Overbearing MIL and Her Single Daughter
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Hello! I desperately need some advice regarding my overbearing mother-in-law. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. I have a daughter and he has two children from a previous marriage. We have enjoyed blending our family and making memories together, however, my mother-in-law is always trying to insert herself in our family plans – especially during the holidays. She wants everything to be centered around her and that’s not the life I want us to live. I love cooking for our immediate family and my parents, of course. My parents are quiet people and are nothing like she is. Even if I could put our differences aside and include her, she has to demand to invite her daughter who is also single. I can no longer tolerate this type of behavior anymore. My husband has been so run over by these women over the years, that he just doesn’t even address the situation. I guess he just hopes that I will shoot them down and we’ll continue to do our own thing. His sister has grown sons of her own! Why can’t she have her own traditions with them and not expect me/us to host and feed them all the time. Im so tired of these women, but unfortunately they are a part of my husbands life. Please advise!
If you want to include your parents at every gathering, and always exclude his mom and sister, then that’s utterly unfair. Even if you don’t like his family, he has a right to share the holidays with them.
However, a compromise like “we do Christmas with your family this year, and mine next year” would be reasonable. Or even, “Let’s not have any extended family for this Thanksgiving and just cook for us and the kids.” Also, why are you always hosting? Can’t someone else take the reins for a holiday or two?
Also, does your husband share the work of hosting all these people? Does he do half the cooking, or does he clean up if you cook? I’m wondering if your resentment is entirely due to these family members or if it’s more of your husband’s expectation that you do the work for all family members, yours AND his.
But as Anonymousse noted above, this is something you have to work out with your husband, with the goal of both of you getting what you want at least some of the time, and neither of you shouldering all the work.
I’m not seeing what is at all overbearing about a single mother (you don’t mention a FIL) or sister wanting or even expecting to be included in holiday meals. How is that ‘centered around’ her? You are cool to have your two parents included but are ‘sick of’ having to include two members of your husband’s family? For many people, the whole point of the holidays is to bring family members together, but apparently you don’t like her because she’s loud and wants to see her kids on the holidays. Hardly a cardinal sin. You aren’t presenting anything here that remotely supports your position that your husband’s family of origin is the problem. If the MIL and SIL live close to your home, outside of deciding to travel on holidays, you aren’t going to be able to elegantly exclude them without hurting your husband.
You’ve given absolutely no examples how these two women are overbearing other than simply existing. Honestly, without any context for your disdain, you sound like you’re trying to separate your husband from his extended family simply because they aren’t your family.
You don’t have to love these women, but they are a part of your husband’s family and they are the grandmother and aunt to your children and unless these women are unkind or abusive to your children, your behavior comes off as intolerant and cruel.
I agree w/ the others. Do you have any other examples of how your in-laws are overbearing? If not, it does seem a bit cruel to treat them like second class citizens to your parents. Like, why is it ok for your parents to have holiday meals with you and not your husband’s mom or sister?
If hosting is getting to be much with added people, tell your husband you need help. All the planning, cooking, cleaning, etc. shouldn’t fall on you. Or take turns hosting? Or ask both families to chip in?
There are ways to solve this issue without cutting out your in-laws.
Unless they’re truly awful people? But I think you would have gotten into that if they were.
