My mom is turning away our family for a holiday stay at home
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Well, In that case, it’s no surprise he would balk at coming at the first sign of her/your hesitancy.
Interesting that she’s so abusive, sexist and terrible and holds you back but you are still with her and wrapped up in her life and decisions. I mean she is housing her now. Do you pay her rent? You should move on for you own happiness.
Is this all what you think or what you actually know is her perspective?
Why do you keep telling your brother his visit is wanted and his family is welcome? It’s not true.
It doesn’t matter that you want them. You may live there but it is not your house.
If you want to be the decision-maker, your focus should be on fully supporting yourself so you can one day invite them to your home. Or visit them. Instead, you are pressuring a senior to take in a whole family when she has flat-out told you no. Stuffing a family with a kid into a tiny house for weeks is going to be a strain. And you’re planning to lie to her too. Your brother’s response is no better. Can’t he grasp that such a visit is too much for his elderly mother to cope with? It’s all about your own needs with you guys. You need to drop this subject with her.
I don’t think it is about their own needs. I think the LWs mom is a piece is work. She was fine with her son visiting for six weeks. It’s when he said that he’s bringing his wife that it changed. And then the mom put everything on the LW to figure out. The only thing she did wrong is serve as the go between. This entire situation should have been figured out by her mom and her brother. She’s trying to appease everyone and smooth shit over. She should have never been the go between.
I also think the brother is a piece that of work.
I also don’t understand why you’re essentially completely lying to your brother as canadadgoose pointed out. Why? If you want a relationship with him, go and forge one yourself. Don’t lie to him and then force your mom into something for whatever reason she doesn’t want.
I can tell you no DIL with a baby is going to want to be in a dilapidated place needing work with chipping paint and god knows what else and an angry MIL to greet her. No one wants that type of visit. I’m sorry if that sounds judgmental but I once asked my mom to baby proof her home and was shocked at what I found. You simply don’t understand unless you’ve had a small baby/toddler in recent decades.
I don’t think you’re right that it’s her viewing men as precious. If that was the case, she would do anything to bring him back and make them happy, if she was able. You don’t know why she doesn’t want them or at least haven’t explained it here and are just presuming what the problem is. And yeah, how does she (your mother) know this isn’t a case of your brother imposing his family on her for eternity? It seems her children take a lot of support from her and give her a lot of grief back for it.
Yeah, why do you lie so much? It’d be easier to keep your story straight if you weren’t actively lying to your brother and his family and your mother about different things. Why do you think you feel the need to do that? Why are you afraid of being honest?
There is a big difference between having an adult child visit alone in their former home and having a whole family. It was not just the wife added, it was the child too. The dynamic changes. What is expected of the host changes. The noise level changes. It would require additional work on the house that the original visit did not require. Not everyone loves having grandkids around. Some do. Some don’t. I don’t see the mother saying no to shoehorning 3 people into her small home for 6 weeks as making her a piece of work. I read it as she’s a senior with little money and very entitled kids, who doesn’t feel like she can deal with a whole family. Guests are exhausting. Six weeks of guests in your tiny home, so small one of the residents would have to sleep in a chair, sounds like a recipe for a stressful visit.
If there was a magical turnaround of events and the brother decided to come back or if there was a half way point and maybe come for 3 weeks instead of 6 – my mother still won’t take them in.
This is family that live a world away and she can’t even tolerate them for one night.
If there was a turnaround of events (which won’t happen now), mom said she will buy a caravan and they can go outside the back. The message she’s sending there is that my brothers partner will never be allowed under her roof. But she doesn’t have the courage to talk to my brother her son and tell him the real reasons for her apprehension.
The child is not a baby or a toddler any more and so there’s no child proofing involved. She’s an older child. I work as a nanny and I was going to take her to work f and bring her on sleepovers. I have a lot of tools already like thermometer and toys and childrens books.
My brother was going to give us a snapshot into his childs life. It was going to be so precious.
It’s not a tiny house but it’s not a mansion or a big house either. It’s middle size. There is a large spare room and it would fit all three of them. My room is also a big room. It was me who offered up my bed because I am sleeping in my chair most nights too because of reflux. So a visit would have been completely managable.
You really just need to accept that until you have your own place, you can’t change what happens in your mother’s house. Save up and go visit them.
If the grass needs cutting and the room needs fixing and you are living there, why not do that? You’re living there and it needs to be done. No time like the present.
We can’t help you with your issues with your mother. You need to make a plan to get back on your feet and independent of her and then you can host who ever you want for as many months or weeks as you want.
LW — I understand that you are disappointed that your mother didn’t agree to host your brother’s family (for 6 weeks), but you need to get over it. This was your mother’s decision to make, it’s her house, she gets to decide how many visitors and for how many weeks she is able to tolerate. Your mother agreed to pay for lodging — she tried a rental, then willing to try a caravan. That is not outright rejecting a visit from your brother and family.
It’s clear that she doesn’t get along with your brother’s wife. In that case, spending 6 weeks with her in even a medium-sized house could be a hellish prospect for her. It’s not just taking up one bedroom. With a child to manage and keep content, your brother’s wife will have to essentially commandeer partial control of other parts of your mother’s house. The child can’t be full-time in the bedroom or outdoors. With a family of 3 on a 6-week visit, plus you being so eager to jump into activities of your brother’s family, your mother may fear that she is going to feel like the outsider in her own house.
My family gets along with each other and visits with out-of-area family are about a week long. Great to see them, but, you know what, after a little more than a week, everyone is happy to get back to normal life. I don’t think we could do 6 weeks.
