Major Problem @Work…Please Help
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Great advice anonymousse (and Aunt Linda) and yes, I plan to begin dating after getting out of a long-term relationship. I just haven’t been ready and that has probably made me a vulnerable target to something I shouldn’t get caught up in. The key takeayways from you and other kind posters are taken loud and clear. I appreciate your refreshing perspective.
“We basically act like a couple of nervous, love-struck teenagers. But there is still NO flirting and never has been. But the sexual tension is always so thick, you can cut it with a knife. It’s so sad and painful. And I not only have to work with this guy, I have to work FOR this guy”
“Can anyone give me any insight into where you think his mind is at with all of this? What is he up to and why did all of this recently start after being around each other for years and years? Do you think he loves me or simply lusts after me? And if you were me, what would you do about this? I am limited to how much I can avoid being around him as you can imagine, and it would be career suicide for me to confront him about any of this, And yes, the feelings are mutual.”
LW — these quotes are from your original post. The question “Do you think he loves me or simply lusts after me?” is not a question a woman asks of her boss unless she actively intends to go after him and break up his family, if the answer is that he loves her. What possible other reason is there to ask this question. If this were just an inappropriate crush you wanted advice on getting over and forgetting, you don’t ask the above question.
As to the first quote I listed: if the sexual tension between you and your boss at work always is so thick you can cut it with a knife, then there is a 100% certainty that virtually everyone at work is aware of the situation and that both of your jobs are in jeopardy. That they aren’t very strongly suggests that all of this is a fantasy in your brain. To answer your specific question — he doesn’t love you, he also isn’t lusting after you. In a romantic sense, he likely doesn’t give a crap about you.
As to specific advice: see a therapist. Do it right away. You have problems. If you don’t address your problems, you will certainly lose your job. You also should be looking for a new job. You should have been doing that yesterday.
Wow. I did get some good advice from some of you (for which I am highly appreciative), but many of you are just downright hateful and come off as very bitter. I regret coming here for “advice” when what I have largely been granted has been:
1) ridicule;
2) condescension;
3) being told I must be completely imagining things I have personally experienced, and from someone I know from a behavioral standpoint extremely well;
4) being told that due to my highly structured and detailed narrative that my “story” MUST be a “juvenile fantasy” (I am a researcher/writer by trade and that’s just How. I. Write, btw);
5) being told that I need professional help; and
6) being told that I am a “home-wrecker.”Thanks for all of that and good luck to all of you in your lives and relationships (I say that with sincere intent). I mean no ill-will, but I doubt many of you attacking me *with full guns blazing* are perfect souls that have never struggled with a professional or moral dilemma. I guess I am better off speaking with someone who knows me about all of this and thus, won’t be so quick to judge or presume.
Best of luck to you all.
I didn’t mean carefully constructed as in, written like a researcher. I meant it as in, this is a full-blown narrative story, complete with interjections like, “no, not that kind of fun! Get your minds out of the gutter, people!” You’re very invested in the story, but that story is just something that exists in your head. It’s YOUR reality right now. But it can be reconstructed and changed. It’s not objective reality. I don’t mean that in the sense of, you’re imagining everything, none of that actually happened. I mean it in the sense that you can use data points to tell a number of different stories. I’m a researcher too, and it’s my job to tell a story to the client. I could take the same data points and spin them lots of different ways, but that would be irresponsible. I have to tell them the story that will guide them to the best business decisions. You need to tell yourself the story that will guide YOU to make the best decisions for your career, and this one isn’t it.
D_J- There is a giddiness in your first description which doesn’t match the way you want to feel. Even if your boss’s boss IS giving you signals, one way to combat the attraction is to push back on that giddiness.
Perhaps that comes off too much like shaming to be useful for you. Maybe with you just getting out of a real long term relationship you don’t need internal scolding. You probably have a solid grip on having to emotionally detach yourself.
Maybe you just wanted to vent a little? Because your boss’s stare brought on feelings that were both comforting and uncomfortable? It happens. Take a deep breath and branch out for awhile when you share mutual space with him and find a co-worker to triangulate conversation.
This man is not shy. He would not be your boss’ boss’ boss if he were shy. At all. He is cautious. He is smart.
You have developed a good working relationship. You are adding layers of sexual tension and innuendo that may or may not exist.
What you know:
He hasn’t pursued you to date
You don’t know of anyone else he’s pursued at work
He’s not stupidThus, he’s either not interested in you or not interested in ruining his career for you. You’re old enough to not let your emotions run your professional life. Use more email. Work remotely. Imagine that he leaves skidmarks in his undies. Whatever works to rid you of a crush.
And if you feel you need to leave the company, so be it. You could probably get 13-20% increase by leaving. Not only that but it would seem that opportunities passed you by at your current company if a peer with whom you started was able to leapfrog to move 3 spots higher on the chart. Maybe it’s talent, maybe it’s something else, only you know.
I think what people are reacting to here is the dissonance between the questions you’re asking, which mainly revolve around what he’s thinking, and your statement that you’re just looking for advice on how to deal with the situation.
I believe you when you say you know this is wrong and you’re not trying to get involved with a married man, but you write like someone who wants him to make a move so you can feel as if you’re being passively swept along by feelings you’re powerless to resist. I also think that if you really wanted to get over your crush, you’re asking the wrong questions. It doesn’t matter whether he loves or lusts for you, and you don’t need to know “what you’re up against” to deal with this. Strangers on the internet can’t possibly tell you what’s inside his head – arguing over whether this is real or imagined is futile – so I think that writing this post was just another way for you to feed your obsession. To be honest, it sounds like this is a way for you to distract yourself from the painful/uncomfortable emotions associated with your recent breakup.
