From My Mail Bag
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I still don’t understand what her question was initially. How do I make him move? How do I force him to move? It was like “Wendy I have a boyfriend who wont move to me” well, there’s nothing you can do really. Just move on and let him be.
I don’t necessarily agree that just because a guy is emotionally unavailable, that means he’s already married or has a girlfriend.
All it means is that he’s not as into the relationship as she is. The whole “He’s just not that into you” thing.
I think it’s a disservice to tell women that they only reason a guy isn’t 100% is because he’s with someone else and she’s the side chick.
How bout it’s just a crappy relationship? How bout he doesn’t return her feelings? How bout he likes her company casually but isn’t interested in more? There’s a lot of other reasons.
I say this as someone who wrote into Wendy years ago because my boyfriend wouldn’t introduce me to his mom. A bunch of people in the comments jumped in saying his “mom” was really his wife. Well, that definitely wasn’t true. He was a shitty boyfriend, but he definitely wasn’t cheating on me. Dude never left his TV and his couch long enough to cheat.
But because I knew 100% that he wasn’t cheating, it made me defensive, hurt, and not as likely to listen to reasonable comments. And I bet that’s how a lot of LWs here feel. They know it’s not infidelity, so they discredit anything else commenters have to say.
Truth was, my bf was just a shitty boyfriend who wasn’t as serious about me as I thought.
This dude may have a wife in France, who knows? But it’s JUST as valid that he’s not into her the same way she’s into him.
The thing that makes this LW so unappealing, both to us and to her long-distance bf is that she thinks her income entitles her to power — both in her relationship with her bf and in dealing with Wendy. It seems common in the financial industry to judge people by how much they earn. Of course a 5-figure guy must move to a 7-figure woman. That’s as natural to a stockbroker’s thinking as dropping a brick and expecting it to fall down.
Salaries in Paris aren’t half those in Australia. Australian stockbrokers are minor leaguers compared to Paris, London, and NYC, but if it pumps LWs ego to believe otherwise, feel free to continue that fairytale as well.
Come on. If you really thought this fairytale romance was supposed to prevail over all, you’d move to the UK (where they speak English!) to work, live with your French boyfriend, take the Chunnel to see his parents every few weeks, visit Australia every Christmas to visit your people, and live happily ever after.
Why hasn’t this solution occurred to you?
Once upon a time there was a pretty and rich princess. She traveled to a far away land. She used a magic wand to arrange for sexy times with a prince. They had a lot of fun. And some more fun. But she had to return to her kingdom. So they each used their magic wands to send messages of love (and probably some naughty stuff) to one another. They loved one another so much, they took a trip where the princess had to travel many many hours and the prince had to travel just a couple of hours. Because of reasons.
When the princess returned from her second trip, the prince didn’t use his magic wand nearly enough. So the princess asked her true wuv to come and live with her in her kingdom. But the prince’s evil parents loved him and didn’t want him to go away. The princess was so sad (but rich!).
So the princess asked a witch for a spell to make the prince realize that he wanted to move away from his home and his family. The witch asked “But if it’s true love, why don’t you move to him?” and the princess said “Because I make more money and I don’t want to leave my home and my parents!” The witch replied “I’m sorry, I don’t have any magic words that will make him leave his home, but if you really think this is love, you should do whatever it takes to be with him, which could mean going to him.”
The princess shrieked at the witch “You’re a bitch! I hate you! Why won’t you just agree with me? Why should I take advice from someone who actually lived this scenario and moved away from her family because she had found someone with whom she found love and companionship?! I’m special!”
So the witch told all of the villagers about her encounter with the princess and the villagers laughed because damn it was highly amusing!
THE END
Yeah, the notion that Australians earn two dollars to every one earned by a Parisian seems rather farfetched…
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But I am mainly chiming in to say that I, too, remain baffled how each and every time some guy seems even vaguely disinterested — the immediate go to of some on here is that he’s married and blah blah blah. Hell, I’ve been in many relationships that just weren’t all that great — and my disinterest in them somehow NEVER stemmed from me being secretly married! Well, at least not that I recall.“But I am mainly chiming in to say that I, too, remain baffled how each and every time some guy seems even vaguely disinterested — the immediate go to of some on here is that he’s married and blah blah blah. Hell, I’ve been in many relationships that just weren’t all that great — and my disinterest in them somehow NEVER stemmed from me being secretly married! Well, at least not that I recall.”
Right- I mean, it seems like he likes her a lot but very reasonably determined that the enormous sacrifices this relationship would entail aren’t worth it. I don’t think that you need some kind of elaborate wrongdoing here. It’s also hard for me to imagine he could take all of these international romance trips without arousing some suspicion if he was already in a relationship.
I don’t think he’s married either. He’s simply not interested in moving 2K miles from home in a land detached from the rest of the world, that’s unbearably hot, unable to work legally, and entirely dependent on someone who will possibly hold that over his head.
He’s probably just realized that, like Ron said, this would be a relationship about power. Imagine moving to her, as sweet as she is, to find out that she would be throwing her money at you, reminding you that you’re lucky because with her salary she shouldn’t be looking at you, 5-figures guy.
I would never have moved to where BF was. It wasn’t a smart decision for him or me. There were three options: he moved to me (which he did), we move somewhere different totally, or we break up. He didn’t even ask, or think to ask me to move to him, because he knew it wasn’t smart to do. Dude’s just not that into the LW. But, she can buy some love probably. Like get a male sugar baby. He’ll go wherever.
