Love After Cheating
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Also, and this won’t matter I imagine, but actually we’re both lesbian women. Not that it matters. I just now realized I think most everyone assumed she had cheated on me with a guy.
Open relationships can work if that is what both partners want AND the agreement is made before one of them cheats, not when it is proposed as a way to keep cheating, but selling that as not really cheating. If you also are interested in sex with other women, then go for it, but you never said that was what you wanted.
I don’t think it matters if you’re in a same sex relationship. Please stop listening to her insults/negging you and taking it to heart.
No “we” don’t need therapy. YOU need therapy. Otherwise you’re bound to again be manipulated easily by her or someone else. You have a problem with your self esteem.
She’s making you feel bad so that she doesn’t have to worry about you leaving (despite her horrible behavior) because you’ll feel like you’re not good enough for anyone. It’s a common tactic of a controlling partners. Your self worth is on the floor if you’re still trying to stay with this person. I doubt she thinks you’re bad in bed. She’s deflecting the heat off her and on to you. And it’s working. Dump her
“I guess I’m scared that what if I am just not good at sex?”
See how she’s mind-f0cked you already? She is going to keep on wrecking your self-worth. Get out now. Not “soon.” Now. And go read ChumpLady.com.
I’m usually the one around here who is like “yeah, an open relationship could work” but fuck that idea in this situation.
She’s basically told you that it’s your fault she cheated because you aren’t good enough at sex. That’s some psychological jiu-jitsu there turning what she did around on you.
An open relationship can work but it has to be started from a place of honesty. The time to have the “hey, I love you and want to stay in this relationship but need additional sex” conversation is before cheating happen. It requires consenting partners and you didn’t consent from the start.
You deserve better than this. Unless there are serious entanglements like children and property, it doesn’t seem like this is a relationship worth saving.
Wow. Your (hopefully ex) girlfriend is truly awful.
The “I’m only hurting you because YOU’RE making me” is directly from the abusers’ playbook. Blaming you for their own terrible behavior is a second abuse, because (as we see in this thread) it is causing a wave of self-doubt to get you to the point where you wonder if you actually DO deserve the abuse.
You don’t.
Open relationships are a non-sequitur. That’s not what this conversation is even about. The time for that conversation would have been before. Now, it’s just an easy rationalization as to why you should feel off-guard so that you continue to blame yourself when (not if) she acts terribly again in the future.
Run (don’t walk) away!
