Copa
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Sexism is still alive and well, yes. (I mean, even I’ve had to check myself and challenge my own thoughts sometimes over the years on realizing some of the ways I internalized sexism when I was younger.)
I don’t think it’s inappropriate in a start-up to expect employees to go beyond their job descriptions, however, expectations need to be made clear at some point. From the little I know, this sounds like incompetent management/leadership from the founders (men), which, coupled with sexism, is a recipe for a terrible office culture.
I work at a company that used to be almost exclusively men. When my boss was hired about 10 years ago, one of the long-standing, high-level directors who interviewed him told my boss that it was a shame he hadn’t joined the company a decade prior because the office still had Mad Men vibes. It was a “boy’s club” for a long time and that culture was hard to kill. I can imagine that a start-up run by men with attitudes like those described here can easily end up being the kind with frat house vibes and antics.
I’d not waste my time playing devil’s advocate.
It is disappointing when you learn a good/old friend is sexist and ageist. I have a college friends that I don’t see anymore unless it’s at a mutual friend’s event because I could no longer handle the things he said/thought about women. Like he’d even try to tell me — a woman — how all women think and whatnot. Hard pass.
@Kate is right about the all-hands-on-deck mentality of most startups. I’ve never worked at one and have no desire to, however, that’s an expectation that can be made clear during the hiring and interview process. Plenty of job descriptions include language like “must be able to occasionally lift XX pounds” or even a catchall of “other duties as assigned.” Maybe she’s inconsiderate… or maybe this company has poor leadership.Regardless, your friend and the men he work with are sexist and ageist and I’d wager the culture where they work sucks with this prevailing attitude. Women are physically strong and capable. (If these men believe they aren’t, I don’t see why they’re then getting upset that the head of marketing isn’t helping.) Women in their 40s are not old or weak. Your friend doesn’t need to personally like his coworkers.
Anyway, now you know more about your friend.
I don’t think you need to feel THAT bad for the journal IMO. I also had the “yikes” reaction, but you were young and also I think sometimes when people do kinda desperate stuff it’s because they feel desperate to be heard/seen and other methods of communicating haven’t worked. On my “yikes” scale, the journal doesn’t carry the same weight as the repeated horrible comments from your loved ones. Just my two cents.
OMFG your grandma is an asshole. That is a truly horrible story. I’m glad you cut contact.
I’m sorry, LW. It feels really bad when you tell someone they’ve hurt you and they brush it off, take no accountability, and tell you you’re the problem. Agreed that distance would be great for you. And therapy.
I put distance between myself and my parents (for different reasons) and even though I knew it was for a good reason, I was surprised at the amount of grief that came with enforcing boundaries with them. Therapy really helped.
ETA: This thread compelled me to look up women our society deems the most beautiful (ended up Googling Gisele and J Lo) to see if they have sisters, and both do. Gisele has five!
Oh nooo @RangerChic. I’m so sorry about Bugzy. I’m sure he was the best dog. My dog is my first pet and he’s five, and I sometimes think about what it’ll be like when his time eventually comes and I cry about it already! I can’t imagine.
I didn’t get sick and ran the marathon! Never in a million years did I think I’d be able to do that. It was a great day. The race crosses the border into Canada and they dropped all COVID-related entry requirements about a week out, which made things easier.
Have you ever said anything to the people making these comments? Because I would. Like I said in a previous comment, I’m kind of a petty b so I’d be making smartass comments intended to make people hear themselves and even feel a little uncomfortable. You’re allowed to say something (doesn’t have to be my approach).
My sister and I have always gotten the “you two look nothing alike” comments and I actually do recall a couple instances of friends in HS telling me she was really pretty and understanding the inference that by comparison I was not. I definitely knew back then that I was not the pretty one and I was insecure at that point in life, and while I’m sure those moments stung, the comments really never settled under my skin. That’s part of the reason I made the comment above about looks changing, putting yourself together in a way that makes you feel your best, and generally finding your confidence — because I was the later bloomer in many ways. And why I keep asking if there’s anything about yourself/your life that you like/makes you feel good. In every response, you’ve vented and listed more grievances, which I guess is fine if it helps, but really, is there anything? I’m honestly curious. You’re in school. What are you studying? What are your favorite classes? What do you find interesting? Do you have any hobbies?
Regardless, new therapist. Learning to set boundaries is important. Your inner monologue is important. Therapy can help with that.
