My husband won't stop smoking weed
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Ron – perhaps you are right. It appears as thought this deal breaker isn’t exactly a “deal-breaker” in this case since I don’t want to divorce my husband. When you bring love and life into the equation that line of being a “deal breaker” seems to fade a bit. I want to find a solution, one that will please both me and my husband. I guess we could move to escape the legality but that would force me to leave my family and forfeit my career which isn’t at all fair. I guess he could take the easy way out and get another job that doesn’t conduct drug tests, although most reputable companies do. He has a great job, that he enjoys and makes good money. Bottom line is, he’s risking a lot to partake in smoking pot.
Your right, my choices also effect him just like his effect mine. However, he married my choices on this matter and I didn’t marry his choices on this matter. I married his lack of choices on this matter and was given no choice in the matter of bringing it into our marriage.
Explaining over and over how you’ve had no choice in the matter doesn’t change or solve anything. He’s shown he’s not stopping, and you’ve decided it isn’t a dealbreaker.
Cool story, bro.
Northern Star – that’s an interest way of looking at it and it might very well be the pill that I have been refusing to swallow.
That probably is your best bet, if you’re not going to get any help here – just try to be cool with him smoking daily. Asking him to curb it or stop it is almost certainly useless. He has absolutely no incentive or desire to stop or even limit his consumption. He knows you would never leave him.
Do you feel concerned at all that he can’t deal with normal job stress any other way but by getting high? Which I am guessing he is… in spite of what Erica said, I wouldn’t think he’s taking one puff. I’d be concerned if my husband couldn’t do his job without drugs. I’d be getting him into therapy to learn coping mechanisms.
And honestly, as much as these smokers are demonizing Xanax, if someone has such bad anxiety that they truly cannot do their job without drugs, I’d rather they be on some kind of managed, low-dose program of legally-prescribed antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds, combined with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or something, than to be self-administering illegal drugs that could get them fired (yes, that does frequently happen).
Kitkat, you don’t really understand deal breakers or boundary setting: deal breakers are for YOU; boundary setting is for YOU. That’s because you can’t control other people’s behavior, only yours. So a deal breaker would be pot use, and a boundary would be, “I won’t marry you if you are a habitual pot user.” But since he pulled a bait and switch, you feel stuvk. Welcome to a life of misery. He lies to you, and you are going to be okay with kicking the can down the road because he won’t stop, and you won’t like it. SMH
Whatever you do don’t have a baby. Babies add stress to your life and he has already proven he can’t handle the current level of stress. If he can’t handle the current level at work he is not going to be able to handle a greater level of stress at home. The stress a baby adds to your life goes on for years and that’s with the average, healthy baby. How would he handle a special needs child? I had to spend part of my first pregnancy on total bed rest. Could he handle that? If anything happened to you and your husband was left on his own to raise a baby/child could he do that? If not you have no business having a child with him.
I don’t see this marriage going long term. He already can’t handle a regular, normal level of stress or he is saying he can’t. How will he handle the inevitable things that happen. How would he handle you having cancer or you losing a job? He can’t deal with basic life and life happens. Sooner or later you will get fed up at the grown man who can’t deal with life. Can you carry it all? Can it be all you all of the time?
I also wonder what changed at work so that he suddenly couldn’t handle the stress level. Either their was a massive change at work or he was able to deal with work and is using it as an excuse or he was smoking and lying even before you were married.
The thing about a dealbreaker is that it exists for a reason. You can try to ignore it but it will still be there. How much of your time that you spend with your husband is positive compared to the amount of time you spend with him that is negative because you are annoyed/disgusted/concerned/worried about his smoking. Research shows you need at least five times more good times than negative times for a marriage to succeed long term. Do you have that? If not you will reach a point where you are just angry or hurt or disgusted or whatever it is you feel about him when he is smoking. That will be the sum of your life with him day in and day out and at some point those feelings will finish off the marriage. It isn’t that we hope you get divorced. It is the only way that we can see for you to have long term happiness. Things like this spiral downward until you reach your breaking point. At that point you will wish you had left a lot sooner.
Hi Kitcat.
I found this forum by searching “my wife wont stop smoking pot”. I Couldn’t find much insight on that topic, apparently not as prevelant as husbands. Sorry for what you are experiencing. About me… I am married 18 years, love my wife very much, 3 daughters, wife won’t stop smoking pot. I have no issues with pot itself, I’ve tried it (don’t like it), friends that grow/smoke (legally) and no issues with it. I enjoy letting loose with my wife drinking and (her) smoking at appropriate times… All that said, I have figured out the real issue I have with her smoking is about trust and honesty, when she partakes at times she knows I disagree with. When she does it in secret (at inappropriate time), it feels like a violation. This is not about promises before marriage (we were both good little church teenagers, whi didn’t know who we where yet), rather about who we are now and our lives together in the future. You are young and freshly married. There is a long road ahead of you. Make sure you are ready for much harder times than this. Children do not make things easier, especially if you and he are not on the same page. Listen to your heart and be careful not to get in so deep that you regret it. I tell you with a painful soul, love is NOT enough. Common balues is more important than a my younger self ever realized. Eventually love turns to pain, then to resentment when you’re very basic values are in conflict. I wish you the very best.Ryan – thanks for your advice. Your story gives me some insight as to what I might be faced with in the future. It seems as though you were able to come to grips with your wife smoking weed daily, which is farther than I’ve gotten. You said that her behavior feels as though she is violating you..I couldn’t have said it any better. The sneaking around the lying involved with your spouse purposely trying to hide something from you is painful and causes you to feel deceived or as you put it..violated.
I told my husband that I felt like I was in a relationship with three people..him, me, and the pot. He sneaks behind my back to go spend time with pot leaving me feelings alone and isolation. Seems like you are feeling similar with your wife. Im sorry your having to go through this, it’s a horrible situation. Especially when the two of you cannot agree on the subject of “pot”. How did you accept your wife’s habit in the beginning? We’re you ever fully okay with it?
Hi,
I am reading this post years after is has been posted.. I am very curious what you decided to do about your situation. I am going to something very similar at the moment and I really could use other views on the topic.
Thanks
