Copa
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Just reporting out that the Glossier vitamin C (and, apparently, magnesium) serum is noticeably evening out my skin tone. So, that’s nice.
I had the same thought re: the car. How would it make her less independent to buy a used car from you vs. buying a used car elsewhere? That makes zero sense. In both circumstances, the original owner is paying for their use of the car first. Then she’d buy it and it’d be hers. Your logic implies that the cheaper price tag of a pre-owned vehicle somehow reflects the buyer’s independence rather than the fact that it’s no longer new.
If you’re able to take a step back, maybe you can ask her if there’s anything you can do to help and actually listen to what she has to say. And then do that thing instead, even if that thing is sitting back.
Right, she’s probably saying disrespectful things because you’re treating her like a child instead of accepting that she’s a young adult with her own plan for her own life, her own way of wanting to do things. You’re making her feel belittled.
The more you write, the more I understand why she doesn’t want the strings that would be attached to the help you are offering her. Your my-way-is-the-only-way attitude sounds overbearing.
Your viewpoint is understood, people know that you are trying to be helpful. But if it’s not what the person you’re trying to help wants or needs, it has the opposite effect. Your daughter has made clear that she wants to do things independently of you. If you want to be helpful, support the decisions she’s making. I don’t understand why you can’t take a step back.
@anonymousse I lived at home for awhile to put a dent in my student loans and save before moving out. I’m sure my parents worried when I took that plunge — they knew how deep in debt I was and what my starting salary was (it was fairly low) — but it was important to me to be independent and figure out how to make my life work on what I earned. Thankfully nobody tried to micromanage my life when I decided it was time to leave.
I did go through my own share of struggles and worries about money — I don’t think you’re wrong that the first years on your own can be difficult, LW — but in my 30s I’m glad for what they taught me. I think I’m more grateful for all I have now than I would’ve been had someone always swooped in to save me before I could test my own wings.
Not terribly long after that initial move, I got a job in my current city and called my dad to talk it through, proving that even the fiercely independent kids will still come to you for your input sometimes. When they want it and need it.
I had $10K in savings when I moved out. I furnished a one-bedroom apartment with a mix of hand-me-downs (my dining table), shopping at IKEA, and shopping at thrift shops at garage sales for things I felt comfortable buying used. This is normal. Most 20-somethings aren’t out there shopping for luxury couches to furnish their first places. She’ll be FINE. And she’ll learn a lot in the process about things like budgeting, financing larger purchases, what she can/can’t afford, what she values new vs. used. Let her be.
I didn’t see the response when I wrote my original comment, but oof. Yeah.
Your daughter is literally telling you what she wants to do and you’re invalidating her. Stop. She’s 25. Her opinions, wants, and needs are all valid, even if she’s not doing things the way you would. I doubt she “doesn’t understand the deal she’s missing out on.” Instead she has her own reasons for wanting to do things differently. The way you’re treating her — like she’s an incompetent child — is insulting, really.
So again: Let her do things her way. If she makes a mistake, she’ll learn. If she asks for help, offer it then. Consider getting a dog if you have a deep desire to be needed.
Give your daughter her space and independence! You seem well-intentioned, but she needs to learn how to navigate these things on her own. It’s not the slight that you feel it is.
My parents liked to be involved. My dad was always wanting to be too involved. My sister always allowed him a higher level of involvement than I allowed did. I’ve always preferred doing things on my own because I didn’t/don’t want to deal with their opinions, preferences, judgments, questions, etc. unless I asked. My sister and I are both in our 30s now and my sister needs so. much. help. still. She has decision paralysis over everything. She moved to my city a handful of years ago, I believe she was 32 at the time. She couldn’t pick an apartment on her own so my dad literally drove six hours EACH WAY in a single day to look at two apartments with her. Either would’ve been fine. Maybe he likes feeling needed, but I do find it wild that she still needs my parents’ approval. And what will she do when they’re not around to approve?
All this to say, helping isn’t always helpful. Let her come to you if she needs any help or advice or if she wants a second opinion. If you still need a role to play, I will say that as the more independent variety of child, it would’ve been nice to hear that my parents were proud of my ability to figure things out on my own and make solid choices.
I haven’t been to NYC since my sister left the city, but I used to LOVE the High Line!
Wow, you are a fast walker. Haha. So for reference my morning walk with the dog, per my Garmin, was 2900 steps and 1.3 miles. I care more about miles than steps and aim for about 4-5 miles total throughout the day, which is pretty doable as a dog owner. I know not super easy for people who don’t have dogs that need walks, partners that do that chore, or people who live in an area where they are car dependent.
I was gifted the first generation Apple Watch back in 2015 or so and absolutely hated it as a fitness tracker. I ended up giving it back to my dad so that he wouldn’t waste money on something I knew I’d not use. I’ve read that they’ve gotten better for that purpose. They’re nicer looking than the Garmin I have, though.
@ktfran That’s probably fairly accurate. I use a Garmin and it’s quite accurate for running… 7,000 steps is over 3 miles, so if you’re walking for 45 minutes and getting 6,000 steps, that actually sounds about right. It’d be a just under 3 miles, right? The boyfriend and sister both use Fitbit and with both of them, if we go on the same walk, their step count is always higher. So I dunno. And in any case, I don’t think it really matters. It’s all fairly arbitrary and I think some form of intentional movement at least a few times/week if not daily — whatever makes ya feel good! — is what people should aim for. I’m happy to live in a walking city. I didn’t own a Fitbit back when I lived the suburban car commuter life 7+ years ago, but I would’ve had to make a big effort to get the same amount of movement in then that I do now.
@TheLadyE I’m sorry you and your family are having a rough year. My parents have a lot of marital issues and have for ages, and while my parents’ problems are different, I’ve found it helpful to not engage. Their marital problems are theirs to sort out and if one needs a shoulder to lean on, well… that’s what friends and mental health professionals are for, not children. Highly recommend setting some boundaries there so as to not make someone else’s burden yours to carry when you yourself have enough of your own problems to deal with. I felt mean when I started doing this, but for me, it was crucial.
And yes to walking! It’s super underrated for weight management and mental health. Put some earbuds in and grab your pups! Set attainable goals for yourself. Maybe right now it’s just walking at least one mile/day. When that becomes habit, up that goal a little. The whole 10,000 steps thing is great, but the number is arbitrary and if you’re currently very sedentary, probably not the best/easiest goal to start with.
Also just pulled the trigger on my next vitamin C serum and have decided that Glossier will be my pick to click this time. It’s an inactive form of vitamin C — the most stable variety! — and a better choice for people with sensitive skin (on account of poorer absorption). Also supposed to be the best type of vitamin C for anyone with pigmentation issues and who wants brightening. Will report back! It’s sold at a lower to middle-of-the-road price point. Maybe finally picking a type of vitamin C based on my actual skin type and concerns will finally lead me to my holy grail product. Who knows!
