Copa
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I don’t understand why your most recent response is that you’re going to try to befriend the friend and spend time with her just the two of you. I’d cut the friend out of the process entirely. It’s great and smart that you want to stay safe, but it sounds like these are all classmates you know from high school, right? The guy you have a crush on is a known quantity, not some random dude you met on a sketchy dating site. And bringing a third person into the mix might give the impression that you’re interested in hanging out as friends.
This suggestion might get side eyed, but AOL Instant Messenger was really popular when I was in HS. In college, FB was brand new and at the time it was cool. You can use whatever technology kids your age use to help facilitate things like this if you want. With the caveat that the goal is not a prolonged online-only relationship, you’re trying to take things offline. I can think of a couple instances from HS and even college where I knew a guy from school, we’d message online briefly and exchange numbers if needed, and then let things take off IRL.
Oh! I was on an Amtrak train earlier with iffy Internet and had missed a bunch of comments somehow when I posted.
Um, yeah. @TacoTuesday IP isn’t always super precise in terms of location in my experience (e.g., my work IP used to pinpoint me to the suburbs of my city and still may), but when you use the same internet connection, the IP address does not change. So anytime I’m at work, the IP address is consistent even if I switch from my phone to my laptop. When I go home and post from there, the IP will change. Right now I’m at a hotel, it’d be different from both of the usual IP addresses associated with my account. IP is based on Internet connection.
Anyway. There’s nothing cowardly about putting space between yourself and a person, place, or thing that is harming you. I’ve learned a lot of things the hard way in this life and a big one is this: The need to be understood by people who consistently show you that they can barely understand themselves or have no desire to understand you will handcuff you to the most painful people and relationships. It’s fine to try to talk to a parent and try to make them see you. But when you receive a response that shows you they don’t want to understand you, the answer isn’t to continue having phone calls or writing a letter. The answer is distance and boundaries. And you really ought to be doing this with the help of a therapist.
Please 👏🏻 get 👏🏻 therapy 👏🏻.
You don’t need to call to make an announcement that you are going no-contact with your dad. You don’t even need to call to say you’re not attending Christmas if you feel that will turn into a confrontation… you can politely decline by text. If the text causes backlash, you can block.
Never been married or divorced, but I also think you are overthinking it. I have a sizable minority of friends who married and divorced young. Only one had a kid with her first husband. I’d say most cut contact with their ex-spouse and their family/friends completely, if not right away with intention then it just kinda happened with time. One stayed in touch with her ex-SIL for a bit, but realized it wasn’t great for her mentally (she’d find herself hoping her ex would hear how great she was doing w/o him… she had not wanted the divorce), so she cut that last small tie to him. Especially if they’ve maintained contact with you, I think occasional contact is fine. If it feels bad or messes with your mental health, it’s also okay to step back.
On the flip side, I have a friend whose late 20s/no kids sister is getting divorced right now. They just had their first Thanksgiving without her BIL after about a decade of him being in their lives. Her sister is happy to be divorcing and I think feels free. My friend is a little bummed to lose a BIL and hopes they can be friendly when the dust settles.
On the perimenopause discussion, I am not there yet in my own life, however, I saw earlier today on an account I follow on IG that Cambridge University recently published a study or article about the mental health side of things. I don’t have a link but thought I’d share in case it is of interest to anyone who follows this thread!
Congrats, @ktfran! Also excellent that you didn’t have to wait to find out how things would shake out… I feel like my company does nothing quickly, haha.
OMG the way I wanted clothes from Delia’s back in the day. The only time I ever got anything from there was when I was a HS freshman. I was living in my HS’s dorms and another girl who boarded — a senior — gave me a pair of Delia’s jeans that she no longer wanted. They were low rise flare jeans that faded from dark wash at the top to light wash at the bottom and had embroidered purple flowers on the bottom of one pant leg. I thought they were the coolest and felt like the hottest shit in them. I did also like Roxy but we did live on the west coast near the beach for a bit. I graduated from HS in the mid-aughts, by which point we were in the midwest, and credit the show Laguna Beach with the obsession kids my age had with dressing like we were about to shred a gnarly wave regardless of where we lived.
