Copa
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I don’t understand the point of asking someone at work their age. You can literally Google that information and (most likely) find public record info that includes age without outing yourself as a nosy or insecure busybody at work.
But yeah, most odd/rude/inappropriate comments, in and out of the workplace, absolutely stem from insecurity. Like the appearance-minded executive director? I’ve heard him make “jokes” about others’ appearances, it’s not just me. I’ve also heard him talk about whatever diet he’s on at the moment on several occasions. I’d put money on his jokes about appearance being deeply rooted in whatever it is he feels about his own appearance. The person commenting on food and eating habits probably has a bad relationship with food. The person asking about age has hang-ups about their age and aging. I know I’ve been guilty before of projecting my own shit onto others here and there.
If I had a dime for every time I heard a woman call her food “unhealthy” because it wasn’t a salad or something nutrient dense and she hadn’t unpacked the diet culture she grew up around, I’d be rich.
Hi! Not Indian, but have a lot of desi and SE Asian friends… which doesn’t exactly qualify me to give solid advice about the cultural elements at play, but if you’re anything like my friends, I understand there are many parts of your personal life you keep private from your parents.
I don’t think announcing that you have a boyfriend warrants a sit-down conversation and in any case, assume you are away at school. If this were me, I’d slip it in during a phone call and not make it a big deal. Mention your plans together that weekend and make it clear that it’s a date. If they have questions at that point, they can ask.
So I have a coworker who likes to eat at 11:30 on the dot. My office has two kitchenettes and pre-COVID he would keep his food in the one closest to my office, so he’d pass by at the same time every day. He’s tall and lanky, and you could just tell by his bouncy walk/swinging arms/demeanor that he was pumped for lunch. I found it endearing, it was one of my favorite parts of my pre-COVID workday to see him walk by at his lunchtime. In theory, I could see myself commenting on it, not in a mean or inappropriate way… like, if it somehow came up? And I’d not phrase it like your coworker. It’s rude to say someone is always hungry, especially publicly.
I think when you asked over messenger if you always seem hungry, there was an opportunity to say, “Your comment rubbed me the wrong way and I’d appreciate if you didn’t comment on my eating habits.” Commenting on people’s food — what they’re eating, how much they’re eating, whether it’s “healthy” or not, etc. — is increasingly a topic people understand they should not comment on since so many people have issues around food.
At work, our executive director used to comment on my clothes sometimes. Not often, he works out of a different office, and he was never sexualizing me or anything (at least not aloud). He was attempting to make jokes, he thinks he’s funny, but it was weird and inappropriate. Initially I’d laugh uncomfortably. I stopped doing that. I never felt comfortable saying anything about it directly and it never felt like it rose to the level that I’d bring it up to my boss. The last time it happened, I stared at him straight faced and let the awkwardness of his comment hang in the air. It didn’t happen again, that was probably five or six years ago.
Other phrases I’ve used when asked questions I find inappropriate, though not in a work context:
– A cheery “Oh, what an odd thing to ask!”
– “Why would you ask me that?”
– “I don’t see how that’s relevant.”Anyway, I think it’s fine to say directly that you don’t appreciate the personal questions or open commentary on food habits in a non-confrontational way if you’re deeply upset by the comments.
On the heels of the conversation here re: expensive gifts, I have found myself on the “rude tweens are invading Sephora” side of TikTok and skimmed a few recently published articles about Gen Z’s skincare obsession. Drunk Elephant gets called out by name in a couple and they note the fun colors of the packaging.
Meanwhile, I spent some of my afternoon today going through my makeup stash. I cleared out an entire drawer of crap. Some of it is 10+ years old. I’m having a hard time parting with an eyeshadow palette that I know is over a decade old because I still reach for it sometimes, but it feels gross to hang onto now that I’ve done the math on how old it is? Never buying a palette again. I had ~30 “lippies,” most of which were free gifts with purchase. I pared that down to about a dozen, which still feels like a lot for someone who seldom wears anything but lip balms. I put aside a handful of items that are still in the packaging thinking my bf’s nieces might want them when we see them tomorrow.
Women are socialized at a young age to want to be chosen by men. That feeling in general is one that I think many women experience, particularly when they are young and haven’t unpacked a lot of patriarchal bullshit societal messaging, though IDK how many women struggle with that in context of porn. This is a topic to explore in therapy!
My favorite part of goal setting going into the new year is that it gives me something to focus on in the depths of winter. I ride the struggle bus every January and February. March is typically when I start feeling hopeful again.
@Wendy Do you think you have psychic abilities? I think that’s cool if you do. I’ve wanted to go to a psychic for the past year or so, but haven’t prioritized it. There’s one not too far from me that actually gets a lot of good reviews.TikTok actually feels like less of a cesspool to me than other forms of social media, but I think that’s because the algorithm is quite good. It knows to show me stuff like cooking videos and not teens doing awkward dances. It is my problem child app, though. I could scroll forever. I have a time limit set on it.
