First dates fail – advice needed
- This topic has 49 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 3 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
Your friends also aren’t with you on dates, so remember, they don’t know what you might be saying or projecting that might be different from your profile. And they definitely won’t tell you if you no longer look like your pics.
I remember one time I was pissed off at a guy and wanted to get the hell out of there quick. Actually two times.
One guy had very outdated pics and was much older in person. I felt he deliberately misled people with those pictures.
Another guy was bitter about something we had in common and it was weird.
Friends are generally not reliable sources of information about dating because (a) they usually like you and (b) it’s not worth it to them to risk pissing you off about things you’re doing wrong.
I love visiting the instagram reality subreddit- it’s chock full of people who have so manipulated their photos that they barely look human. A recent one was woman who was in her 50’s and her décolletage and upper arms definitely showed major sun worshipping at some point in her life but her face had been smoothed, photoshopped and blurred and the transition from neck to chest well… if she used that as a dating profile photo the guy would have to be really naive to think she’d actually look like that.
So without actually going on dates with you, it’s hard to say what’s going on. If you’ve had multiple dates bolt quickly, something is likely off with you. I only did that on one date (I thought the guy was obnoxious and immature so I drank my drink quickly knowing the place we were at was about to close and declined his offer to take the date to another spot). Some additional thoughts:
Why would you even assume that you’re “repulsive” because you’re 29? That’s not that old. At 29, you probably don’t look much different than you did at 26. I certainly didn’t. So while I agree that the dating pool changes as you get older, if I had to guess based off what you’ve written here and how you’ve chosen to write it, you’re going on dates and giving off “I’m running out of time” vibes.
Prior to my current relationship, I became single again after an LTR when I was just shy of 28. I got back into the online dating scene later that year and during that time went from a suburb of a fairly big city to living downtown on a major city. Dating felt very different here — there are way more options so yes, it did feel like people treated it like their dates were disposable because there will always be more people to swipe through — and took some getting used to. I also only went on a handful of dates before realizing that I wasn’t able to keep an open mind on dates, I was still kinda messed up from my previous relationship but hadn’t really noticed until I’d jumped back into dating. I definitely giving my dates bad vibes and needed to work on myself, so I mostly didn’t date for about a year. So yes, maybe you just need to get used to dating in a big city, but hopefully you can be honest about how you are behaving on dates that may turn people off.
I noticed improvements in my dating life after I’d spent some time in therapy dealing with my baggage. During that time, I got settled in my new city and created a life I really liked. My dating outcomes improved when I was able to put less pressure on it. At some point around this time I also took advice from this site and upped my age range to include men up to about 40, which had honestly seemed a bit old to me, but the reality turned out to not be weird at all. I met some nice guys and the age gap was never the reason those didn’t work out. Still took a couple years of effort and there were definitely periods I felt frustrated and down on dating (I’d take breaks when I did), but I met my boyfriend of 3+ years that way in my early 30s.
“I’ve been on dates where men leave within an hour and I’m confused by it all.”
Is that really all that short for an initial meet up for coffee or drinks? As many have said, on-line dating is a numbers game. Not to be overly cynical, but your date may have double-booked for the night to be able to initially prescreen more of the women whose profile/pictures interested him, on the theory that the best may not be available for long. .
One thing you don’t mention: how did YOU think the dates were going?
Did you actually feel enough connection with the guy to want to continue seeing him (specifically)? Or, are you looking for a 2nd date because you just feel like you need to be going on 2nd dates because you’re committed to finding a lasting relationship?
You may be getting a string of guys who’ve been doing this longer than you, and are at the point they aren’t going to waste time on extra dates if they don’t feel a specific spark.
You didn’t mention any sparks in your letter, so are you possibly just upset at the abstract idea of not getting a 2nd date, rather than the loss of a 2nd date with any of these particular dudes?
From my experience, dates under an hour were definitely on the shorter side. The one date I mentioned in my response stands out as my worst date, it took us maybe 45 minutes to place our drink orders, drink them, and pay. The better first dates I went on lasted longer, maybe 1.5-2 hours, and usually involved a second round of drinks or sometimes even splitting an app.
Solid insight, Prognosticator. If she isn’t displaying interest, of course they are going to bail and not seek a second date. They don’t want to go on a second date, just to be her practice at going on a second date. When someone self-describes her current approach to dating as ‘cynical’, then it’s probably time to take a break.
I think it’s a good question from Prognostigator, and I’m interested in the answer, but guys who aren’t way out of your league will typically ask you out again if the first date is decent (in my experience online dating, again, 10 years ago now). Ron, I doubt she’s sitting there, arms crossed, showing no interest. But something is making 10 guys in a row take a hard pass after getting all the way to a first meeting. That’s a pattern.
My point, I think this is too long a “string” to be pure chance that she’s meeting only jaded guys who need a huge spark, or that 10 guys in a row felt she wasn’t interested enough. Something is wrong.
yeah, it’s been my experience that men are more likely to keep it going after the first date if they’re reasonably attracted to the person and didn’t have a bad experience. Ten is a lot of dates for pure chance.
Re Prognostigator…quite often with these dates I feel they go… fine. There were two I felt went quite well and was excited about them so messaged them the next day but got no response (ghosting seems very common these dates from what my single friends are telling me). The rest aren’t necessarily bad but I would almost forget about them so I don’t follow up with a message. They don’t follow up either so I’m assuming the feeling is mutual. I shouldn’t really be insulted by this but as it keeps happening it’s hard to be annoyed.
I’ve been described by my exs that I’m very independent and the opposite to ‘full on’.. so I’d be very surprised if I come across as desperate. I always offer to pay and if they insist and like to even split the bill. I quite often wait for the man to message, I suppose due to lack of confidence, but I have messaged a few times when I was particularly interested!
In the last city I lived, I nearly always got asked on second dates, however I usually met them through mutual friends or in bars.. rarely online. I definitely think my experience with dating and watching my friends date is making me quite negative and cynical and this is something I need to work on… because in general I’m a very positive and bubbly person and plus… noone wants to date someone who moody an moany ( I know I don’t!)
I do acknowledge it is somewhat a numbers game. I lived with a guy before who went on 5 dates a week, no joke! He couldn’t even remember their names. Our other housemate was a girl who went on one date every 6 months and would get really excited and put a lot of effort in. I always thought if those two met it would be a recipe for a disaster… ironically they ended up dating for a few months. Something that would not be likely if they had met online.
All in all I feel like giving up after this all.I think I will delete my profile and take sometime to myself and try work on my mentality on the whole thing. It’s just hard but hey I’ve a lot of other things going for me so I’ll focus on them for the time being.