Lululemon now sells gently used clothes at a discount, for anyone not in the know. I’ve turned more to thrifting as I’ve gotten older. I can finally afford a lot of what I want, but… no longer really want it in the same way?
Also I’m not totally opposed to spoiling tweens/teens a little sometimes? Again, I don’t have kids, but I don’t mind spoiling his local nieces a little. We’re not over-the-top about it. But like… something like Drunk Elephant is dumb for a tween for the reasons @Kate mentioned. IDK about all pricey athleisure brands but I have a few pairs of Lululemon leggings that I run in, they fit and perform well, they’ve lasted me years… but for a tween, dropping $100 on a pair of leggings or $200 on a matching set that they will outgrow relatively quickly seems like an utter waste.
I don’t think you sound like an asshole at all. You and your husband are adults who work and can splurge on what you want and what works for you. Also, cost per use is real. I returned my AirPods — they didn’t stay in my ears and I found the noise cancellation feature jarring — but I have a pair of Powerbeats Pro and I use them daily. I’ve run two half marathons and a marathon with them. I’ve definitely gotten my money’s worth. They were a better purchase in terms of cost per use than, say, the $30 Target booties I bought last spring with good intentions but still have not worn.
I can see a tween or teen saving their money to buy something like AirPods. I did that as a tween when I wanted a portable CD player and again later in my teen years when I wanted an iPod. A responsible teen can probably handle AirPods, too.
I’m sure you’ve all been on the edge of your seats for this update that nobody asked for, but yesterday was day one of our work conference. I didn’t even have to be nosy or try to discreetly ask certain coworkers if we’re on the same page about the department I have complained about, it came up easily because others brought it up. Heh. I now know my boss vaguely knows about the thing I wanted to be a busy body about on behalf of my coworker — he shared that her boss knows and is unhappy. The coworker being taken advantage of is in our legal dept and our assistant general counsel, who has been in some of the same weird meetings I’ve been in, is on the same page I’m on. I think she raised the alarm to their (shared) supervisor. Anyway, I’m happy to know I’m not the only one and that high level directors and supervisors are more and more in the loop.
So, I don’t blame kids for wanting these things. Consumerism is very in-your-face with social media and it has normalized over consumption. But I do question the parents for buying ’em. When my sister and I were little, we’d put together our Christmas lists by writing down what we saw in TV commercials. (I still remember some 90s commercials for toys I wanted!) We did not get those things. My parents never bought us the “it” toys or “cool” brands, unless maaaybe there was a sale. IDK. I’m not a parent, so wtf do I know, but I can’t imagine myself being like, “Sure, I’ll buy you $78 maracuja oil infused moisturizer.”
As adults, my parents are fairly generous gift givers to their grown kids, but they also don’t have grandkids to shop for. I would prefer to only shop for kids and get adults in my life stocking stuffers.
I’ve been taking pottery classes and plan to gift some of the nicer pieces. I’ve thought about turning some of the uglier ones into candles.
ETA: Post-interview thank you emails make me so uncomfortable, haha.
I think Drunk Elephant for a 12-year-old is ridiculous. We’ve had enough skincare/product talk here that I’m sure it’s no secret that I have my own regimen and splurge here and there on specific items. But that stuff is so pricey! I can’t believe anyone would buy it for a kid. I’m an old fuddy duddy I guess.
@hfandtods:
– I don’t expect a thank you card for gifts given in person, but two of the nieces (the local two) often send them to us anyway. I love the cards, I think they’re adorable. I’ll be sad when the youngest stops sending them with spelling mistakes and big loopy kid writing.
– I still buy something for my sister. She gets stuff for us. Sometimes it’s stuff for us as a couple. Like last year she got us a gift card toward a cooking class. I can’t recall what I got her last year. She complimented my travel jewelry case on our recent trip so I was going to get her that this year.
– I get the bf a gift, too. I’m blanking on what I’ve gotten him. We need a new couch so he asked if we can just do some stocking stuffers so that we can buy a couch. Works for me! He needs new socks, so I’ll throw some into his stocking. Probably a couple other small things, too.
