My bf has a concerning secret that he doesnt want to tell me about
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He’s been uneasy because of his past, we are both juniors in hs and apparently his secret has been going on for a few years and he stopped right before entering hs. We’ve been together for about a year and he told me his secret is pretty much illegal, worse than lust. At the time he was drinking alcohol and smoking too but that’s not the worst of it, it could ruin his family if they found out so he won’t tell me anything, this is worrying me now and he seems extremely depressed after bringing it up,even saying he wants to dissappear and that I don’t deserve this from him. I asked him if he killed someone and he said “yesnt” but later on he told me he didn’t. He’s the most caring person I know, he’s all I want in my life and I could see a future with him, so when this happened I didn’t know what to do. I’ve never seen him so troubled over something before. I want to believe that he’s changed and trying his best to be better but I’m scared that I’ve just been living a lie now,I don’t know what he did,but I don’t know what to do now, I’m so lost
There’s somebody better for you, honey.
Until you know what’s going on, you need to step away. You don’t want to end up in a witness chair or worse.
I understand that there are reasons to be concerned,but up until now it’s never been like this, we’ve had our ups and downs but he really did care for me and try to be there for me when no one else was, I’m having trouble stepping away. It genuinely hurts, his most recent message to me was this
“I’m sorry you saw me say those things. I do love you it’s not one-sided. As you can see if given an essay to convince people I’m a good person I wouldn’t know what to say. I’m trying to change but it feels like it’s not working and I’m sorry you had to see that part of me I never intended you to see. I’m trying really hard to not look at myself so poorly. I’m sorry if looks like I have two sides it’s more complex than that. But I do want to change for you at least. I love you”
I’m going to try to step away since that’s probably for the best, at least until I get a better grasp of the whole situation. It doesn’t feel right to leave him but I’m really struggling now. Thanks for the answer though
“apparently his secret has been going on for a few years and he stopped right before entering hs. We’ve been together for about a year and he told me his secret is pretty much illegal, worse than lust. At the time he was drinking alcohol and smoking too but that’s not the worst of it, it could ruin his family if they found out”
It sounds like it could be as bad as ongoing rape / incest.
Look, it’s something really bad. He’s telling you he wants to change for you, but those are words. You don’t know what he did. You don’t know if he can change. Without any information other than what he’s told you, you have to end the relationship so you don’t end up implicated or having it ruin YOUR life.
Honestly it sounds really gross as Kate said. Stop and walk away, when someone tells you they are a predator that’s not a cute clue he’s giving you to look further and make him believe he’s good. You cannot change a persons inner desires and compulsions. Maybe killing someone isn’t like, ooopsie, a casual mistake. This sounds like someone working up the nerve to tell you they molest their cousin or something. Run away.
Worse than lust, not quite as bad as murder, would destroy his family, makes him feel so depressed when he brings it up. Poor him.
Come on. Want better for yourself.
I agree you should step back. Though it may possibly not be something that he did, but could it be along the lines Kate suggested, that was done to him? Just another way to consider and maybe why he feels bad about himself and was drinking a lot etc. However as you do not know and he will not tell you, I think you should step back, tell him he needs to figure himself out/get therapy, get better and you wish him well.
