How to decide if you want kids
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Yay, an excuse to post one of my favorite Dear Sugar pieces of all time:
I just want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond. While I can’t respond to everyone, I am reading each response (more than once!). This is really really helpful.
One thing to think about is whether you have a strong, preconceived idea about who your child would be or are you willing to take and love whoever your child turns out to be? Could you love and nurture a child regardless of how different they might be from yourself? If you had a vision of them playing piano and they only wanted to play football or vice versa would you be okay with that? If you are an introvert and they were an extrovert could you handle it? If you were into athletics and they wanted to do dance, drawing and drama could you handle it or would you be disappointed? If they turn out to be a fussy, irritable baby would you resent them? Could you let them live their own life or would you always be trying to control everything in their life to make it perfect?
I think it is important to know that you have no control over who you get as your child and to be accepting of them as they are and not try to turn them into a mini version of yourself.
I think you also need to think about them as not just a baby but a person who will go through many varied stages from birth to adulthood. The baby phase is intense but brief.
I don’t comment much anymore, but your story, freckles, resonated a lot with me. I was somewhat ambivalent until I met my husband and we started trying immediately after getting married since I knew I had fertility issues. We then switched to pursuing adoption and it fell through at the last moment and I had the heart wrenching trip of flying home alone. And then, we stopped trying (I’m on birth control now). I’m getting to the point where I don’t think I want kids anymore. And my husband is feeling similarly (he teaches kids and that’s exhausting for him). We’ve focused on building our life together and being selfish to see if we’re missing out or we’re enjoying our life together too much to change anything. Since I’ve known about my fertility issues for years, I do think that has been a motivating factor in saying I’ve never wanted kids (until I met my husband), and I think that’s a protective mechanism—I’m still trying to find out how true that is for me. We’re still young, but my husband has serious medical challenges that’s another checkmark in the no-kids column, so sometimes it feels like time is ticking away. Honestly, we communicate about it a lot, and take it day by day.
I don’t think I would pursue adoption again, and I would probably only want to do light fertility treatments, which limits my options. Maybe again, I’m psyching myself out to be in the no-kids category since it feels like so much is against us. I’m also someone that doesn’t particularly enjoy other people’s kids, so I don’t think spending more time with them would help me come to a decision. I know for sure I would love my own kids…but I also dislike all the kid stages until adults. I would be a great parent, but at what cost to my own happiness? And my marriage? Sometimes, I think the open honesty and dialogue among parents now versus previous generations makes me never want to have kids. But I still certainly appreciate all the open conversation bout it.
@Mylaray, I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. That sounds really tough :\ You and your husband sound a lot like us, I agree. We’re still going through testing and follow ups, but I think if it came down to needing donor sperm or adoption, we wouldn’t go through with that. And I also think Mr Freckles wouldn’t want to go through heavy fertility treatments either (some of what they do to extract sperm really squidges him out, understandably!). So we would probably stick to the ‘light fertility’ treatments too if that were an option and we decided we wanted to go for it.
I think there’s a small piece of me that’s hoping we can’t have our own kids, because then the decision will be made and we can move on with our lives and get out of limbo. We won’t ever worry whether we made the wrong decision, because that decision was made for us and there’s no going back (with the assumption that donor sperm or adoption are not for us).
I had a coworker today tell me she was pregnant, and I’m in such a crabby mood right now. I’m still super sad and jealous whenever people tell me they’re pregnant. I had a college friend text our group a month or so ago to tell us she was pregnant. I finally de-activated my facebook and instagram because I couldn’t take all the baby pictures anymore. And I have a friend and her husband and baby coming up soon to visit with me, Mr Freckles, and our other friend who has a baby. And I’ll be honest, I am dreading it. I love these two friends to pieces, and I miss our girls nights. But hanging out with them and their babies? I think it will be hard for me, and I’m afraid of all the talk about babies. They both know (to different degrees) we’ve been struggling, but it would be impossible for them to NOT talk about their kids all weekend. And I totally get that. But that doesn’t mean I want to be around it right now.
Also, I am PMSing right now, so my hormones are in full gear. I just poured myself a big ass glass of wine. Hopefully that will make me feel better 😛
@Lianne, thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry about your miscarriages, I can’t imagine how hard that was. But I’m so glad you have your son now!
