Tell your brother and your mother that you’re done. You tried to help and got nothing but grief from your mother. Your mother is acting foolish and your brother understandably feels rejected – because your mom is rejecting his family.

Your mom is angry or ashamed about something and she’s taking it out on you. Maybe she wanted your brother to come and fix the place up and he won’t be able to because his wife and child will be there. Maybe she wanted to ask him for money to help and she thinks his wife will influence his decision (which she will and is totally normal).

She’s going to run out of kids to insult if she keeps up with this.

If your mother and brother don’t have the technical know-how to communicate, that’s their problem to solve not yours.

You can tell both of them that they can talk to each other about it, and step away. Whether they can figure out how to do that is for them to figure out not you.

Does the situation suck? Yes.
Can you fix it. No.

Two things come to mind reading this:
1. If your mother’s personality has seemed to change dramatically from what has been normal to date, perhaps she is in the early stages of dementia. I think that is unlikely as she is only 69 and that really is not very old at all.

2. She may be sick of people living off her and in her space. At nearly 70, she still has one adult child in her home who is not capable of supporting themselves. Until recently, she had two. She may not want an additional 3 people in her house for nearly a whole summer. It will change the dynamic, the noise level and create more work for her. One adult child coming is very different from another whole family squeezing into her home. Frankly, the entitlement you all exhibit to put yourselves up in her home, largely free, is a bit much. Maybe your mother just wants to be on her own for awhile. She deserves that and to control who lives in her house. She may love visits with you all but not homestay guests or lodgers. Instead of being offended, it might be nice if you collectively tried to see this from her point of view. It feels like a lot of taking and not a lot of supporting your mom and her needs. Why don’t you ask her if this is the case? I adore my kids but I sure don’t want to house them forever and could see myself getting really frustrated in her position and that having nothing to do with my son’s partner. There is a point at which adults need to stand on their own two feet and she may want time on her own before she is truly old and can’t be independent anymore. Her outburst may be bubbled over frustration at years of never-ending imposition.

Also, another update – my mother is still hoping to salvage this by sourcing a caravan and getting me to do her work and contacting the brother to offer that to him. I’m putting my foot down now at this stage with her and no more. She can fix this if she wants picking up the phone and talking to him. Not getting me to go in between.

She got me to email a caravan park but I’m going to lie and say there’s no response. I don’t have a response from my email anyways but I will continue to lie because it’s not the right point of action.

It’s not happening now anyways. He cancelled his plans for coming home and scheduled a different European country for holidays. I presume it will be for a few weeks anyways. I don’t know what his plans are.

There can be a middle ground found if either party is interested and that can be 3 weeks holidays in the country of choice and 3 weeks holidays at home. That would be a balance and a half way point. The issue is mom doesn’t even want them for one night. This is absolutely a complete rejection on his family and that’s all it is. I am here and willing to help and work on the spare room but if there was any sort of change of plan from the other side, mom still wants to get a caravan and put them in the back yard. All this says is that – there’s no room for another woman or her sons partners under her roof. She’s using the dominance of ‘her roof’ when the house is still in my father’s name and they ar years separated but she won’t secure the house. Realistically, what is she going to do – take her roof to her grave?

We grew up in poverty and from a young age we had to work hard because my father was neglectful and absent. We always helped and did jobs and we all worked together when we were younger adults to do house repairs. I saved money and I chatted with my brothers about a new kitchen and we all did it for a surprise for our mother. We always helped so we were never leeches. I am at home due to housing and financial difficulties but I am far from a leech on our mother. She doesn’t even have to do the hosting. That will be on me.