I am beyond Jealous of my perfect sister
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I can’t even imagine a parent being like, “well my other child is pretty much perfect, but you’re not so bad, Quasimodo.” That just sounds really, really fucked up. And if your parents took your teacher to task, even more reason he should have known better. Your dad is a jerk.
Jealousy is a killer. How much do you talk about this in therapy? Why do I feel like you haven’t much?
I have actually talked extensively about my sister in therapy and everyone comparing us. It’s one of the big reasons I started therapy in the first place. This is part of the reason I wanted her to go to one session with me because my therapist kept making comments that made me believe she really did not believe me when I described my sister and the reasons I am jealous of her. My sister has always been supportive of me and always apologizes when family compares us but even she has said some things, trying to be helpful, that have unintentionally hurt me. For example when I told her I feel like she has everything, she responded that she was jealous of me because I’ve never had people think I’m a bimbo because of looks or have guys only want me so they can show off to their friends or as a trophy on their arm, or have professors accuse me of cheating because they think there is no way I could pass tests or get a high score, or I never have to worry about people thinking I somehow slept my way into medical school or am performing sexual favors in order to maintain grades. I know she meant this to be supportive and try to help me see things I have that she doesn’t or things she has to worry about and I don’t but it just made me feel like she was saying because I don’t have her looks, I never have to worry about people thinking I’m stupid like she does.
I have a sister and we’re both attractive, and we’ve never been competitive. We are two different people. There are room for two. There are years between us. She’s younger. She’s wealthier and owns a nicer house, and I’m happy for her. My brother is 1.5 older than me and we weren’t competitive like this. I didn’t have a going tally of who had the best grades, most friends, most success. I expect your obsession with your sister is a huge part of your unhappiness. You can change that. You can’t go through your life comparing- you will never, ever be happy.
I don’t understand why you have these feelings or how to deal with them. I’m sorry. Obviously, your therapist sucks. And your parents aren’t really very sensitive, are they? You should try a new therapist and specifically bring this issue up as your reason for going. Ask for coping skills to deal with your jealousy. You life doesn’t have to exist in the shadow of your sister’s unless you let it. My sister is my best friend. I truly hope you can overcome your feelings and stop comparing you two. Maybe a move is the best way for you to build a life outside her, until you can- dump the crap therapist and start spending more time focusing on your life and studies.
I never used to compare myself until I got to high school and that’s when the comparisons really started. Now that we are older, my family is constantly comparing us and makes comments about how much more successful she is than me. My parents are surprisingly the most sensitive. My grandma has legit said to me verbatim “your sister was my first grandchild and her and I have just always had a bond I’ve never had with any of the other grandchildren. She was just born special and she’s so smart and beautiful. You really need to look at her for inspiration because you have not accomplished half the things she has when she was your age. She will be graduating med school by 26 and You’re still living at home.” This was last thanksgiving. Aunts and uncles have also said similar things. “Doesn’t it make you feel like your aren’t doing much with your life? I mean your sister is in school to be a Heart surgeon and what are you doing?” I wish I was making this stuff up.
I feel this way because at least 2-3x a week, I am reminded by family and people who know me and my sister how great, smart, pretty, etc she is. I do not harbor any ill feelings towards my sister and I am not naturally competitive with her nor do I wish to live her life and I am extremely happy and proud of her, but it is hard not to have feelings of jealousy when you are quite literally constantly reminded of how much better someone is than you. I am trying to save up money so I can move but that’s just not an option for me right now unfortunately
I guess I don’t understand why it would hurt your feelings when your sister says people assume she can’t be bright and pretty. That’s how she feels and it’s just as valid as how you feel. It does suck to be underestimated and to have to work harder to be taken seriously. I don’t know why you think this is a reflection on you or your looks. And as far as appearances go, people can do a lot to make themselves look nice. Flattering clothes, a good hair cut/color, maybe a little makeup… plenty of average people walk around looking and feeling good when they learn what works for them. Not to mention, beauty is subjective and looks fade.
And yes, your therapist sounds really bad. I don’t think you need to move (unless you want to). I think you need higher self esteem and better confidence. It’d be easier to drown out the noise with both.
I also forgot to mention when my sister graduated high school, my grandparents took her to Italy for a week. When I graduated high school, they gave me a card with $50 in it and said “congrats”. When my parents mentioned the obvious favoritism to them about my grandma responded something similar to “I mean *Chloe* (my sister) was Valedictorian and got not one but two full scholarships. *Jess* (me) just skated by. I thought Chloe deserved something very special for her hard work.” She even messaged me and told me she was sorry I was upset about not taking me on a trip but by sister had worked really hard and deserved a break.
