Friends w/ Children Don't Get Babysitters
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Yeah, you need to expand your friend circle. My husband and I are in our late 30s and have chosen not to have kids, either. And, candidly, we don’t see a lot of our old friends who have had kids without their kids. Maybe a few times a year? When we do things with them, it’s usually with the kids. But we also have a circle of childless friends or those with kids who are in their teens, most of whom we met through work or hobbies, etc. We skew toward the younger end of the age range in the group, but I honestly think I have more in common with my 50 year old working childless friend than I do with my 36 year old friend stay at home mom friend who’s focused on schools, kids’ hobbies, etc. It’s worth it to me to work to keep the friendship, despite our differences, but when I just want to have a dinner party, I focus on the friends without kids.
Hi Lindsay-I don’t think you are asking too much. I think the people who can’t come without the kids should decline your invitation. They choose kids but the last I checked kids are not allowed everywhere or if they are,should have to treat the venue with respect,with parents guiding that.
You seem to be willing to accommodate them and their kids by attending the children’s events etc. They are not returning the courtesy, IMO.
I would pick a restaurant or bar for the next event-book a private dining room or special table for x number of people-adults-that are invited. I would pay for dinner for all of my guests in this situation. Send an invitation,something like this: “Dear Donna and Ron: You are invited to be our guests,at our expense, at XYZ place on xYZ date. This is a seated dinner for x number and we need rsvp numbers for the chef by xyz date. That should make the boundaries clear.
If you don’t like that idea or don’t think it will work-I would just have private,you and your spouse only birthday events-as they are now,they don’t sound like much fun!Its extremely common that parents do NOT respect the lifes of those without children, many think they are very special and just cant understand… its sanctimoneous crap.
Us childfree people are often looked down upon and the only party that is expected to compromise.
If they cant come without kids for the few specific childfree events then they cant come…. the fact that they dont look after their kids when they are at your house sounds very entitled and many parents are entitled brats.
Find some other people to have fun with
Please dont gender segregate these couples we DO live in the 21st century.
Childfree people arent as rare as we use to be.
Plenty of parents that arent rich can and will do fun stuff without kids, its about respect and they dont have to all be able to join a party every time.
Its their choice, they are trying to make it your burden.
@dino – that’s a good point, even among my friends that don’t have kids I don’t get together with big groups often anymore. Definitely not 3-4 times per year. In your 30s you have marriages, relationships, careers, personal hobbies, maybe ailing parents. People are busy. It can be hard enough to coordinate and meet up with just one friend.
I mean, you’re not wrong to want what you want, but your expectations are probably a little high. Based on your age and your description of your friends’ kids (they’re still inviting their own friends to the birthday parties; you’ve spent time changing diapers) I would guess that most of these kids are very young. As everyone has said, sometimes it is hard to find trustworthy sitters that you are willing to leave alone with your infant/toddler, not to mention the expense of that on top of whatever other childcare expenses you have. Like if my husband and I want to go to a movie, we will easily shell out $100 for the tickets and a sitter. How many movies do you think we’ve seen in the last 5 years? We have been trying to plan an adults-only night out with two other couples with kids, and have had to cancel twice now because someone’s kids got sick/someone’s sitter got sick/etc.
It can be hard when things change, but you just can’t expect to be as high a priority for them at this time in life. While I’m sure your friendship is valued by all of these people (and you’ve definitely shown up for them!) they just don’t have as much to give you right now. Keep showing up and inviting them as much as you’re comfortable with, cultivate other friendships, and if you still want them to be in your circle, be patient and forgiving. Life is long and this is all part of the ebb and flow.
It is super rude of them to bring their kids after you’ve made it explicitly clear it’s a no kids event.
Dont come if you can’t/don’t want to get a sitter.
If they’re pulling that shit after you tell them not to bring the kids, there’s really no excuse for that.
Preach, Ele4hant. (The long post on the previous page.)
I always appreciate a thought out response that doesn’t insult a huge portion of the population.
People make different choices. Lindsay, your personal choices have led you not to have children. That’s okay, but the reality is you don’t have as much in common with these friends anymore. It’s really easy to say that your friends that are parents don’t care about you enough, or are assholes because they don’t go out enough…or you could choose to look at it with more forgiveness. They don’t have as much to give right now. You can choose to meet them more than halfway, or cool down these friendships.
(And statistics show us that opting out of children is and has been on the rise since the nineties.)
@Ele4phant, absolutely. I would never dream of bringing my kid to an event that was explicitly kid-free. And we DO police her behavior in other settings, so we much prefer to hire a sitter so we can relax! But we’re only able to do that once every 4-5 weeks.
Its important to have adult time, especially if you are a parent. However, like others have pointed out, children are costly. These parents have to buy bday gifts, Christmas gifts, gifts to other kids bdays, buying new clothes constantly, med bills that accrue, extracurricular activities for their kids, etc……they have a lot going on on top of their bills. Your birthday is on the bottom of totem pole for paying for a babysitter or paying for the whole family go out for dinner. Hell, it would cost a family of 5 to eat at McDonald’s about $30 if not more. Double that to $60 at minimum for a restaurant. Say theirs 6 couples in your group and you celebrate each persons birthday this way then it would cost that family of 5ppl $720 a year to eat out on everyones bday.
I really appreciate everyone’s thoughtfulness and replies to my situation and frustration. I’ll admit this post/rant was a knee-jerk reaction to a series of text messages this morning from the 4 couples w/o a babysitter saying “Yeah, we have to bring the kids! Remember my kid likes XXXX for cake and we’ll see you soon!” and feeling like my feelings on the matter weren’t under consideration when I’ve tried over the last 13 years with the parade of children to be as considerate as possible with time, finances and circumstances. I admire they have families and the time they devote to them. However, as it was suggested, it’s important to have adult time. My husband and I have spent a lot of our time with their kids in multiple capacities and we will be choosing to spend my birthday away from them.
So first of all, yes your friends are being very rude by bringing their children to your home when you say its child-free. They don’t have to come but they can’t just impose their children on your evening.
That said, 3-4 child-free evenings a year is actually a lot. I’ve got a 19 month old and I think we’ve had 3 childfree evenings in her entire life. We frequently split up for outings with friends, i.e. I’ll go and he’ll stay home with the kid or vice versa. You dismiss this as if its worthless, but I think its a bigger deal than you realize. They miss family time and post-kid-bedtime couple time to hang out with you. That’s not nothing.
It seems to me that you resent your friends with kids for having different priorities and not being able to party with you like they used to. I think you need to expand your social circle to include other childfree folks who can show up in the manner you want them to.
I mean, you sound like you are keeping score and feeling bitter. It’s your birthday. And you’re what- in your thirties? It’s just not as big of a deal to them anymore. I think your expectations are too high. They have more responsibilities than you do. That’s just the way things are.
I mean, right around this time of year, while I’m planning for the holidays, child birthdays, presents, trips, snow tires for two cars, and looking at our credit card balance it’s like…no going out and spending a lot on drinks I will regret tomorrow is not on my list of priorities.
There’s nothing personal about that decision.
Have you explicitly texted them, no kids this time? Otherwise maybe they think your silence is permission.