Thank you for your perspective. That’s really what I think makes me hesitate the most. The total joy parents talk about when they talk about their kids. And how it’s a feeling you can’t understand until you’ve been there.
@FannyBrice, thank you so much for your story! That’s kind of how I picture my childfree life. Living in a cool interesting place where we can go out to dinner or see a show or walk around, and where people want to visit us. Meeting up with friends for dinner at a moments notice. Having a glass of wine at a cool bar at noon on a Saturday. Maybe have a place near the water that we could only afford if we don’t have kids. Traveling to a ton of cool places, sometimes for longer periods of time. Taking a few months (or year!) and traveling the world. Having enough time to take those classes and pick up hobbies (I don’t really have any hobbies now, but I want to change that!) Also retiring early is very very appealing to Mr Freckles and myself!
I guess I haven’t mentioned this point of it yet, but the money aspect is pretty big in our minds. We’d both love to have enough money to do all those things I mentioned above, and kids are so expensive! I live in a major city, and the daycare costs alone here are horrendous.
I don’t know that this is a decision you can 100% rationally think your way through – maybe try clearing your head a bit, back off from intellectualizing both options, see what comes to you.
I think you’re completely right here. I do need to step back and clear my head I think. I’ve been thinking about this non stop, and it’s making me miserable.
ps no sex on the kitchen floor for us either 😉 although our problem is we have no blinds in there… hi neighbors!
We are married and 42. We met at 33, married at 35. Neither of us really WANTED kids, though we also weren’t actively opposed to it. Fast forward to when we were 39 and had a LOT of conversations over 2 years wondering if we were making the right decision. Because time was ticking, obviously. We were happy in our life, but it was kind of “this is the last shot” – are we absolutely sure? The baby stage never worried either of us. So, they cry for a few months and you get no sleep. Whatever. It’s the school age time that sends me into a blind panic. Vacations are limited to the school schedule. Homework. Birthday parties. Music or sports or dance or whatever outside activities the kid is into. It’s your whole entire life forever and ever. Because I don’t think you ever stop being a parent. I know our parents don’t stop worrying about us just because we are capable adults. And THAT was really off putting to us. At 40, we knew what we’d be giving up to have kids. And we knew what we wanted our life to look like just a mere 10 years from then. And parenting was not it. We are super happy to be an aunt and uncle and be the place the kids want to run away to when their parents are driving them crazy. And host summer camp every year. And buy them awesome presents and take them to the theatre. And then go home to our clean house and open a bottle of wine and sleep late and go on vacation when it’s cheaper to wherever we want to go, and take classes for OURSELVES. When we realized we were trying to intellectualize the entire decision, that was a red flag. And when we realized that we were attempting to justify the decision, not to other people, but to ourselves, we suddenly got clarity. And are happier for it. I think you are right to take some space. Sometimes we get so caught up in the path we are on, we forget to reevaluate. Kudos to you. You’ll make the right decision!
I haven’t read through all the comments, so please excuse me if i am repeating what others are saying. I have 2 kids and it is difficult at time, but I love it. I am actually debating whether or not to have a 3rd. I think it will be difficult for 5 years or so, but it will be easier as they get older. But mostly I am leaning towards having 3 since I think I will regret it if i don’t at least try.
If you think you will have any regrets about not having kids, then I would lean towards having children. I don’t think you will ever regret having a child. Plus, when I look at the kind of family I want to have as I get older, I see a lot of people and grand kids. I want a full house at Christmas with a lot of noise, but that is just me.
I feel like I didn’t know what love was, true love, until I had my child. Nothing will surpass that feeling. Yes, soccer practice sucks, but seeing them kick the ball and be good at something is awesome. You can parent any way you want. I have the nanny do a lot of shit that I don’t enjoy doing.
Yeah, my friend who plans on having kids said she went to a panel event where female CEOs were taking questions. Someone asked about how on earth you get to that level with kids, and they were like, “nanny.” I think anyone famous for sure has nannies, and they make it look easier than it is. The working parent thing has become such a freaking racket in my opinion. Way harder than it was in the 80s and 90s and so much more expensive.
To be fair, some people do regret having children. For some, it’s extreme. For others, it’s a realization that they never got to do the other things they want to do. Of course, the regret looks different because most people still love their child very much, even if they would do it differently if they went back in time.
