Copa
Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I’ll also add, one of my buddies keeps getting older (he’s 34) but his dates and girlfriends don’t. He, too, lies about his age on dating apps (shaved two years off). Since his late 20s, he has consistently dated women who are 18-24 (but usually 20+). Some have been women he’s just wanted to sleep with, others have been relationships. There are a few things I’ve noticed. The ones he’s had actual relationships with, he has cared about the women and genuinely enjoyed their company, but I don’t think he’s seen any as long-term prospects. He also seems to like that it’s easier to date younger women because the expectations are generally lower, and the effort he has to put in is less. (I know this isn’t true of all young women, but I do think many 19-year-olds put up with crap they wouldn’t in their late 20s.) And the guy isn’t what LW calls a “loser type” — he’s a JD/MBA who works as in-house counsel for a major company. He’s not inherently ill-intentioned or out to hurt anyone — he’s dating around, having fun, not letting anything get too serious — but I find his dating habits sketchy.
I think it’s a red flag for a 29-year-old to date a 19-year-old. Your friend may be a consenting adult, but at 19-20, a 10-year age difference IS significant. The maturity and “life stage” gaps between most 19-year-olds and 29-year-olds are is HUGE. The older you get, the less it matters. I also think it’s weird that he shaved so many years off his age and didn’t disclose it before meeting or on the first date.
I doubt he’s looking for anything serious with your friend, though that doesn’t necessarily make him ill-intentioned. I agree that it’s none of your business. She’s okay with his explanations, so who are you to tell her otherwise?
BG’s SIL said that the first time she met BG’s sister it was a group situation with family and non-family thrown in the mix, and she kept wondering, “Whose sister is this? Who does this woman belong to?” She was too embarrassed to ask. (I, on the other hand, have no problem asking early on for reminders of how people are related, or joking that I’ll need a family tree to help me out.)
Ha. My dad’s side of the family is pretty big (my dad has just as many siblings as BG’s mom — I have WAY more cousins but none of mine have reproduced yet), so I know if he ever comes out to California with me to meet them, he’ll be subjected to the same chaos. I texted my sister from the bathroom that night to say, “Can you imagine meeting Dad’s side of the family all at once? Cause that’s basically what I’m doing,” and she laughed.
So I met BG’s mom’s side of the family at their holiday get-together over the weekend. His mom has five siblings and they were all there with their spouses, lots of cousins, cousins’ spouses, and a bunch of kids. Everyone was nice but it was a bit overwhelming to meet so many people at once. Joke’s on me for feeling like I was bringing him around all my friends and he wasn’t bringing me around anyone, ha!
I am SUPER swamped at work this month, and I’m reallllly excited to take some time off soon, and hopefully enjoy some of that time off with BG!
Maybe a silly question, but what does it mean to decide how much you should have on your registry? Is there a “right” amount?
I’m not there yet in my life, so I can’t’ speak from personal experience, but I have a hard time believing that everyone is completely doubt-free when it comes to these kinds of things. One year of dating also isn’t very long, in my opinion.
That said, I don’t think you should move in with this guy. For starters, why would moving in together *require* you to move and find a new job? Is he not willing to consider the possibility of uprooting his life to make this work? It also sounds like you have completely different timelines in mind for yourselves. And you fight a lot to boot!
I don’t even understand why you’re considering it, to be honest. You didn’t list a single reason you’d want to move in with him, but have a running list of doubts/hesitations.
@JD I had to take a written test to get my IL license when I moved here a few years ago and thought I was going to fail! Not sure if it was the same but there was a portion of the test that was ID-ing road signs by shape and there were a TON of them. Some were super obvious, some I’m not sure I’d ever seen before in my life!
@RangerChic The book is called Attached! https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1543962051&sr=8-1&keywords=attached There’s a quiz for you to find your own attachment style, and a quiz for you to determine your partner’s style. I guess just over 50% of people have a secure attachment style, while the rest fall into avoidant or anxious styles, and then a very small percentage are anxious-avoidant. Taking the quiz, I felt like I have a mix of anxious and secure traits, but feel like I have an anxious style after reading the chapter dedicated to it. They included a flow chart of how the anxious attacher thinks when something makes them feel their relationship is threatened, and for me, it was spot on. Whoa.
I’m reading a book on adult attachment theory right now, read a good chunk of it last night, and it is really interesting. I relate so much to what the book explains about an anxious attachment style! I really recognize some of these traits and behaviors in myself, in how I’ve felt and/or acted in past relationships. The first portion of the book includes some quizzes to help you figure out your attachment style, and as I was going through the quiz items, there are a handful that made me pause and think, “Well, in the past I did or felt X, but can’t imagine myself doing or feeling that with BG.” I think he has a secure attachment style, and it turns out these people are the ideal for non-secures. Anyway, thought some of you might also find it interesting!
Oh, also, some Neighbor News! My building is on the small side, and a lot of us have noticed an influx in dog poop in my building’s courtyard over the past few months. It’s gross, just piles left everywhere by someone who isn’t trying at all to pick up after their pet, and at night its easy to step in because it’s harder to see. I’ve always suspected it was Neighbor, but have never seen him do it. Another neighbor, who is kinda cooky and has a history of being temperamental (glad she likes me because look out if she doesn’t!), caught him leaving it the other day and went off on him. Hehhh. I feel a little smug that I was right and I’m so glad someone told the offender to knock it off!
Yeahhh, I haven’t had a roommate since college. Briefly lived with a boyfriend in my early/mid-20s. It’d be a HUGE adjustment for me. I think I’d need two bathrooms for a long-term living situation with a partner. I’ve thought about what it’d be like to move in with BG already, not gonna lie. He owns his place (I still rent) and I like certain things about it (generally very spacious, cute little sun room in the back, fenced yard) but also things that I hate (for its square footage the bedrooms are tiny, I’d pick a sunnier space, and only one bathroom). But I’ll worry about this stuff later, like IF we get to that point.
We talked exclusivity Saturday morning, actually! Complete with him asking if I am someone who wants to put this on Facebook. (Heh.) To which I responded no, I think that’s cheesy/silly/weird if you’re, IDK, past college. Over dinner on Friday we talked about things we want in our (separate) lives that I think speak to longer term goals/values (e.g., we’re both people who want to stay in the city proper forever as long as it’s financially realistic).
@veritek YAY! Is that the job at your company, or the one at the other company? Moving in with someone scares me! A couple months ago I actually had a meltdown about it and cried all over her office about how I don’t want to lose my independence, even though I’m not even at that point in my life/relationship. Ha.
