Copa
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Hmm. Well, you ARE still on the lease, so I don’t know that it’s unfair to ask you to help (especially since you could still be held accountable for the place under the agreement). I also wonder if, after four months, he has close friends to ask to do a big favor like this for. You may well be the one person he actually felt comfortable enough to ask.
If it is in the bylaws that the management company must show the place, then that is the route you should both take notwithstanding.
Is breaking the lease an option? I once moved just a few months into a 12-month lease and was surprised at how accommodating management was.
I am/was literally booked up every weekend from last weekend through the end of the year thanks to holiday crap. No thank you!
@courtney89 That’s kinda fun! You’ll have to let us know how it goes! I wouldn’t worry a ton about the age difference. You’d know already if he were immature and obnoxious. I was always okay dating younger and found that the age for how much younger got a bit wider as I got older (e.g., at 25, I didn’t want to date a 22 year old, but at 30, I would’ve been fine with a 27 year old). I almost always swiped left on people I knew in person.
I am honestly pretty jealous of Canadian Thanksgiving’s timing. I hate how close Thanksgiving and Christmas are for us. It makes an already busy, already stressful time of year busier and more stressful. I live in a different state from my family and holiday travel is expensive.
I say take the high road with MoV’s sister! Easier said than done, I’m sure, but she’s the kind of person I wouldn’t want to leave any room for her to say anything bad about me. Not that that has seemed to stop her, but still…
I had a great weekend with BG! On Saturday, we went to our city’s holiday market and yesterday we went to a new restaurant that opened here that specializes in a very specific dish that I haven’t been able to find since my family lived in Japan almost two decades ago.
Next weekend, we are doing a quadruple date with three of his college roommates and their wives. I’m excited. He has a lot of friends, but in the past few years, most have paired off, started families, and moved to the suburbs. It’s been hard for me to really get to know his friends because when I’ve met them, it’s mostly been at big gatherings. So I’m excited for a smaller group setting.
I’ll be heading to Florida to spend Thanksgiving with him, his mom, and his stepdad and am excited for a break in the cold weather. As I’m sure many of you have also experienced, it got really cold really early this year and I’ll be happy to read by the pool and relax for a couple days before work gets crazy for me in December.
ETA: I’m excited for Florida, but honestly feel kinda sad that I won’t be going home as I usually do. I don’t even particularly enjoy Thanksgiving with my family, but I feel a little sad notwithstanding!
@scorpio I have no words of wisdom or anything to say that will make you feel better. Break-ups suck — they just do! I found, as I got into my 30s, that my break-ups felt easier in that they felt less traumatic (I’d been through it before, knew how to handle/distract myself and better manage my emotions, knew I’d survive) but I also felt the disappointment more acutely cause it was also kinda, “really? again? I’m back at square one again!?” But, I’m glad you seem to be as positive as you can be under the circumstances. I second @Cleopatra_30’s comments to make sure you take good care of yourself — cry when you need to, stay involved in your favorite activities and pick up a new one or two should you feel so inclined, talk through your feelings in therapy, and, of course, tell us about it in this thread! (Crazy fact: I have received support from this community for major and mini break ups since I was 25. I’m 33 now, and so much wiser from all the wonderful people who contribute their thoughts/experiences/words of support.) I also really like physical activity when I’m anxious or sad and highly recommend it, even if it’s just getting outside for a walk.
@hfantods If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t buy together before marriage or engagement either. I feel like you’re nicely situated to keep saving to buy, either together if you tie the knot or solo if you break up. Moving into a rented place together would be a good move, and you’d probably also be saving money faster toward a downpayment if you’re splitting the rent.
I will say, I’m a little bummed BG already owns. It’d make it easier for me if he didn’t. I don’t hate his place — there are some features/amenities to his unit/building that I love — but I wouldn’t have picked it for myself, and that makes me less enthusiastic. I’d rather find a place together that we both feel enthusiastic about and make it our home together. The idea of asking him to sell and move makes me feel kinda guilty (though I think it has investment property potential). I also wonder if, when he settles down in his new role at work and the novelty wears off/hedeals with some crappy winter commutes, HE will want to move by his own accord to be closer to the freeway.
And @moneypenny I can totally relate to not feeling a huge rush to be married. For so long, when I was single, it felt like the finish line (I always knew it wasn’t, but that felt like the goal). But now I’m just enjoying my relationship. I feel happy in it. I used to feel anxious in my past relationships, felt like I had to be perfect and wanted to rush every step along without even thinking about WHY I wanted to do that and if I even realllly wanted to do it with that particular guy. I don’t feel any of that now. Like, what is this lovely calmness of being loved as I am even though I know he sees my flaws? I’m a big fan! I would like to marry, eventually, but I no longer feel that sense of urgency to force the puzzle pieces into place.