Work is blissfully dead coming back from holidays.
Anyone have any resolutions this year? I don’t, but have seen that “In/Out in 2024” trend on social media and have mentally given my in/out list a little thought. For me that so far looks like…
In in 2024:
– Thrifting
– Reading
– Walks and weight lifting
– Creative hobbies
– DeclutteringOut in 2024:
– Phone immediately before bed/on waking up (I am a doom scroller when I can’t sleep)
– Mindless consumption (of consumer goods, social media, TV, etc.)
– Hustle culture
– Scarcity mindset
– Negative body talk (something I think I will forever struggle with)
Oh no! I’m sorry you’re sick and that it has been rough for you, @LisforLeslie. Sounds like you’re on the upswing now, and I hope you feel better and better each day.
I have yet to catch it (that I know of). I caught a nasty cold/flu right around Thanksgiving and went to the doctor a couple weeks later, when my most obnoxious symptom (muted hearing) had not improved much. Learned I had two ear infections! One of my ears is still kind of messed up even after antibiotics so I think I need to go back to the doctor. My cough is still lingering over a month out, too.
If you need to hear it from someone else, LW, this guy is not your friend. He’s gross and disrespectful, to you and to his wife. I don’t remember the details of your last post (like ages, if you included that), but at 22 years your senior he sounds like a sketchy predator. And I mean he’s assaulting you so… he is a predator.
I think the therapist’s advice to set boundaries and then enforce them (by ending the friendship) is fine… it’s LW who has not been doing that but needs to, and acknowledges she has not because she is lonely.
You’re not accountable for the bad behavior of men, LW, but you are accountable for your own. You need to work on your self esteem so that you are making healthier choices about the company you keep. I promise being lonely is better than this. You also need to work on building your community/support system.
I was very scared of graduation and the unknown of post-grad when I was in college. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and we were on the cusp of the great recession. So I went to a graduate program without thinking too hard about it because they offered me a full-tuition scholarship. (More on this in a sec.) Even my friend who seemed to have it all together — she had a job offer in finance at a tech company in Seattle on graduation — freaked out once she got to the PNW. (Like, at one point got back together with the random guy she’d dated for a hot second in our college town the summer after graduation even though she didn’t like him, she wanted support and companionship while she adjusted, then dumped the guy right before he was supposed to fly to visit her. Well, he flew out anyway figuring he’d take a solo trip. He got mugged so she ended up having to spend time with him anyway since he had no other contacts locally to help.) The transition is an adjustment for everyone.
As someone who went straight from college to grad school, only to not want to use that higher degree in a traditional way, I urge everyone to not go to grad school until they have a fairly clear idea of what they want. It’s expensive, time-consuming, and stressful. I was still in debt even with the generous financial aid.
Set up a time to talk to a career counselor. You can find a part-time campus job and internships this way. Presumably your college has a school of public health. You can probably find some student opportunities there. You should also probably talk to a therapist for the residual trauma.
Do schools not kick people out for persistent failure anymore? The universities I went to did, so I don’t understand how someone can fail all their classes and still be allowed back. But I’m also “old” so things might have changed.
Anyway, while I think his grades aren’t any of your business and don’t really understand why you’ve fallen into this dynamic of kind of mothering him over them, you’re not shallow for breaking up with him over it. Not to mention, even if he was a stellar, motivated student, life often takes college sweethearts in different directions these days.
Lastly, if you aren’t already in therapy, I think you should be. I don’t think you should be this obsessed and anxious about your boyfriend’s grades, and suspect that’s just the tip of your anxiety iceberg. And I say all of this to you as someone who was absolutely plagued with anxiety the closer I inched to “the real world.” I knew there was no blueprint to follow after graduation and that terrified me. I wanted to cling to what I knew, and what I knew was my long-term bf with whom I’d talked about being together 4eva, but increasingly couldn’t see it happening anymore. We parted ways not long after graduation. Very sad at the time, absolutely the right move for both of us. Being in school can be a lot of fun, but there are very real stressors that come with that time period in life.
What is the purpose of sharing the text exchange with your mom here?
I have a lot of empathy since I know the holidays can be extremely difficult when your family is a hot mess, when your mental health is iffy, when you are alone and feel it. However, for the billionth time, you need therapy. Your issues — and your family’s issues — go well beyond the scope of what an online forum can offer. You need the support of a trained professional who speaks with you regularly IRL or on camera online, preferably one who specializes in your major issue(s). You can find one on Psychology Today, where you can filter by things like speciality, location, insurance, accepting new patients, etc.
