My mom is turning away our family for a holiday stay at home
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Stop passing messages between your brother, sister in law, and mother. They can talk to each other directly. So long as you’re the messenger, you’re getting caught in the middle.
Also, you keep talking about your mother shouting at you. This is not normal, healthy behaviour. I suggest you find a way to move out. Do you have friends you could split rent with?
I agree with @passingny.
Your mom sounds completely toxic. She’s screaming at you. You have an estranged sister. For some reason, she has a problem with your brother’s partner. Does she hate women? Like what is going on.
I know you mean well, but it’s not working. You need to stop being the go between. Your brother knows what’s going on so you don’t have to contact him anymore. Tell your mom you’re sorry, but you can’t magically make hotels or Airbnb’s available. You did all you could. You’d be happy to fix up the house. But that’s it.
My mom is an older woman 69. She missed the start of the technology era. She never got into using phones and smartphones and internet and data. She doesn’t know any of that. She has a phone that she can only really answer and that’s it.
My brother is in his 40s. For some reason he never got into smartphones. His phone doesn’t even take international calls.
So that’s how I was involved.
Helping your mom look for alternative accommodations was fine. You could tell her what you found and then she can decide what to do. Where it went south is you calling you brother and telling him what you were doing and the half truth why you were doing it. You should have let your mom handle it. They presumably know how to talk on the phone?
Monday night my sister in law was trying to exhaust an alternative option for housing and a base because at that stage she knew my mom was apprehensive. The following morning I was contacting an aunt & uncle to see if they had any available accommodation. This was prompted by the sister in law. I informed mom and all she did was rage at me for not letting her know first and ‘how dare I do it without permission from her or my brother’. I then said that SIL asked me and her face turned bitter while she was still shouting at me. I was prompted by my SIL. Mother was shouting at me to keep her informed.
How can I inform her of the most recent messages where my brother texted me:
‘me and my family are not welcome in _____. I was trying to do something nice and bring _____. This has shamed and embarrassed me beyond words. I think we will forget about the whole thing’
I woke up to that yesterday morning. I kept it to myself so far. How can I tell my mom that? It’s just going to open up more abuse from her.
I was so happy to hear that that were coming.
My heart is broken.
I was calling my brother to see if he could reassure mom about the room.
I think he had to know that there was an issue brewing at home on this because they were going to step out of their lives and jobs for 6 weeks and spend thousands to get home. At one point when the accommodation searches were failing mom asked me to text the SIL and ask them to find their own accommodation. I put my foot down with that request because it wasn’t the right point of action. At that point it required a phone call from mom to my brother she didn’t want to call him.
Look, you can stay involved in the toxic family drama or you can remove yourself from it.
The “cannot use technology “ is bs. It’s an excuse. My 96 year old grandmother used cells phones, laptops and would FaceTime me on her iPad before she died. My 75 year old FIL uses it all and even sends memes. It’s an excuse. It’s a refusal to learn new things, it’s stubbornness.
You can stay there, and live your mother’s life out with her or you can remove yourself from the abuse and drama and make your own relationship with your siblings that don’t involve mom drama. I suggest you move out as soon as you can if you can.
I was renting before and I enjoyed it but circumstances had me move back home. I hear you about moving out and away and I will at some point. It’s not going to happen overnight.
My immediate issue is seeing this mess between my mom and brother. It’s breaking my heart.
Also the issue right now is that, I don’t know if my brother was in touch with mom at all. I don’t think he can bring himself to call her. She wanted to be kept informed of the situation. How do I act on the recent message from my brother. She won’t even talk to me. Or will I see if I can take a neighbour in to sit down and talk over this and the neighbour can be somewhat of a mediator do that it doesn’t break down into insults and abuse from my mother. My brother took offence to what happened. This is going to break my mom’s heart so much but then I can’t really fix this, can I – he wants to bring his family and she wasn’t welcome to the idea.
Again, this isn’t your problem. This is between your brother and your mom. There’s nothing for you to fix. There’s nothing you can say or do at this point. Let them work it out.
Of course your brother took offense to what happened. I would have too.
I don’t know why. I think she was looking forward to my brother coming home and then she got the news that he wants to bring his family and he wasn’t happy. She spoke with resentment about her and she’s a beautiful lady. So down to earth. It was all weekend she spoke with a bitter tone.
We do have an older house and we grew up in poverty so there was some neglect throughout the years. I was able to save some money about 13/14/15 years ago and help with some home improvements. There is one bad room and that will be out of bounds for everyone. It’s a storage room. I had a brother live at home until recently but he’s gone abroad now too so his room is free. I could spend a few weekends cleaning his room and painting it and cutting the grass and I think it will be ok. My brother knows it’s not palace or a 5 star home. He knows what he’s coming back to. She’s saying the house is not suitable.
She was hoping to find alternative accommodation but that’s so hard. Some of the quotes I got was scandalous. If she was successful at finding a place, mom wasn’t even open to the idea of even a sleepover night. Not even one night.
I’m finding all of this hard to understand.
I certainly won’t be forcing any sort of fix on these two.
Should I be informing my mother on the recent message that I got from my brother?
The SIL recommended for my mom to phone him. She said they need to talk to each other.
Anything that I say or do is not good enough for mom. Last weekend all she did was fight with me. That fighting went into Monday and Tuesday. Now it’s silent treatment time from her.
