Updates: “Seeking Tough Love” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing now. Today we hear from “Seeking Tough Love” who wrote in back in May of 2012 wondering if she should give her abusive ex-boyfriend another chance and whether she should consider moving in with him in October. She updated once before, saying she’d gotten back together and broken up with her boyfriend once again. Still, she kept wondering if he could change and whether they could be happy together in the long run. Her last update was almost two years ago. Keep reading to see where things are between them now.
Hi, Wendy,
I actually sent another [unpublished] update a year or two ago telling you something along the lines of: We were back together and things were better, but I still had doubts, etc. You wrote me back privately, encouraging me to not settle, and, while it wasn’t what I wanted to hear, I now know (and even knew then) that it was the truth.
I finally cut off all ties with “Jason” earlier this year. It took me moving across the country and starting a brand new life, but I can’t believe how happy I finally am. Being stuck in the same city with the same group of friends, I found it completely impossible to get him out of my life.
It’s embarrassing to think that I was “that woman” who fell for his lies time and time again. It was a classic cycle of abuse where things would be great and then they would go back to terrible again. I knew I could never really trust him, and I knew deep in my heart that I would never want him to be the father to my potential children. To think I was in that vicious cycle for close to five years of my life is a bit troubling, but I try not to have regrets. I think that, if it hadn’t happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I’m now in a serious, happy, and healthy relationship with someone who has all the same values and goals as I do. I know that, if all of that bad stuff had never happened, I wouldn’t have met him. I also probably wouldn’t have this amazing new job or be living in this great new city! It’s all still relatively fresh, but right now I really couldn’t be happier with the way things are turning out.
Your advice is often a tough pill for people to swallow, but I think that’s why people like myself write to you. Deep down we know what we really need to do, but, until someone from the outside lays it out in simple but (sometimes!) harsh terms, we don’t want to accept it. I think you do a really amazing job of making people realize their worth and to not settle for something that won’t bring them the potential happiness they deserve.
P.S. I completed that “Calling the One” book after your recommendation and, although as you said, some of the exercises are kind of woo-woo, it REALLY helped me get rid of a lot of the emotional baggage I was carrying.
Thank you!
What a thoughtful update, thank you! I’m so glad to hear you’re happy, and I wish you nothing but the best in your new city, new job, and new relationship!
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If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
What a fantastic update! Glad that the LW finally found the strength to end it for good and move on, no matter how long it took. All the best, LW!
This is an excellent update. Don’t kick yourself too hard, LW, the patterns of abuse are designed to suck in even the strongest woman. You should be so proud that you are “that woman” who summoned the strength to get away for good. Congratulations and so happy to hear that you are living a life you love!
I think this is a great update as well! I will continue to encourage you to take it slow in your new relationship since it’s been only just around 6 months since you uprooted your life, left an abusive relationship, and gotten serious with another. That’s so much change that can test anyone even someone who has worked through a lot of the emotional baggage that they’ve been carrying.
Yay for the LW!!!!!
I think it is a common trap in your early 20s to fall into the “omg we’re so great except for this one little anger problem, but omg we have the same values and dreams, except for his narcissistic tendencies, but omg…” kind of relationship. I know I did. And sometimes physical space (and a new healthy relationship) can get you out of that trap.
Good luck with all your new and exciting stuff, LW!