Opinions on taking husband's last name?
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I agree with Bethany – it is odd to use your full name in a social situation – it usually comes up when strangers are calling you Mrs. Something …. for the people that ask outright they shouldn’t be offended by an answer to their question. I’ve never had any grief over keeping my name.
When my husband and I first started dating, the people at my neighborhood bar called him Mr. Myfirstname. He thought that was pretty great.
I don’t see anything wrong with the Mr./Mrs. Name thing if other people are being sweet and jokey about it, like they’re happy for you because you found someone to love the crap out of you. I think most of the time, it’s done as a humorous form of congratulations, and nothing serious is meant by it.
I agree with Elanie. I’m still going to correct people who call me the wrong name, but people definitely take it as an aggressive act (probably because in a lot of circles, changing your name is the norm).
@Bethany: believe it or not, my full name (first+last) is what I was known by to a lot of people I grew up with. My initials are alliterative and it sort of became my nickname.
I don’t think I’d take a future husband’s last name because my first name is too weird. It wouldn’t go. Except I had a friend in college with the last name DePersia and I always said I wanted to marry him and take his last name because then my name would sound like an exotic porn star, and geographically correct.
Re: the “when do you actually say your last name” question, now that I think about it, not very often. I say my full name when I appear before a judge “Your honor, Addie Pray for the defendant.” That’s the only time I can think of! I am going to pay attention now and see how long I go before I say my last name.
LBH- I was offended by it because the way they were all “HI MRS HISLASTNAME” made me feel like I should be honored to take their name, like I was somehow trading up, and MY family wasn’t as good as theirs, and it pissed me the fuck off. That’s just me though… I know plenty of people who were super excited to change their name, and that’s great for them. I support my friends who were happy to change their names. I’m sure my in laws didn’t mean anything by it, and they assumed I was happy to take their name, but I just think something as personal as a name shouldn’t be something you’d assume about anyone.
Addie- as I said above, I have a very unusual name. Get this- my husbands first name matches my first name. Like “Paul and Paula” except mine is unusual. People ask me if I’m going to name all my kids similarly so we all match. I say no, because I’m not a Kardashian.
Temperance- I was also a first and last namer in high school! People called me Beth Lastname. Most people call me Bethany now, but I think that high school name is part of why I clung to my maiden name.
So, for the record, I do identify myself as feminist. But I also am sensitive to people’s view on the Uppity Feminist thing, so maybe it is ingrained in me to assume nothing is wrong with people referring to me casually as Mrs. ______ even if I don’t change my name. But I also think it’s a personality thing with me. I tend to ease into revealing/defining statements about myself until I’m close with somebody, anyway. So if a situation like that were to come up, I’m sure my first reaction would be to not verbalize “oh, actually…I kept my own name.” If the topic came up AGAIN, I might slip that in, but otherwise? I’d be fine with letting it slide.
A lot of these awesome, thorough comments have kind of cemented the discomfort I have with the whole thing, though. Like @bethany, I was also referred to consistently as “FirstName LastName” in high school (even though together, they sound silly– if any of you are friends with me on FB, you’d know! haha) so maybe that’s why I have more of an attachment.
I don’t mind if people think I’m an Uppity Feminist. It’s not an insult to me. I am, in fact, a feminist. It’s certainly not something I would try to hide or apologize for. The way I figure, if someone has a problem with that, we’re not going to be pals anyway. I know in my heart that women are awesome and men are awesome and we all deserve to be free from crappy gender stereotypes and cultural inequalities. No shame there. I’ll sing it from the rooftops.
That being said, the couple times I’ve had to tell people I didn’t take my husband’s last name, I think I was pretty nice about. Mostly because taking a husband’s name is a thing that some people do and often enjoy doing. There was no harm meant in it, and there was no harm meant in my response. Just a simple statement. I can’t imagine people being offended by a gentle correction. I know if I got someone’s name wrong (mispronunciation, wrong last name, or whatever), I would definitely want them to tell me so I could get it right the next time.
I am also very, very lucky I live in a big city where I’m not a total oddball. I don’t know how people in suburban and rural areas deal with all the shaming that comes with being a feminist and/or not taking someone’s last name. Like, how do you navigate those conversations? How do those conversations happen?
P.S. Kudos to the ladies who have chosen to take their husband’s names, too. I know that for some people it’s easy and natural-feeling, but others have done a lot of soul-searching about it. I recognize that even though it was not my choice, taking someone’s name is a very personal and special thing.
“I am also very, very lucky I live in a big city where I’m not a total oddball. I don’t know how people in suburban and rural areas deal with all the shaming that comes with being a feminist and/or not taking someone’s last name. Like, how do you navigate those conversations? How do those conversations happen?”
Yeah, those conversations aren’t easy. I have always been a bit of a black sheep in my small Southern town because from a young age I knew I wanted to go to med school and, well, that’s not what women are supposed to do in my town. I made the mistake of staying in-state for college, and I could hardly get a second date with the boys at my school. “So, I know you want to go to med school, but afterwards you’ll stay home with the kids, right?” *facepalm* [I deeply respect and admire stay-at-home moms, but going to med school and then not using the degree seemed like unnecessary punishment.]
My fiance is from LA and very supportive of women’s rights. Tonight I told him that I will be taking his name after our wedding for a number of very personal reasons. But I kind of dread telling people back home that I’m taking his name, because I’m afraid that they will be smug about it, as though I have finally “come round” to their way of thinking. I love my fiance and am very happy to take his name, but it’s not for patriarchal reasons.
