Husband is on Grindr
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I just opened the link. It’s funny) Why I was so stupid and didn’t run away that one time when I took his phone from him and he snatched it away from me. I wish I had a real proof like saw him chatting or pictures. Right now he is just not taking me seriously. He knows that I didn’t see anything and he is not scared.
You and your husband both know what you found on his phone. That is the only thing that matters.
It doesn’t matter if he is scared or not. It doesn’t matter what he is feeling. You don’t have to walk in on him in bed with another dude to know what you saw and what it meant, and for this marriage to be over. He will claim the divorce is your fault. So what? You’re going to stay with a closeted, drug addicted Asshole to avoid him telling people not nice things about you? If you do not have a job, get one. If you do not have your own bank account, get one. Can you ask your family for financial help? Surely you’ve told them what’s going on and they want you out of this sham marriage? Look into people who are looking for roommates in your area, or who want to rent out a room to you and your son. Look into any local charities or groups that help women, they may have leads on housing or ways to help you. Consult with a lawyer, most have free initial consultations. And seriously Get Tested, make an appointment with your ob/gyn and tell her your husband has been cheating and doing drugs and you need a complete check up.
Ummm, you saw he has an account on Grindr. You found a baggie of cocaine.
What more do you need?
Be a GOOD parent and bring your son up in a home with no bags of cocaine in it.
He won’t say bad things about you. You have too much on him, even without what you regard as solid proof. Tell him that if he says anything about you apart from the two of you just drifted apart, both of your faults, the marriage just wasn’t meant to be, that you will tell that you found the cocaine bag and the Grindr site. He knows people will think about that and see an element of truth. He is in no position to slander you. He certainly couldn’t pass a drug test and people will recall other things suggesting that he is closeted and used you for a sham marriage. Get support, at least for a transitional period. Talk to a lawyer and social agencies and get a job. You say he isn’t scared. He’s terrified. Tell him you have zero desire to hurt him, but will not tolerate his telling false stories about you. He’ll play nice. He really doesn’t have a choice, unless he is brave enough to be bold, shrug it off and come out of the closet, but then what force will his comments about you have, especially with the cocaine?
How did you know the empty bags were cocaine? Forgive my ignorance, but is there some way of telling what was it them previously just by sight? Did finding the bags correspond with any behaviour change in him? Couldn’t you tell he was on drugs before?
Go speak with a lawyer. He can say whatever he wants to his people. You can say whatever you want to yours. The truth is the truth no matter how inconvenient to either of you. What is important is that no one say anything to your child or around your child. That your child is safe and cared for. So focus on that for now. I’m sorry he blew up your world. But now your job is to protect your kid and build the best life possible for the two of you.
He admitted it was cocaine and I could see the white powder in the bag. When he did cocaine he came home at 5-6 am and he definitely looked weird so I decided to search his car and I found it. But he told me he only did it couple times which I don’t believe. He had drugs problem before.
When I heard my boyfriend was on Tindr, I made a fake profile, used the location and age settings to narrow down the search, and spent 2 hours flicking through profiles carefully until I found his. Sure, I am “crazy”. 🙂 Well he couldn’t gaslight me when I had screenshots of his profile….dont know how Grinder works but maybe you could do the same thing.
And for the photos he deleted off of your device, take it into the store or call the tech hotline for your phone and have them show you where those “deleted” pics are. They are still there unless you manually hooked your phone up to your computer and wiped it, the date is in a reserve dump folder. 😉 This will help your divorce case.
Don’t be scared, you can do this. Womens shelters are not bad, I have had to stay in one, or perhaps you could stay in a friends home for a short time, maybe a mom of your sons friends, ask the school counselor. Its not dignified to ask for help sure, but look at the alternative option. Many shelters offer not only to pay some bills but to help you find a job, help hide you from your ex if you want that, help with moving you to another place if you want, can hook you up with a “pay later” lawyer. You need to go before your son gets aware of whats going on, call it an “adventure” and be brave and do it. Best of luck.
CHEATER! There are no other options. You are just grasping for straws. So do what you feel is best for you knowing that. Good luck!
One of my friends had this happen to her. She was quite a bit older (50’s) at the time. They had been married for 20+ years. They had two teenage kids that grew up with my older daughter. (Same godparent) Her husband’s mother died and the second she was gone he went buck wild. He was literally attempting to f anything that moved that didn’t beat him off with a stick male, female whatever warm body.(and he was drinking heavily, probably doing drugs too, I wouldn’t be surprised) She figured out that he had a profile on a mfm site, so she posed as another male in the area and according to her, her husband responded in like 1 minute. That was all the proof she needed.
I think that is exactly what you should do.
Stop being scared and do what you have to do.
Put your stuff in storage, get a P.O. box and have all your mail sent there and move into a local weekly motel until you sort it out. There are social services that can help you.
If he is bad with money and buying drugs you probably pay most of the bills anyway and if your place is so expensive, renting a one room weekly place with kitchenette will probably be cheaper. It is still summer, so your kid isn’t in school, right?
To avoid confrontation move stuff into storage a little at a time while he is gone. Then when you have all the important stuff, take off. You can come back for the bigger things later with a police escort. I don’t trust this guy and cocaine can make people more violent.
You CAN do this.
I second the shelter thing too. Many of them will help get you into an affordable apartment. You will be scared at first, but once you get away from this f’ed up situation you will feel super liberated. Don’t wait for the situation to get worse…I guarantee you it will.
My situation is more difficult than it seems. I can’t just leave the house because it’s under my name, I have To find the place first and then give 30 days notice and make sure that he will move out too. I can’t afford to ruin my credit history. I don’t have money to move right now so I’m stuck. I asked him for help he said he will but he always lies. Also, I need to move before the school starts so my son can go to a new school right away. It’s going to be so much stress for my son I have a feeling he will blame me.
