TacoTuesday here.
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What on earth do you want me to tell you, Kate? Do you want pictures of my new apartment? The address? I’ve literally even bought a new laptop since I’ve began posting on this board. I’ve moved out. You don’t believe it, fine, but I’m not going over this anymore.
“I’m struck by what your mom said about your siblings moving out “well they didn’t want to be here anyway” that says so so so much about your parents and I don’t think you need to discuss further with your mom.”
I agree. There’s extra context behind those words, like all of us being from another state originally and moving here a few years after I was born and my parents believing that they did not respect my mom enough, didn’t want to be with my dad, yada yada.
“You really need to stop trying to get her to help you figure this out or agree with you that it’s fucked up.”
Yes, I get that she will never agree or see or understand. That’s why I regret even having that conversation with her, the only time I’ve been open about this, because even though I wasn’t expecting that, I don’t know…I wasn’t thinking clearly and just vomited it out.
Another thing she kept saying. Well, two things. One, “do you hate your father?”, which I refused to answer, because it’s a dumb question, and two, “How do we move past this?” There is no moving past it; it’s just who they are.
But this will come to a head, it’s likely to come up the next time I call, my father will bring this up on Christmas if I visit, and I don’t want to send a letter and be done with it because that seems like the cowardly way out. I want to say it verbally, whether over the phone or in their face. And not to get any certain reaction out of them–especially not an apology or “explanation”–but it feels like the truest thing to do FOR ME.
Please 👏🏻 get 👏🏻 therapy 👏🏻.
You don’t need to call to make an announcement that you are going no-contact with your dad. You don’t even need to call to say you’re not attending Christmas if you feel that will turn into a confrontation… you can politely decline by text. If the text causes backlash, you can block.
Ok, you’re trying to stay true to yourself by telling your dad that you’re out. What do you honestly think will happen? Do you think that your dad is going to get upset? Sad? Angry? Disgusted? What purpose does such an encounter provide?
You know perfectly well that he’s likely going to get angry and shout disgusting things at you – do you think this is the time your mom is going to pay attention? She hasn’t for your whole life so why would anything change now?
Honestly it sounds like you’re causing drama to be dramatic. If that’s what you want, have at it. But I really don’t think anyone is going to give you want you really want or come to your defense after you pull such a stunt.
I don’t believe a thing you’ve written. You still live in their house. We know how IP addresses work. It’s not a mystery why Kate knows where you are. It’s easy to keep track of the facts when there are not any lies.
“I don’t want to send a letter and be done with it because that seems like the cowardly way out. I want to say it verbally, whether over the phone or in their face. And not to get any certain reaction out of them–especially not an apology or “explanation”–but it feels like the truest thing to do FOR ME.”
Who said to send a letter?
People getting away from their abusive a family usually don’t make an announcement or send a letter…they just take some time. And when your mom or dad call, you tell them you’re taking space because he is a weird dad, and then you can tell them how he’s weird, if you want.
Because you’re adamant that you need to do this, in a non cowardly way, I am also getting the sense that this is a big dramatic moment for you of catharsis…where in reality you should be getting this out with a licensed therapist who specializes in incest or family trauma.
You are sounding like the girlfriend who is not at all ready to leave her toxic codependent relationship but wants a big blowout fight to see if he really loves her, or something. Yeah, you can tell me I’m full of shit but I have a pretty good bullshit detector.
Anyway, you asked what Kate wants, I can’t speak for Kate but we, a collective we as advice givers, are getting pretty tired of the multiple posts, usernames, details, lies, etc. Actually be honest. Reddit moderators have a lot more to moderate but they will ban you faster than Kate has called out your BS once they notice you posting from the same IP again and again. They will save your IP, add yours to the list to watch and if they notice any crap from you, your IP won’t be allowed to access the subreddit. Banned for good.
“People getting away from their abusive a family usually don’t make an announcement or send a letter…they just take some time. And when your mom or dad call, you tell them you’re taking space because he is a weird dad, and then you can tell them how he’s weird, if you want.”
I’m going to do this, then. It makes a lot more sense and I’m not interested in a fight at all.
You missed the part where I said don’t bother with that and go see a therapist. That is what you need.
Oh! I was on an Amtrak train earlier with iffy Internet and had missed a bunch of comments somehow when I posted.
Um, yeah. @TacoTuesday IP isn’t always super precise in terms of location in my experience (e.g., my work IP used to pinpoint me to the suburbs of my city and still may), but when you use the same internet connection, the IP address does not change. So anytime I’m at work, the IP address is consistent even if I switch from my phone to my laptop. When I go home and post from there, the IP will change. Right now I’m at a hotel, it’d be different from both of the usual IP addresses associated with my account. IP is based on Internet connection.
Anyway. There’s nothing cowardly about putting space between yourself and a person, place, or thing that is harming you. I’ve learned a lot of things the hard way in this life and a big one is this: The need to be understood by people who consistently show you that they can barely understand themselves or have no desire to understand you will handcuff you to the most painful people and relationships. It’s fine to try to talk to a parent and try to make them see you. But when you receive a response that shows you they don’t want to understand you, the answer isn’t to continue having phone calls or writing a letter. The answer is distance and boundaries. And you really ought to be doing this with the help of a therapist.
Nothing you say or write to them will change who they are or how they behave. They aren’t self-reflective enough to take any criticism and apply it. They will simply dismiss it and say “good riddance”.
What you can do is leave. Just leave. If I were in your shoes, I’d get my important papers, whatever trinkets or mementos I wanted to keep and move them out over a few days. Nothing larger than what fits in a shoe box. I’d throw my clothing into some garbage bags and tell anyone who asked that I was cleaning out my closets and giving stuff to a charity or a friend or whatever. Then I’d leave for the day and never come back. Gone. Leave a note saying “I’m out.” so they don’t file a missing person report.
I can’t give you any advice because I have no idea what your real situation is, and the advice I give could be harmful. I do know there’s zero point in trying to have a dialogue with parents about how you felt about their actions growing up. The thing to do is to get out of there and then only engage with them on the terms that feel comfortable to you.
I don’t want anything from you except to stop wasting peoples time on here. You said one day around 6-9 months ago that you had moved out that day/week and were sitting in your new apartment. It’s impossible that that was true because your ip was, digit for digit, identical to that of your earlier posts at your parents’. IPs change all the time as you move locations. It could not have stayed identical if you were 45 mins away on cellular or new WiFi. That’s a fact. I think maybe you want to move out. You definitely know we want you to move out and get therapy, and you wouldn’t be the first poster to claim you did those things in order to shut us up so you could then keep us focused on whatever topic has your brain stuck on such a loop that you’ll write numerous posts coming at it from every angle including pretending to be other people (your dad for example, your mom).
Your dad is abusive and your mom is an enabler from what you’ve written. You need to be working with a therapist who specializes in familial abuse and SA. Please look up a list of therapists thru your health insurance and call a few of them. Someone will get back to you. Leave a message that says you’re an adult trying to leave an abusive home situation.
