dinoceros
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That sucks, Ale. 🙁 I’d agree with Kate. At this point, I feel like should know. I tend to be skeptical of someone who says they don’t (especially if it’s been hanging out on the back burner for a while) and always wonder if they do know but don’t want to say it (or are at least lukewarm enough that they think they don’t know).
I had a male co-worker describe to me once what he looks for in a woman. First thing he said was “fit.” I asked how you know if someone is fit, since you can be physically fit and have different body types. He said “not too skinny but has muscular calves.” I asked if he really looks at calves, and he said yes. That tells him whether she’s fit or not. I guess volleyball or rowing would be out though. He also told me he won’t date a woman who wears makeup because that tells him that she won’t be interested in going hiking with him.
It’s ridiculous the kinds of judgments people make based on specific details of someone else’s appearance.
I can see how sometimes people who have experienced certain type of bad experience in dating might want to try to screen people out. I just recall a guy I dated who said he wanted to be with someone who communicates well, and later, I found out he also believed that “all women are bad communicators.” Some people say things and just mean what they say, and some people say them because they stereotype. I think a lot of people know how it comes across, so they rein it in, which is why it might seem cringey if someone chooses to say it.
I do agree that dating seems to have gotten worse. I’ve wondered if it’s a snowball effect. People experience ghosting or other bad habits, and then feel like “everyone is doing it,” so they ghost too. Not that all ghosting is bad, but the kind that really should be a conversation instead.
We had a young woman come to an interview, and we knew her mom was on the trip with her but not at the interview. (She had to drive several hours, so we were like, OK, whatever). They stuck her with me for a little while in hopes that as another young person, I’d tell her how awesome the area was and make her want the job. And she seemed to be sold, except she mentioned to me that her mom didn’t want her to move so far away and that her mom didn’t like the apartments they had driven by. In the end, she turned the job down because she “wasn’t interested in the field.” We sort of knew at that point that her mom had gotten to her because it seemed unlikely that she’d suddenly change career paths in a day.
Does he currently think he’s going to end up alone? Because that’s probably not a good sign in regard to seeing a future with you.
I don’t think you “have” to be there because everybody’s been there. I’ve had conversations like this with guys before. One of them turned out to actually be cheating on his pregnant girlfriend with me. I’m not saying he’s involved in anything that shady, but being able to say nice things in a conversation doesn’t mean they are changing or that deep. Probably the “deepest” conversations I’ve had with men I was dating were guys who were not interested in a commitment because that requires a lot more verbal gymnastics to keep someone around. Guys who were truly into the relationship didn’t have to talk to me for hours about the relationship because we were clearly on the same page and could just live our lives.
I think that society’s image of men being incapable of expressing feelings and thoughts can be really deceiving and makes women think that having a conversation about those things with a man makes him some sort of super hero.
I’m super confused now. It sounds like you told him that you may not be interested in sticking around since you are not on the same page, but that’s actually not the case?
Also, I think him saying he can’t text is more on principle than anything. He *can* text every day. But he doesn’t want to owe you anything because that feels too constrictive.
I didn’t really all the comments, only some, so forgive me if I repeat some stuff or get off track. I’m confused about what part bothers you. Does it bother you that she wasn’t a virgin or are you jealous that she got to have other sexual experiences and you wish you had too? Those are two different things. You need a new therapist. He basically is blowing you off when you talk about that issue, and as much as you may like that he’s not challenging you on it, you’re never going to get over it if you don’t get some push back. Therapy is about going through the hard stuff that your brain would otherwise push down if someone wasn’t there making you talk about it.
My first thought was that this was about something else. After this many years, if you’re still wishing you had been with other people, it makes me think that you’re not happy with your wife. Like maybe you feel like you “should” be happy but aren’t, so you’re sort of creating this feeling to justify why you aren’t. Or something other than that. But to still be dwelling on this for this long means something.
In terms of telling her (I did read those comments), I’m torn. On one hand, yes, this is a bad time to tell her. But considering pregnancy will turn into an infant will turn into a toddler, etc., there’s not really a good time. Or if there is, it means more years of you stewing and her not realizing that you aren’t happy. I’d want to know if my husband felt this way, mostly because I would want to let him loose to go find his sexual experiences and let me find someone who actually wanted to be married to me. Maybe part of what’s eating you up is that you’ve been hiding your true feelings about your relationship for years?
“I’m going in knowing she has every right to say no. My goal is to turn her diamond into a family one. I am under NO assumption that it is MINE. I understand fully that it is hers and it would be a major thing for her to part with it.”
Yeah, but there’s merit to not putting a person on the spot. If you and your mother have a very open relationship, where you both feel OK being brutally honest with each other, then fine. But if not, even if you feel inside (and tell her) that you aren’t assuming, that doesn’t mean she won’t feel pressured. I guess you could mention to her that you like the idea of having heirlooms and hope that maybe her rings could be in the future, and if she chooses to say, “Hey, would you want it?” OK, and if she says, “OK, you can give it to your kid one day, ” then OK for that.
I assume the “gain” would be more shared experiences and a closer relationship, etc. But I’m a little confused about how you know he’d agree with that. If he agreed and wanted that sort of life instead, it seems like he’d have already made changes or at least brought up the conversation. I don’t mean this in a rude way, but that’s not something you can convince someone to want.
Surely he’s smart and observant enough to see your challenges, specifically by the fact that you just can’t go on vacations with him. It sounds like you’re putting a lot of weight on the idea that he doesn’t understand, but that if you help him to understand, he’ll make changes. You’re definitely welcome to have that conversation, but I think it’s good to be prepared that he already sees everything pretty clearly and is actively making decisions about what he wants — and to know what your response will be if that happens. Because by the time that you get to that point in your life, his ability to do all that might be waning, so it’s important to consider if this is sustainable if you two are never on the same page.
ETA: Maybe he doesn’t know what it’s like to have a gf, but maybe he knows and that’s why he hasn’t had one…
You guys just don’t sound compatible. It’s fair to want a boyfriend around and to not always vacation without you, but if it’s what he wants to do and he can do it, he should. He doesn’t appear to want to stop, and I assume that if he stopped for you, he’d eventually be fairly unhappy and resentful over it. He probably should be with someone who can travel with him or who likes that he goes on vacation all the time.
I have a hard time with the pile on thing, because essentially any post/letter where there is a common opinion that differs from what the LW believes seems like it could be considered a pile on. I think it’s a side effect of having a public forum where each person is allowed to post, no matter how many comments have already been posted.
And there are plenty of LWs who have gotten negative feedback from almost everyone who have gotten mean (but often hilarious) BGM comments too.
