dinoceros

I think the tone and content of his post/replies probably affected the conversation more than anything. It’s not wrong to ask or to want to go to the wedding. But the post and first several replies focused only on him wanting to, saying his wife overreacted, and the stats and logic behind his decision. If he had written anything initially that had explicitly said that he understood her POV, was concerned about missing the birth or her feelings, etc., then I think he would have gotten more slack.

If you want strangers to respond as though you are compassionate and concerned, then you have to convey that in some form.

So, I think too much emphasis is being put on the likelihood and also not enough. You have to balance that with the impact of the consequences. Missing a wedding and no baby comes yet is not equal or worse than missing your child’s birth. I am a little perplexed about why a person would feel that terrible if they stayed home and nothing happened. That’s like getting upset when you pay for health insurance and then don’t get sick. Being an adult is unfortunately sometimes means you have to take precautions for things that may not happen.

At the same time, I think you clearly realize that it’s more likely with 3 weeks to go than it is with 5 months. It becomes more likely the closer it gets to the date…

I guess I’m just not understanding why it’s such a big deal to not go. I had to miss a wedding once because I had just started a job. I lived. The bride and groom lived. Life doesn’t always work out as planned. Seems like this is meant to create resentment for no reason.

I don’t think it’s uncommon to not text much between the first and second date. At that point, it’s too early to have the kind of relationship where you need to keep in contact for the sake of being in contact. Some people are texters, and some aren’t. I also think that for a lot of people, having “interest” in someone after a first date means something different from the interest you have in someone after dating for weeks or months. Interest at that stage might just be that you are interested in seeing them again, which doesn’t really have much to do with texting.

I think women who date men get into a position where a lot of times they are given this very narrow age range that they can date. If you’re in your 20s or 30s, it’s very likely (but obviously not the case for everyone) that if you date someone your own age, you’re going to be looking for different things. As a 30-year-old, I’m told that I probably should look at older men because men in their early 30s still want to have fun and aren’t looking for something serious. But then women in their 40s who are interested in men their age and even older find that many men, especially those who are ready to settle down and start families for the first time, are looking for younger women. So, I agree that people of all genders should try not to be critical and understand that there’s more to the package than just looks. But I think that a lot of the complaints women have stem from the fact that depending on your age, there’s often a very small slice of men who want what you want with someone your age. So, while those men may have a variety of options and may have the opportunity to make selections based on appearance and youthfulness, women might not.

Of course, I feel like this is going to be a lightning rod, and I definitely am not grouping all men together or even all women. But there are some people in society who get to choose whether to date someone older, younger or the same age as them (which can affect things like interests and other commonalities), and there are people who don’t get much of a choice.

So, I’ve also been lurking. I also want to point out that someone saying they don’t want to date someone who is divorced doesn’t mean they are saying divorce is bad (I also don’t think it’s bad to go into a marriage not assuming it’ll last forever — if I get married, I’d like for it too, but I am aware it doesn’t always, and I’d survive that). But they are saying that’s not what they are looking for at that time. It’s similar to saying you have other types of preferences. Not saying people who don’t fit that are bad, but you’re looking for something specific. I can see how someone might think it’s naive or whatever to say that they want someone who hasn’t been married, but a lot of people like the feeling that their partner hasn’t promised “forever” to someone else and that they are experiencing all the firsts of marriage together. As several people have said, preferences change over time.

I would be fine with dating someone who is divorced, but since most divorced men I have met have kids, I tend to be cautious about pursuing someone who is. (Plus, there’s still not a TON of divorced people in the age group I’ve been dating prior to now.) I think whenever someone withholds information about themselves that is commonly shared in order to make people give them a chance rubs some people the wrong way. I get it and it’s not wrong, but a lot of people think that is a form of manipulation. I dated a guy who didn’t tell me he had a child until we’d been seeing each other for a bit, and it bothered me because it took away my autonomy to decide whether to go on multiple dates with someone with a kid (I would have declined) and it made me wonder what else he was withholding about himself to make himself look better.

I tend to lurk on this thread, but not comment because I am not going on dates. 🙁

Veritek, I didn’t perceive your comment to be complaining or anything. You literally just listed the things you did and said you were tired. I didn’t read anything negative in there at all, and I didn’t perceive that you are lacking perspective on the fact that other people might have busier weekends. There’s always going to be someone who is a busier. A person with three kids might be busy, but a person with 8 kids is probably busier than that. I don’t think it’s bad to say you’re tired if you are, even if someone else feels that they are more tired than you.