bloodymediocrity
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Also, don’t say you were turned on by having a conversation with someone. That’s an inside thought.
It’s hard to really evaluate without knowing some more specifics of your situation.
But I don’t think it’s uncommon for a therapist to say “If you aren’t meeting these specific requirements, I won’t see you” particularly if we’re talking about medications like anti-psychotics or bi-polar medications.
What is the root cause for you to only take new medications for a couple of days? Is it forgetfulness or do you just not want to?
So, I think the first thing you need to do to accurately evaluate what’s going on is to start dispensing of language like “soul mate” or “the one”. When you think like that, you are kind of setting yourself up to pretty much excuse anything a person does, because you’re essentially saying that you are destined to be with this person. It’s not a healthy way to build a relationship.
More specifically though, I can’t be the only one who thinks something here doesn’t add up. His story is definitely SUS. Essentially his ex either attempted to sexually assault him or she actually did, yet he’s taken minimal steps to avoid her and even now is going to over to her house? The fact that he is spending time at her house casts doubt on his story.
I don’t really see a path forward here toward rebuilding trust, short of with the aid of a professional relationship counselor. You have a lot of reason to be wary and I think your alarm bells are going off for a valid reason.
The question you need to be asking is not “how can this relationship function?”. It’s “Why have I put up with this for so long/at all?”
This guy needed your emotional support when his marriage ended, and you ended up in a relationship with him, and now he’s doing the same thing.
The only way this relationship can continue is if you just give him carte blanche permission to sleep with whoever he wants, and you learn to live with that. Never have unprotected sex with him again (assuming you ever did in the first place anyways).
He’s shown you who he is over and over. Now the only question that remains is what you do with that information. So far you have shown him who you are: someone who tolerates shitty behavior and lets men walk all over them.
Are you going to continue to be that person?
Wait, was I the asshole here?
Yes, it is the people posting here who are easily offended! Of course!
Wow dude.
Wow.
My genuine advice would be to not date someone 19 years younger than you (unless you’re like 70 or 80, then at that point do whatever.) if you want a long term relationship. Asking someone 19 years your junior to commit to someone from a completely different generation in a complete is not a winning prospect for a serious relationship.
There’s also an inherent difference in power dynamic that is inherently icky, but I don’t know if we’re ready for that conversation.
Genuine question: what is it anyone said that you are perceiving as hostile?
You’re responding very defensively to people giving you an honest opinion, and accusing us of gaslighting, which…like…I’m sorry, but we have nothing to gain from gaslighting you. No one here wants to hurt you. We only want to give you an honest estimation of your situation that is present here.
I’ve been here a pretty decently long time, and there have been several regular posters who have come and gone who would occasionally like to dig their nails in. No one here is like that.
So here’s my honest opinion: your aggressive reaction to what people told you here is kind of scary. If she sent you mixed signals in trying to let you down easy, she might have been scared of you.
My dude. No one here is being harsh with you.
I do actually agree with you that you got some mixed signals in the course of the relationship. I definitely sympathize with you. But the whole point of an advice forum is to get the perspective from people who have no stake in the situation and can see the picture more clearly than you, who is clearly in the thick of it.
So to summarize
Yes, you received mixed signals. But there is also one very clear signal being sent that is telling you to move on. She gave you that signal and now all us on randos on this site are also giving you this signal: it’s over. This is your cue to lick your wounds and move on.
I concur with the others.
The bottom line is this: she’s aware that she could be in a relationship with you, but she doesn’t want to be. She might be giving you somewhat conflicted messaging, but it doesn’t matter because at the end of the day she doesn’t want what you want.
Look back on this relationship and figure out what worked and what didn’t work and learn from it. End contact because it doesn’t seem like you’re in a place to even be friends at this point. Be devastated and recover.