I am not trying to sound ungrateful by any means. Nor did I expect a fancy trip or anything. But just stuff like that and the obvious favoritism has always hurt. Even my sister has apologized to me on my family’s behalf, particularly my grandparents, favoritism towards her. It got so bad when I was younger that my parents had to tell our grandma if she was not going to buy us both gifts or gifts that were equal, to not buy either of us anything at all. My grandma would buy my sister expensive gifts and would gift me and my cousin a packet of socks. I am being dead serious. I am not trying to sound petty at all but I’ve dealt with stuff like this for a lifetime now and it feels like I cannot escape it.I also wanted to add that I know none of this is my sisters fault at all. She cannot help her looks, smarts, athleticism, or what people say or do. I am not blaming her but not is hard not to be jealous or even resentful some times when you have been compared to someone your whole life and always told you are not on their level. I do love my sister dearly but it can be hard not to have these feelings
1. You need a new therapist. Stat. You should have started looking for a new therapist the second your current one didn’t take you seriously. They are completely unprofessional. Since you live in a small town, you’re probably better off finding an on-line therapist.
2. Your grandma is an asshole. Don’t take what she says/does personally. She’s apparently treating cousins the same way she treats you, so it’s not really a slight against you. She’s slighting everyone who isn’t your sister. I have some experience with this. As the oldest grandchild on my dad’s side, my paternal grandparents slightly favored me. They used to take me out of school for shopping trips and lunch. They didn’t do that with my sisters or cousins. They’d make comments about weight to the others too. I’m naturally thin, like my grandma, and so I didn’t have to deal with that. I quickly learned how wrong they were and distanced myself. On my mom’s side, everyone favored my cousin, the oldest grandchild. She had natural charisma. Shit happens.
3. Your sister is an ally. She has her own struggles that she was trying to tell you about, but you dismissed. I absolutely understand you have it hard and the comments are tiresome, but don’t take that out on your sister. Everyone has struggles, even smart, athletic, beautiful people.
4. NEW THERAPIST to help unpack everything. Also, agree with others and move as soon as you can. Until then, everyone had good advice. Instead of coming back and listing more slights, maybe try engaging in dialog that could help you, which people are trying to do. If you want to vent, that’s fine, but people are sincerely trying to help.
YOUR GRANDMOTHER IS AN ASSHOLE. Seriously your grandmother is an absolute asshole. My grandmother had favorites and she didn’t treat us equally but she wasn’t a total asshole. One nice thing about NOT being the favorite: I didn’t give a flying fuck if I disappointed her. Somehow I took her nonsense as nonsense and would just laugh in her face (like when she told me that I should “go to some lonely hearts club dances because the men there aren’t very picky”). Amazingly because I stood up to her, she liked me more.
I suppose you can try looking at your grandmother with pity and just remind her that death is coming for her. Ask her how many funerals she attends in a month and ask if she has any friends left? Tell her you’re saving up to move out but depending on timing you might use that money to hire a marching band for her funeral. Basically every time she reminds you that you aren’t her favorite – agree with her and acknowledge that she isn’t your favorite grandparent either.
Over time you’re you and your sister are going to build your own circles of adult friends and you don’t have to overlap. You don’t have to share your world with your sister.
My paternal grandma also favored her oldest grandchild. She was never a jerk about it, though, and the rest of us grandkids would make jokes about how he was the prince of the family.
Your grandma sounds like a jerk, but if she really told your parents that you didn’t get a trip because you merely skated by, IDK why they relayed that to you. What your aunt said to you was also inappropriate (not to mention kinda dumb since most 21-year-olds are very much still finding themselves and making plenty of mistakes in the process). You can distance yourself from family. I have done so myself (albeit for very different reasons) and it’s amazing what a little space can do.
I’m not sure what else to say, except distance and therapy with someone new. I’m not sure rehashing all the grievances is helpful. The resentment will keep building that way. Therapy can help you break the thought patterns you’re currently struggling with.
Is there *anything* about yourself/your life that you like and/or think you’re good at and/or enjoy?
I continue to think your family’s behavior, including your parents’, is toxic. Are they bad people? No. Are they extremely misguided in their communication and not realizing how it’s messing you up? Yes! They seem to be letting materialistic priorities guide how they value people. Looks and material success. They don’t even seem to realize that there are other qualities that make a person wonderful and valuable. They certainly can’t seem to recognize or articulate anything beyond looks and success. They really do seem to think someone who had more of these conventional qualities is worth more than someone with less. Which isn’t true. And unfortunately you believe it. And maybe you’re going to get in a pattern of dating people who also believe this crap and will see your sister as superior. A good therapist can help you through this stuff.
Your sister was trying to get through to you about why being conventionally attractive and successful doesn’t make you or your life better than someone else’s, but you weren’t hearing it because you’ve been conditioned to the idea that she’s perfect and better.
@Kate makes great points. Society treats people differently if they are beautiful. I’m reminded of Jon Hamm’s story arc on 30Rock.
There is more to life than looks and brains – it’s just that your family doesn’t value any of that stuff.
Start experimenting with things that interest you. Think of the few things you’ve tried because it was something your sister did. Think of all the things you haven’t tried yet. No go try them. You don’t have to be good at it, but if you enjoy it, and you keep doing it, you will get better.
