Updates: “Waiting To Hear The Words” Responds
It’s time again for “Dear Wendy Updates,” a feature where people I’ve given advice to in the past let us know whether they followed the advice and how they’re doing today. After the jump, we hear from “Waiting To Hear The Words” who was tired of waiting for her boyfriend of seven months to say “I love you” and wondered if she should say it to him first. “My fear is this: if he doesn’t say it back, I might revert to the insecure, unstable girl that I [once] was. I don’t want the constant anxiety and tears, always thinking that I’m not good enough to be loved. What should I do?” Find out what she decided after the jump.
Right on.
If you’re someone I’ve given advice to in the past, I’d love to hear from you, too. Email me at [email protected] with a link to the original post, and let me know whether you followed the advice and how you’re doing now.
Sounds like “Me too” IS “I love you…”
Yeah, it’s not actually “I love you, too” but it’s the same message.
Not a bad response! Sounds like he’s an Acts of Service love language guy.
This was my letter. Yes, he’s definitely an acts of service guy. He brings me groceries, picks me up from the mechanic at 7am on a saturday, cooks if I ask, drives me to the airport, cleans the snow off my car, helps me take my cats to the vet, rubs my shoulders… all those kinda things. I guess because I like words, I just wanted to hear “I’m in love with you!”
I came from a very “lovey-speak” home, my parents told me every day that they loved me. I, like you, felt I needed to hear the words.
My BF of almost 4 years grew up in a MUCH different environment, and I knew from start that daily declarations of love weren’t in my future with this man. I made a conscience decision to wait for him to get to a place of love in our relationship and prove that love to me in his own way because I felt he was worth the wait. Turned out, I was right! He has told me he loves me many times now, but it’s not every day or even every week. But like your guy, he SHOWS me every day how much he loves me: he checks my oil and tires before I go on a trip, he reminds me throughout the day of things he knows I will forget, he leaves me “just because” cards, he takes genuine delight in my successes, he makes me laugh when I feel cranky…I’ve learned from him that the act of loving someone is more important that the words!
They sound like keepers!
How long did it take for him to say the words?
I actually can’t really remember, I’m thinking it was at least a year in. I knew that he loved me long before he actually said it, so the first time I “heard the words” doesn’t really stick out in my memory so much now. What I think was the turning point in our relationship was actually a conversation we had about a year in where I kinda needed him to “give me something to go on” if you know what I mean. I expressed my fear that because he was so independant, I worried if we broke up that he would just go on with his life and be perfectly fine, and he quickly set me straight. I can’t rememer the first time he said “I love you” but I will never forget when I knew he loved me: he said “If you left me today I would be devastated” From that point on, I knew!
AWWW! That’s sweet. I don’t know if my boyfriend and I are ready for a talk like that. It has been about 6 months. I’ll just roll with it right now. I would love to hear that he would be devesated to lose me though. That’s deep.
There were times during that first year together where I thought “If he was the right one for me, he would know it and tell me, I shoud just move on and find someone who is head over heels for me”. Every time I had those thoughts, I told myself what an amazing person he was, and that the connection I felt was real. I didn’t tell him I loved him before he told me. I just trusted my gut that we were right together, and that my patience would be rewarded. I encourage you to do this Saro, because if he is worth the wait, you will be soooo glad that you gave him the space to fall for you on his own. (and then he will be devastated to lose you!)
Sometimes I feel like that too… that I should ask him where things are going and if he sees this as long term/serious etc, because if we’re not on the same page I should get out and find somebody else. But like you, I tell myself that he’s amazing and remind myself how well he treats me and how happy I am when we’re together. So I’m just gonna chill and let him go at his own pace.
My thought is that if he didn’t want to be with you he wouldn’t. Just like you probably wouldn’t go out with a guy you didn’t see a future with.
Exactly!
thanks for this letter, missdre. i’m in the same sort of situation with my boyfriend of a year and a half. in a drunken stupor one night i cried “…and you don’t love me?!” and he said “i don’t know, i don’t know what love is…” yikes. i haven’t brought myself to say it but by his actions i suppose i assumed he did… (we all know what assuming does). the thing is, he can talk about the future– our future– with no problem, i just wonder why he can’t decide if he does or not? do you REALLY not know?? coming from an affectionate family, it’s hard for me not to hear words of affirmation (i’m physical touch/words of affirmation lol). sigh. i’ve had to tell myself to just relax and let things develop as they will. if he didn’t want to be with me, he wouldn’t be– like he’s told me and like sarolabelle said! best of luck to you darling.
