Friends or Not Friends.. I’m at a loss

Home / Forums / Advice & Chat / Friends or Not Friends.. I’m at a loss

  • Author
  • October 19, 2022 at 8:38 am #1116548

    I have a male friend and things have gotten. Little complicated

    To start with even though he lives abroad we work at the same company.

    I meet him whilst I was also working abroad, we are both single after I moved back to the UK texts sometimes got flirtatious

    Whilst over visiting friends this year, we met up and one thing lead to another, we didn’t do ‘the deed’ but other things, on the clear basis that no feelings would be involved…

    After I came home we carried on being friends and texts hinted that a repeat was on the cards but again no feelings – which we both, well me 100% is the case

    Three weeks ago, he told me he is dating to which I was so happy for him, ‘that’ side of our relationship stopped no questions asked.

    But not just these weeks I have often felt our friendship is one sided (from me) I am the one who keeps in touch because he is hopeless and 50% of the time won’t even reply. I treat him with little gestures and gifts (as I do for all my friends)

    We have plans for a night of catch up (platonic of cause as he is seeing someone) for my birthday next month when I visit again.

    I find out today that after telling me is on annual leave chilling at home abroad, that he has flew back Uk home (we come from the same town) but didn’t tell clearly he cause he didn’t want to see me (usually we meet for dinner)

    It has really broke my heart as it feels cruel to avoid someone like that.

    If he had been honest and say hey I don’t have time… I would have said no matter… seeing you soon anyways!

    It’s the fact he has lied.

    I keep a tight group of friends as I have a fear of rejection after suffering following the loss of my mum and Nan to cancer

    I let him in, but it feels like he just wants our friendship for when I’m doing stuff that benefits him.

    I today decided to block him, but the funny thing is… he won’t even notice

    I would appreciate someone on the outsides view please

    Be nice x

    October 19, 2022 at 11:06 am #1116549

    Ok so the title of this is “friends or not friends.” You’re not friends with this guy. It was super casual flirtation and a physical encounter. To you, “no feelings” meant platonic friendship. For him, it meant a hookup option. Not a friendship. How do you know? He never reaches out and often doesn’t respond. Based on his recent behavior, he will definitely back out of those birthday plans. You should just block him and not look back. There’s nothing there.

    October 19, 2022 at 11:21 am #1116550

    Hi Kate

    Thank you so much for you reply, it’s much appreciated and your right.

    It’s sad cause prior to this flirting starting we had a great friendship for 2 years.


    October 19, 2022 at 12:48 pm #1116553

    During those two years was he dating someone else? Also, given that he’s started dating someone they may have agreed to hold any prior partners at arms length. Overall Kate is right – I’m not sure if you were ever really friends.

    October 19, 2022 at 1:41 pm #1116554

    No, during the two years we were Friends he wasn’t dating.

    I know your both right, sadly. Losing a friend even if he didn’t think of me as a friend is hard for me.

    Avatar photo
    October 19, 2022 at 2:12 pm #1116555

    So I guess it doesn’t really matter to me if you were or weren’t friends or if you thought you were closer than he thought you were. He’s signaling to you now that he’s not interested in continuing on as you were, whatever that may have been. He probably thought that because you don’t live near one another, it would be easier to fade away than to say something directly.

    Anyway, stuff like this does hurt and I’m sorry for that. I think you made the right call in blocking him, though you may not be able to avoid him entirely since you are coworkers.

    Also, it took me until basically my early 30s to understand that rejection (in all forms, not necessarily romantic) can open up old wounds from the past. Should you feel you need it, you can discuss what this is stirring up for you with a therapist.

Reply To:

Friends or Not Friends.. I’m at a loss

Your information: