My male friend took advantage of me when I was drunk- is it my fault?
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Oh fuck right off with everyone having a crack at her for having a drink. She did everything ‘right’ in so far as she went out with what she thought were friends, didn’t drive, went to her OWN HOUSE and she was still assaulted. How the fuck could she have predicted someone she thought was her friend would turn on her? Why should she? If someone can’t go out with their friends and get a bit silly without being assaulted it’s not the drinking that’s the problem.
Just… ugh.
No one is saying she shouldn’t drink. Everyone has appropriately put the blame on the guy for assaulting her. It’s not her responsibility to not be assaulted. That’s ridiculous.
However, getting blackout drunk is dangerous for one’s own well being. When I was drinking to excess on a regular basis I would wake up with bruises and no idea how I got them. I wasn’t assaulted, but I was hurting myself. She said she hasn’t blacked out since 2017, so it’s not frequent. That’s good. But since boys and men aren’t being properly taught to not rape then boys and girls have to protect themselves from being raped and maintaining some semblance of coherence helps. Don’t drive tired, don’t go to tourist areas with your wallet in an easily accessible back pocket, don’t get so fucking wasted that you don’t remember what happened.
She trusted someone who plied her with too much alcohol and because of that trust, she went beyond her limits. And unfortunately, this person wasn’t worth any trust. She’s right to kick him to the curb. And no, she’s not to blame.
Oh honey. This was not your fault AT ALL. He chose to assault you. It’s that simple. This line from your update really hurts my heart: “I’m not saying that I’m blameless in this situation; I still feel like it’s my fault.”
You ARE blameless, and anyone on this thread who reinforced a feeling of blame in you by focusing on the drinking aspect of this was wrong to do so, even if their intentions were good.
And to that point- I think [some] of your intentions were good, but as a sexual assault survivor the tone of these comments made me sick to my stomach as I followed along all day, not able to reply because I was too upset. This just isn’t how you talk to someone who has just been assaulted and is seeking support and understanding. In the aftermath of something like this, all you do is question your choices and what you should and should not have done to avoid what happened. Do better, guys. I really didn’t expect this here.
Also, unfortunately this isn’t true: “She did everything ‘right’ in so far as she went out with what she thought were friends, didn’t drive, went to her OWN HOUSE…”
Because if a woman is willing to read even one chapter of a book on self defense and safety, she’ll learn that she’s most likely to be sexually assaulted by a guy she knows (friend, acquaintance) rather than a stranger. And of course these things happen in women’s homes or dorm rooms, all the time, because these guys are trying to get in there. Sadly you can’t assume you’re safe with people you know, in your own home, green light to drink to loss of consciousness. You just always need to be aware.
Kate I usually really like you but jesus christ lay off. If she can’t have friends over in her house then what is even the point of fucking living. Stop trying to tell her how she should have prevented her own assault. It’s not productive and you’re being an arsehole.
I used to be a huge rager when I was young. Blackouts, parties, random houses… You know who did end up assaulting me? My boyfriend when I was stone cold sober.
I’m sorry that happened to you, Ange.
But I don’t care if you think I’m an asshole for telling someone how she can stay safer.
I am sorry this happens to any woman. I am sorry boys are not being raised with the message to not fucking rape people.
I guess I started this torrent of comments. The comment “The Assult/rape is not your fault. But you can increase your chances of it happening to you. Do not go looking for trouble because trouble will find you often enough. You went looking for trouble.” caused me to say this thread had taken an extremely strange turn. That last sentence seemed harsh and accusatory and quite different from Kate’s tips to keep yourself safe.
Oh yeah, I didn’t see that one. She didn’t go looking for trouble.
I don’t want to be an asshole in general, but it’s like, what kind of world do we live in where girls actually can’t trust their guy friends? It makes me so mad.
I did come off harsh in the beginning, the way the original post was written was like, “he disrespected my relationship.” Like who cares about that? Worry about your safety, and here’s how. It also sounded like the blackout drinking was typical. I rarely ever blacked out, because I’d get sick first, but when I was in that realm nothing good ever happened.
The OP did nothing wrong. At the same time there is nothing wrong in giving her advice on how to stay safer. This is about setting boundaries that help to keep her safe. Really no different than locking the door of your house to keep people out. Boundaries are your friend.
I tell my kids that reality is that you can’t always trust the people you should be able to trust. Does that mean you should always be paranoid. No, but it does mean keep your wits about you and question people who push you to do things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do. If someone pushes you to drink beyond your normal limits you should say no and be wary of them. Why would they want you to drink too much. In general, there is no good reason for someone to push you past your own limits. A friend will accept your limits and not push.
I think that women especially don’t feel that they can say no to a nice gesture. So when a friend keeps buying them drinks they feel they must drink them. I’ve told both my son and my daughter that they can always so no. They can always leave if they are uncomfortable. They should always be able to get themselves home. Not just assume or depend on a friend to get you home safely but you should be able to get yourself home safely. I expect them to look out for their friends but also be able to depend on themselves.
The trouble with predatory people is that they take advantage of the easy target so our goal should be to make sure there are no easy targets. This is very similar to pickpockets. When we were in Europe last summer we were warned about how to protect ourselves from pickpockets. How they worked in large groups and how they bumped into targets to distract them. While riding the subway in Paris a group of seven young women jumped on and started asking us for directions, pointing up at the subway map. They crowded into us and one began bumping into me and then I knew what she was trying to do and I turned away and covered my purse and wallet with my arms and prevented them from stealing my things. They had gotten close. Both my purse and wallet were unzipped even though I was wearing my purse in front of me instead of letting in hang at my side. Nothing was missing because we had been warned about how these things happened. That warning saved me from being robbed. I didn’t lose my money or my passport. The people warning us weren’t blaming us if we did get pickpocketed but they were protecting us by warning us how it happened. This is the same. Warning someone about how a predator picks them out and preps them for an assault is helping them avoid an assault in the future. It does not say that they are at fault for what has happened or even if an assault happens in the future. What it does is give tools to help protect anyone who reads this from being a victim. It isn’t a guarantee that you won’t be a victim but it lowers the odds.
Not all predators are men but all predators search for easy targets. As foreigners on a subway we looked like easy targets and would have been if we hadn’t been warned about how groups of young women were pickpocketing. Drunk young women look like easy targets. The group who distract you by having you look up at a map and repeatedly asking questions while crowding you and bumping into you aren’t that different from the young man who buys you drink after drink until you are blacking out and then follows you to your room. Both are trying to make you unaware of your surroundings so that they can prey on you. Knowledge of predatory behavior protects you.
