I understand not wanting to be associated with extremists. Any extremists, and unfortunately, feminism has that, and so does my religion, which I’ve gotten slack on here for before. Its a shame. When people start accepting the not all parts of any group are like the  extremists, then we won’t have to worry about being afraid to use certain labels. Maybe the way to do that is to speak up as a normal person who believes in their “group” rather than let the nutty ones do most of the talking. Of course, those are the ones that will get the most attention though.

I think the last name issue is personal, so I’ll just state my personal beliefs.

I really dislike the patriarchal naming system. When I think about it, I just go further down the rabbit hole of ‘women are property’ and it bugs the shit out of me. I don’t think there’s a really good solution or fix to this either.

People thinking about it, and removing the presumption that the woman will take her husband’s last name is progress, IMO. And I would never tell another woman to make my choices. But I tend to be of that mindset across the board- you want to be a Jets fan and have to root for Sanchez and look at Rex Ryan’s rudy rage-face every Sunday? Well that’s your sad choice! I kid I kid (kinda).

Anyway. I think it’s a personal decision, and I personally can’t see myself being compatible with someone who doesn’t see it that way. When my ex and I had this conversation he said, “I always assumed you’d keep your name. That’s who you are. And I can’t imagine being with a woman who didn’t want  to keep her name.” This is a man who was raised by a feminist, and was completely unfazed by being teased after he told his friends he was a feminist on the playground in 3rd grade. Oh jeez. I’d like to stop loving him already. DAMMIT.

The only name change I ever intend on making is a pen name. Because  I write sci-fi, and also plain old regular fiction, and my name sounds like a made-up romance writer’s name. I’m serious. I do love my last name, but everyone always assumes my last name is some country-ass add-on to my first name (think: Carrie Mae or Jenny Lynn) and it makes me bonkers. There are people in my office  who STILL forget my last name is not part of my first name and you don’t need to address me with my full name 24/7. And since these people email me nearly every day and all our emails are [email protected] I.Just.Don’t.Get.It. /end rant

To throw out a completely different way of thinking about it… other cultures totally use the woman’s name or have other ways of going about it. so instead of it being a misinterpreted statement about commitment, maybe think outside the box and get creative.

My ex bf took his wife’s last name and hyphenated (his name first, then hers, whereas she just kept her name). It’s how I found out he had gotten married, which kinda sucked, but then when I looked into it was really interesting.  I give you Spanish nomenclature, via wikipedia, but there are similar
Spanish naming customs are those practiced in Spain. They are similar to those in other Spanish-speaking countries. In Spain, a person’s name consists of a given name (simple or composite) followed by two family names(surnames). The first surname was traditionally the father’s first surname, and the second the mother’s first surname. In Spain this order may now be reversed, according to a new gender equality law.
Currently in Spain, people bear a single or composite given name (nombre) and two surnames (apellidos). A composite given name comprises two (not more) single names; Juan Pablo is considered not to be a first and a second forename, but a single composite forename. Traditionally, a person’s first surname is the father’s first surname (apellido paterno), and the second one is the mother’s first surname (apellido materno). However, gender equality law has allowed surname transposition since 1999,[1] subject to the condition that every sibling must bear the same surname order recorded in the Registro Civil (civil registry), but there have been legal exceptions. From 2013, if the parents of a child are unable to agree on order of surnames, an official decides which is to come first.[2]
For example, if a man named Eduardo Fernández Garrido marries a woman named María Dolores Martínez Ruiz and have a child named Eduardo, there are several legal options, but their child would most usually be known as Eduardo Fernández Martínez.
Each surname can also be composite, the parts usually linked by the preposition de (of) or by a hyphen. For example, a person’s name might be Juan Pablo Fernández de Calderón García-Iglesias, consisting of a forename (Juan Pablo), a paternal surname (Fernández de Calderón) and a maternal surname (García-Iglesias).

Sorry to pick on you GatorGirl, I think I just saw a couple comments to the effect of “I’m not a feminist or anything, I just want my last name.”  You happened to be the most recent comment to that effect, so I was a cranky-pants and put down the definition of feminism.  And if you agree with that definition, like it or not you are a feminist.  I happen to like it.

And the awesome thing about it is, I GET TO CHOOSE WHAT I DO WITH MY NAME.  And we can have these awesome discussions and tell these stories because we have that option now.  Which I think is great, even if it makes things more confusing.

and @MMcG I have heard of this spanish naming system and it seems awesome.  Except for the whole Alice In Dairyand Maryland thing.  :-/  But if your name works with that system it is a great option.

So here’s my problem with the whole “last name” debate: anytime a guy has any feeling about it besides “Oh, sweetie, whatever you want is fine with me,” we get labeled as chauvanist pigs who want to treat our wives like dining room sets or cars (i.e., things we own). And that’s completely unfair, especially since it just doesn’t mean the same thing as it once did. As a guy, I absolutely wanted my wife to take my last name, and I was insistent on it. Granted, part of it was because I was basically capitulating to every other damn thing in the marriage (raising the kids Catholic, seeing her parents for every Christian holiday, etc.), and I felt like I needed one thing that I got to have go my way. But a large part of it was for reasons I couldn’t completely explain. It was something that just . . . mattered to me. It wasn’t because I thought my wife was less than me; I just wanted us to have an identity as a couple in the fashion that I always dreamed of it being. Many women also get “given away” by their fathers at their weddings; should we assume they all see themselves as property because they did that? Also, men put up with far more ridiculous requests from the women they marry because “that’s how I always imagined it being.” I’m not saying getting married in a certain place or a certain time is necessarily equal to changing your last name for (you hope) the rest of your life, but I just fail to see why the former is considered completely reasonable and forgivable, and the latter is some great sin.

I don’t know. I’m just seriously sensitive about this. I got SO much crap from people for wanting my wife to take my last name, and it’s such bullshit. Men shouldn’t be bashed for wanting that, and I get really sick and tired of being tarred and feathered for it, even indirectly, for holding that belief. I would never do anything but support and celebrate my wife’s accomplishments, and I would never try to minimize her family history, so I don’t know why people always think that because I wanted her to take my name it means I don’t care about either of those things. 🙁

@Guy Friday – The difference between being given away by a father and a husband insisting on a wife taking his name is the party affected.  In one case a woman chooses that her father “give her away” whereas in the other the husband chooses for the wife what her last name will be.  If the husband wanted to change HIS last name – then that would be comparable.

But I agree with you – men shouldn’t be faulted for what they want.  But what you insist on – to the detriment of another’s wishes – then that is deserving of fault.  And I would say the same if the bride forced the groom into something he didn’t want that adversely affected him, too.