I guess… what else is the sister supposed to say when LW tells her directly that she feels like she has everything? If she’d said, “Yeah, I do have pretty privilege and organic chemistry came naturally,” LW would still feel lesser.
I can think of instances where I was jealous of my sister. Most notably, she moved to NYC to move up in her career around the same time I finished grad school with no job prospects in sight and had to move back in with our parents. I did feel jealous that she’d found her path and was having an absolute blast and I did feel like I was failing, but those feelings were separate. I never felt like she had everything while I had nothing. And I know it’s not the same thing because he never compared us (to our faces), but my dad definitely put down the first job I did nab out of school.
So IDK. I can appreciate that it really must hurt to be compared all the time (and think it’s wild that somehow it’s an entire town of people who don’t know not to make these comments), but I also feel like LW can start taking control of who she spends time with and how she views herself. You’re not lesser, LW, you’re two different people meant for two different paths.
My paternal grandma also favored her oldest grandchild. She was never a jerk about it, though, and the rest of us grandkids would make jokes about how he was the prince of the family.
Your grandma sounds like a jerk, but if she really told your parents that you didn’t get a trip because you merely skated by, IDK why they relayed that to you. What your aunt said to you was also inappropriate (not to mention kinda dumb since most 21-year-olds are very much still finding themselves and making plenty of mistakes in the process). You can distance yourself from family. I have done so myself (albeit for very different reasons) and it’s amazing what a little space can do.
I’m not sure what else to say, except distance and therapy with someone new. I’m not sure rehashing all the grievances is helpful. The resentment will keep building that way. Therapy can help you break the thought patterns you’re currently struggling with.
Is there *anything* about yourself/your life that you like and/or think you’re good at and/or enjoy?
I guess I don’t understand why it would hurt your feelings when your sister says people assume she can’t be bright and pretty. That’s how she feels and it’s just as valid as how you feel. It does suck to be underestimated and to have to work harder to be taken seriously. I don’t know why you think this is a reflection on you or your looks. And as far as appearances go, people can do a lot to make themselves look nice. Flattering clothes, a good hair cut/color, maybe a little makeup… plenty of average people walk around looking and feeling good when they learn what works for them. Not to mention, beauty is subjective and looks fade.
And yes, your therapist sounds really bad. I don’t think you need to move (unless you want to). I think you need higher self esteem and better confidence. It’d be easier to drown out the noise with both.
Okay, I believe you! Sorry, wasn’t trying to call this one fake, but it did seem a little exaggerated. I’m glad the teacher who brought up her appearance was reprimanded because that’s super inappropriate and I’m sorry about the ex-boyfriend’s shitty behavior. That really had to hurt!
Without meeting you two/just going off this snippet of your lives, you sound like the more emotionally aware sister who goes to therapy to become her best self while your sister hides behind her armor made of humor… and IMO that’s actually not a small thing at all.
I also have an older sister and I know teachers who had both of us sometimes did make comments, but I never felt like I was being compared unfavorably. I think in HS I did sometimes compare myself to her — puberty definitely treated her with more kindness during those awkward years! — but for the most part, I’ve always thought of us as two different people with different interests, strengths, and weaknesses. Your sister may seem perfect and the comments comparing you two may make that feel even more true, nobody actually is. Agreed that taking up hobbies/activities that make you happy is a good move. You have value even if you’re not the hottest, most intelligent, most athletic person in the family.
I’d probably call out family members out if they continually compared me to my sister, tbh. Not sure if that’s bad advice, but I’m pretty direct. I’m also a bit petty and wouldn’t hesitate to turn the tables enough to make them feel silly or uncomfortable for whatever they’d said.
So I’ll be honest, it’s *really* hard for me to imagine teachers (plural) commenting on a former student’s looks or putting you down as described or a therapist behaving as you say yours did. Or your dad saying he’s intimidated and jealous. Those details felt exaggerated to me, but assuming everything you’ve said is factually accurate, I think you should find a new therapist and continue going. Your sister may have a lot going for her, but you need to focus on being your best self instead of focusing on all the ways you feel you don’t stack up.
Thank you! He feels… not great, not awful. This is WAY better than the last time he had it. We’ve decided to stay apart to the extent possible while he recovers and he’s masking indoors for my sake. Both times he’s had COVID, we’ve had plans I don’t want to miss right around the corner. Any other time, I think I’d take my chances. We’ll see how I fare!