OMG the amount of crap we own collectively. It overwhelms me a bit. I don’t know how any of what I own would fit in his bachelor pad of like eight years. It’s full! He was saying last night that we could first live at his place, then look for a new place. But I do think I’m leaning toward waiting on a firmer commitment, then finding a place together that would be more permanent. BG’s place is fine, but it’s farther from transit than I’d ever choose for myself, and I rely almost exclusively on transit. And then, yeah, there’s the, do we enter into a landlord/tenant agreement? Is it fair that he’d be benefiting from my helping him with his mortgage? Last night was the first night it’s come up as a true idea, we didn’t get into the details of anything and obviously need to talk in-depth about it.
Not to steal @hfantod’s thunder or change the subject, but BG floated the idea of me moving into his place next summer when my lease is up. He owns his place, I rent mine, so it makes practical sense. Even though I’m less inclined in my 30s to move in with a partner without a firmer commitment and would need to wrap my thoughts around that more before we have a real discussion, I’m open to the idea, but want to make sure the terms would be fair. So if, while answering @hfantod’s question, anyone has any insight into or experience with moving in with someone into their owned home, would love to hear some thoughts!
Maybe what you’re feeling is a little bit of regret… like now that you’re hearing him say these things, you’re feeling like if you’d worked harder or hung on a little longer, you could’ve worked through your biggest deal breaker with a guy who was otherwise a great fit. But I don’t think that regret is yours to have; it’s his. You did what was within your power to do, which was vocalizing that there were areas of the relationship leaving you dissatisfied. I mean, he knew this was a problem for awhile, but made what sounds like no effort to change how things were, meet your needs, or vocalize his own. It sounds like he’s either happy with the vanilla sex and would be more sexually compatible with someone who feels the same, or has some issues or hangups around sex.
ETA: I say this not to give you false hope, but I’ve seen a few instances of couples getting back together successfully after breaking up. Not many, but a few. The one thing they all had in common was a clean break and a good amount of time to focus on themselves (the shortest break-up was a little over a year). The parties involved all moved on like that was it, their relationships were over forever, and came back together as different versions of themselves, if that makes sense.
@Cleopatra_30 Generally speaking, I don’t think that’s a great idea. I think the hope of reconciliation can stop one or both people from moving on the way they should after a break-up.
Yeah. Neither BG nor my ex are doctors. BG works in software, the ex worked in logistics/operations. It sounds like BG’s on-call schedule will be rotated with his coworkers, so at least it won’t be ALL the time, but I’m unsure how frequently issues will pop up. He’s so new that I’m sure he has no idea either. He tried to do what he needed to do from his phone, but couldn’t, so he had to leave. It was disappointing! He apologized and said he’ll bring his work laptop with him from now on when he’s on-call. My ex usually could handle what he needed to over the phone, but occasionally he’d have to go into work unexpectedly. I still remember the look on his face every time his work ringtone went off. He hated feeling like he was always on the clock.
My friend and her boyfriend are over! I guess I misunderstood the story. She found out about the soon-to-be ex-wife because he broke up with her in a way that felt very abrupt and made no sense to her. So she took to Google and did a pretty deep dive, or so it sounds, and now feels foolish that she never thought to do that in the first place since they met online. I’ve never done more than a superficial Google search for an online date, so I told her not to feel bad. He’s a bullet dodged. I feel bad about it, though. She doesn’t deserve that.
@Veritek MOV’s sister sounds awful. I personally wouldn’t bother to sit down with her to try to work things out. Neither of you have to be close to her just because she’s family. I can’t remember how old you said she is (like 30ish?) but I wish someone would tell her to grow the fuck up. Worse things have happened than your brother getting married a few months before you. Glad you had fun doing your engagement photos, though! I liked the previews you shared on IG, and that red dress/scarf combo!
In my relationship, BG started his new job a few weeks ago! He’s liking it so far but so far not much has changed for us as a couple yet. This job doesn’t entail much travel (yay!) but he was gone last week for training and has another one coming up, and I guess has a two-part exam to take that he wants to get out of the way ASAP. He generally works in healthcare and will now deal with being on-call periodically. Last night we were carving pumpkins at my place when he got his first on-call assignment (or however it’s called) and he wasn’t able to do what he needed to do from his phone, so he had to leave early. Which was a bummer! I’m glad my sister was with us so I had someone to finish the pumpkins with! Curious how the on-call thing will shake out. My last LTR was with a guy who also worked in healthcare and also had to be on-call (totally different roles, and the ex was pretty much always on-call) and it was hard sometimes.