Normally, people get over crushes by reducing time spent together, consciously redirecting their thoughts whenever they find themselves thinking about that person, and immersing themselves in hobbies, friends, etc. If you’re incapable of shutting down your crush by yourself, I agree that therapy would be very helpful.
Agree with above. You write this romance novel then when people say “hey this isn’t right” you validate how no no no you would never. If you want advice you give the full truth the first time. You may be telling yourself the right thing but your letter does not indicate that.
@D_J I totally understand what you are going through. I have a somewhat similar story: I came out of an extremely difficult breakup last year and six months later started at a new company where I met a really cute guy. The difference was that we were peers, he was in a totally different department, and he was single. After about six months of definite, like there’s no question it was, flirting, we went out to dinner. We had a great time. We talked about going out again but it never materialized. I wanted to be very careful about my career and my reputation at my new company, so I actively disengaged when I realized he wasn’t picking up the ball or giving me any indication that his interest matched mine. So I faded out. I only responded when he messaged me, only really talked about work, didn’t go out of my way to seek him out even though I had every opportunity to do so. Then my department moved to another building and I rarely see him. I have moved on and presumably so has he. We still talk warmly when we see each other but there is no more of the constant flirting that there had been. Am I disappointed? Yeah, a little. But honestly, that flirtation helped me move past my ex, who I really missed, and now I can move forward and try to date men outside of work.
I get that this would be much more difficult because it’s your boss’s boss and you work together closely, but this man is married. He’s MARRIED. You have to shut it down. A married coworker, particularly a married boss, is totally off limits. My advice is to distance yourself emotionally, which you can do while still working closely. No more furtive glances. Only talk about work; avoid getting super personal. Seek activities and hobbies and friends outside of work that you can talk about instead. This kind of thing also happens when you’re not fulfilled in other areas of your life. Even if he wasn’t married it would still be unprofessional because you’re in his reporting structure, but those two things combined make it entirely inappropriate. The single women I know in their 40s have lots of male interest; I’m sure you can find someone else to occupy your thoughts. Best of luck to you. 🙂
It’s very easy to get caught up in these workplace crushes, I get it. I’ve felt it. Probably a lot of us have. And that’s certainly the impression you gave in your first post. By “carefully constructed,” people mean that the post was written up like a treatment for a Lifetime movie about “Forbidden Love in the Executive Suite!” Drama! Sexual Tension! More Drama!
So, OK, you want this guy. And you know you shouldn’t pursue him. That’s not a major problem. If you two were banging in his office after hours, *that* would be a major problem. Your decision has already been made, so the problem is over. As I said, you just treat him like any other coworker, and be careful not to respond to any flirty behavior, and it’ll all go away very quickly.
By the way, here’s something that should cool your ardor: if you think you’re getting shamed here, wait till you see what happens when your coworkers notice that you and the boss’s boss’s boss are getting flirty. The sad reality of corporate life is that he’ll be high-fived, and people will say really not-nice things about you behind your back. And that label will stick with you for as long as you work there.
If things are as you describe in your first post, people may already be noticing. We had our share of affairs and near-affairs at my company, and they always thought nobody knew. Everybody knew.
The most recent posters make a lot of sense. The LW asked the inappropriate question: does he love me or just lust for me? Likely answer: no and no. The correct question, although again it doesn’t help solve her problem at all: does he want me as a platonic friend at work and does he find me to be an interesting person? Answer: probably yes and yes.
This invented potential for a hot affair, sparked by no more than totally appropriate friendly conversation and one locking of stares, is likely a part of her brain protecting her from dating before she was ready to date after her break-up. It wasn’t real, but it satisfied her romantic yearning.
Sounds like that time has past and she is ready to put this made-up romance behind her and begin dating. Recognize that a big thing which made this guy so appealing and a suitable choice for her brain to keep her on the shelf for a while was his obvious total unavailability. He was safe. He never flirted, never crossed any line, was interested as a friend but never tried to push beyond that. This is akin to pre-teens/tweens who were totally emotionally fixated on John Lennon or Justin Bieber. It is a direction of romantic/sexual developing urges in a totally safe direction. It is totally a self-made fantasy.
So…another researcher here. One thing that struck me about your account is that you provided lots of detail in your account…but for the evidence of his reciprocatation. If I’m reading this – he stares at you, you’ve developed a good working relationship, and he will set next to you at meetings and work events.
None of this is definitive or objective proof of his interest. You are adding your own interpretation…one that supports your narrative.
He looks at you? Well that happens when people talk in meetings. He’s looking at you when you aren’t talking? Maybe he trusts your reactions and wants to gauge how you seem to be taking in whatever is being said. He looks sad and frustrated when he’s looking at you? Perhaps he’s sad and frustrated with the work being presented. He seeks you out at work events? You guys have been working together nearly two decades – perhaps he’s just more comfortable around you and your senior enough that he doesn’t want to give off the impression he’s fraternizing with more junior employees.
Every data point about his behavior could be explained more innocently than he’s into you. You have given nothing definitive that would indicate he’s interested and willing to act on it (much less interested but not willing to act on it).
The most reasonable conclusion is that you have an intense crush on this guy and are spinning his actions to support the narrative that it’s reciprocated.
You’ve gotta let it go. It doesn’t seem to be true. Even if it is true, the risks – morally given his marital status, the damage to your career – are too great to justify exploring it.
Keep it professional.
