughter is right about that…
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