I understand how you feel, it’s so hard not to hear the words. And when people say “he wouldn’t be with you if he didn’t love you,” it doesn’t do much to reassure me. I’ve heard of plenty of guys who stayed with a girl because they liked her a lot and it was convenient, but they knew they’d never marry her. So it makes me nervous.
But this is what I tell myself… “Maktub!” It means, “It is written!”. Things happen for a reason and they will work out as they are supposed to. If our men treat us well and make us happy, we shouldn’t torture ourselves by worrying about how they feel.
I hope your guy will tell you soon. Maybe he has been hurt and he’s feeling cautious. If he talks about the future, that is a good sign!
Yeah, he will talk about getting married, kids, moving in together, we’ve traveled the world together and … You don’t KNOW if you love me?! It’s disheartening and hard to hear. He said he was young when he said it before… I guess I can take comfort in knowing if and when he does say it, he really means it. At the same time, I know what you mean about the staying with someone for convenience and because they are right for right now. I also think guys tend to make future plans based on how they feel in the moment and not so much on their intention to fulfill those hypothetical plans. But I’m somewhat of a cynic and overthinker and I know this is why I’m having such a hard time with his uncertainty. I need answers that make sense! To be honest I’ve made a mental timeline that if by 2 years he still doesn’t know, then he probably never will love me and we will have to seriously rethink our relationship. Which makes me sad but one can only go so long with such strong unrequited feelings :/ keep us updated, I’d love to hear how things go for you two:)
I agree with the act of loving someone is more important than the words. (although the words are wonderful to hear) We tell each other all the time, and make sure we show it, which is what I think counts.
Wolvie_girl I came from the same type of home so when I dated a guy though who would always tell me that he loved me but never showed it, I believed it. I always thought that someone wouldn’t say it unless they meant it. But then I got with my mow-fiance who rarely says it but shows it all the time. I had a conversation with him about it and his words were, “You can’t already tell in the things i do?’ He, much like you and Miss Dre’s guy, is an Acts of Service type of person. Everyone’s upbringing is very different and that’s definitely something to keep in mind with relationships. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship Miss Dre. 🙂
Thanks 🙂 Congrats to you and your fiance!
Maybe at some point in your relationship, you could talk to him about how important it is to you to hear the words sometimes, and you could ask to make a ritual of saying “I love you” to each other at a specific time every day (before going to bed, or something like that). For those who grow up in a family where “I love you” is rarely said, it might be hard to know WHEN to say the words.
I’m with you, LW. Sometimes a girl just needs to hear it. I know guys may express things differently, but it’s still hard not to FEEL hurt that he can’t express it in your language of love.
Not every guy is vocal about their feelings. From my experience, even him saying “me too” says A LOT already, especially when he backs it up with actions.
I’ll give you an example. My previous bf was big on saying “I Love You” but his actions never backed it up. As many times as he said it, I never believed him. Words are one thing, actions really do speak louder because it takes more effort.
I lucked out in that my current boyfriend is very vocal about his love for me both in words and actions. Even if he didn’t tell me he loved me everyday, his actions and how he looks at me tell me all the time. For me, that’s more important.
My fear when he said “me too” was that it was just something to say because he felt awkward and didn’t want to say it back. But I’m trying to be cool about it, because like I said he treats me like a princess. So I think we’re doing ok. But like every girl, I’ve had my heartbroken in the past and sometimes those fears come back and nag you.
I can understand how you feel. I always think about the movie “Ghost” when I hear of someone’s inability to say “I Love You”. What did Patrick Swayze (Sam?)character say, “Ditto”. I can live with that, and I can live with “Me too”.
I loved this update. Way to face your fears and just tell the guy how you were feeling!
Hey everyone on this thread. My boyfriend and I were talking about this subject and he suggested I listen to the song “Me Too” by Toby Keith. He’s says that explains a lot about how guys think and behave and it DOES! Here are the lyrics:
If i send you roses for no reason at all
If,out of the blue,i stop and give you a call
Once in a while,it’s breakfast in bed
And then pull the covers back up over our heads
If i call in sick just to stay home with you
I want you to know why i do what i do
It’s my way of sayin’ what i can’t express
But i want you to know,girl,i’m doin’ my best
Oh,i’m just a man,that’s the way i was made
I’m not too good at sayin’ what you need me to say
It’s always right there on the tip of my tongue
It might go unsaid,but it won’t go undone
So when those three little words come so easy to you
I hope you know what i mean when i say,me too
If you should wake up and catch me watchin’ you sleep
And i break the silence by kissin’ your cheek
If i whisper somethin’you don’t understand
Don’t make me repeat it,i don’t know if i can
Me too,me too,hope you know what i mean when i say
Me too,me too