dinoceros
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I don’t really text or talk on the phone with anyone before I meet up with them. In my regular life, I use texting as casual chatting or catching up with good friends, so it feels weird to do with someone I don’t know. I think last time I was on a site, we didn’t even exchange numbers because I feel like most people have email or apps on their phone, so if they message to say they were late, I’d still see it.
“Jealousy and nagging” are not enough to push a person’s stress level over the edge. If they were, then it’s a sign that person is unable to balance their own life. In order to be in a relationship, a person needs to know how to have a job and a life and a relationship all at the same time. If they can’t, it’s on them. Plenty of people do it.
Yeah, my parents’ divorce hasn’t scared me off from it. I associate their issues with them, not with marriage as an institution. I know there are legal issues that can be obnoxious to deal with, but breaking up with a long-term partner of like 10 years is not going to feel much better than breaking up with a spouse of 10 years. I think I’m more realistic about marriage, though. Part of why I don’t want to change my name if I get married is that I don’t want to have to change it back if I get divorced, but I certainly hope that if I get married, it lasts. I just know that it doesn’t always, and that’s OK, too.
I think some guys talk about hypotheticals because they think that’s a thing you say in relationships, not realizing that when other people do it, it’s because they actually envision those things happening with that person. I’ve had guys talking about logistics related to meeting their parents (like “Oh, don’t mention that to my mom when you meet her”) or something else in the long-term, and then finding out from them literally weeks later that they never intended on getting into relationship together. Or a guy who knew that it was never going anywhere because he was going to be moving away (but hadn’t gone public with that info yet). I think for them, they felt like talking about doing something in the future together or meeting parents or whatever was similar to like saying “I had fun on that date with you!” or “You’re so <insert compliment>.” Like they didn’t seem to have any concept that a person might say it specifically if that was a thing they foresaw actually occurring in the future.
That sucks, Ale. 🙁 I’d agree with Kate. At this point, I feel like should know. I tend to be skeptical of someone who says they don’t (especially if it’s been hanging out on the back burner for a while) and always wonder if they do know but don’t want to say it (or are at least lukewarm enough that they think they don’t know).
I had a male co-worker describe to me once what he looks for in a woman. First thing he said was “fit.” I asked how you know if someone is fit, since you can be physically fit and have different body types. He said “not too skinny but has muscular calves.” I asked if he really looks at calves, and he said yes. That tells him whether she’s fit or not. I guess volleyball or rowing would be out though. He also told me he won’t date a woman who wears makeup because that tells him that she won’t be interested in going hiking with him.
It’s ridiculous the kinds of judgments people make based on specific details of someone else’s appearance.
I can see how sometimes people who have experienced certain type of bad experience in dating might want to try to screen people out. I just recall a guy I dated who said he wanted to be with someone who communicates well, and later, I found out he also believed that “all women are bad communicators.” Some people say things and just mean what they say, and some people say them because they stereotype. I think a lot of people know how it comes across, so they rein it in, which is why it might seem cringey if someone chooses to say it.
I do agree that dating seems to have gotten worse. I’ve wondered if it’s a snowball effect. People experience ghosting or other bad habits, and then feel like “everyone is doing it,” so they ghost too. Not that all ghosting is bad, but the kind that really should be a conversation instead.
I don’t think it’s uncommon to not text much between the first and second date. At that point, it’s too early to have the kind of relationship where you need to keep in contact for the sake of being in contact. Some people are texters, and some aren’t. I also think that for a lot of people, having “interest” in someone after a first date means something different from the interest you have in someone after dating for weeks or months. Interest at that stage might just be that you are interested in seeing them again, which doesn’t really have much to do with texting.
I’ve dated guys shorter than me, bald, and with no college degree. Everyone is welcome to have their preferences, even if I don’t like them. That wasn’t my point. My point was that I don’t think that women having opinions with regard to age preferences automatically made them shallow and judgmental. I wasn’t saying that women are superior to men in this, which seems like how you interpreted it. Everyone has judgments and preferences. I think women wanting men who can “support” them are annoying just as I think men who think women their age are too “old” and unattractive are annoying.
“I won’t date a 28 year old man because he’s not as settled in his career or looking to get married immediately” that’s a 28 year old man “who doesn’t get much of a choice”
Just to clarify, I was referring to people looking for someone interested in a relationship vs. hooking up/FWB. Perhaps if the 28-year-old in question assumes that wanting a relationship is the same as immediately wanting marriage, that’s part of the difficulty he’s having?
I think women who date men get into a position where a lot of times they are given this very narrow age range that they can date. If you’re in your 20s or 30s, it’s very likely (but obviously not the case for everyone) that if you date someone your own age, you’re going to be looking for different things. As a 30-year-old, I’m told that I probably should look at older men because men in their early 30s still want to have fun and aren’t looking for something serious. But then women in their 40s who are interested in men their age and even older find that many men, especially those who are ready to settle down and start families for the first time, are looking for younger women. So, I agree that people of all genders should try not to be critical and understand that there’s more to the package than just looks. But I think that a lot of the complaints women have stem from the fact that depending on your age, there’s often a very small slice of men who want what you want with someone your age. So, while those men may have a variety of options and may have the opportunity to make selections based on appearance and youthfulness, women might not.
Of course, I feel like this is going to be a lightning rod, and I definitely am not grouping all men together or even all women. But there are some people in society who get to choose whether to date someone older, younger or the same age as them (which can affect things like interests and other commonalities), and there are people who don’t get much of a choice.
So, I’ve also been lurking. I also want to point out that someone saying they don’t want to date someone who is divorced doesn’t mean they are saying divorce is bad (I also don’t think it’s bad to go into a marriage not assuming it’ll last forever — if I get married, I’d like for it too, but I am aware it doesn’t always, and I’d survive that). But they are saying that’s not what they are looking for at that time. It’s similar to saying you have other types of preferences. Not saying people who don’t fit that are bad, but you’re looking for something specific. I can see how someone might think it’s naive or whatever to say that they want someone who hasn’t been married, but a lot of people like the feeling that their partner hasn’t promised “forever” to someone else and that they are experiencing all the firsts of marriage together. As several people have said, preferences change over time.
I would be fine with dating someone who is divorced, but since most divorced men I have met have kids, I tend to be cautious about pursuing someone who is. (Plus, there’s still not a TON of divorced people in the age group I’ve been dating prior to now.) I think whenever someone withholds information about themselves that is commonly shared in order to make people give them a chance rubs some people the wrong way. I get it and it’s not wrong, but a lot of people think that is a form of manipulation. I dated a guy who didn’t tell me he had a child until we’d been seeing each other for a bit, and it bothered me because it took away my autonomy to decide whether to go on multiple dates with someone with a kid (I would have declined) and it made me wonder what else he was withholding about himself to make himself look better.
You didn’t cause this result. Unless you ask someone about exclusivity sometime crazy, like on the first date, bringing up the topic isn’t going to run someone off if they otherwise would be interested in a relationship. Even if they felt it was too soon to be exclusive with an individual, if they generally want a relationship vs. something casual, then they would value the conversation and want to talk about where things were going. Based on his response, it wouldn’t matter when you brought it up — he was always going to not be interested in commitment.
Also, you shouldn’t blame yourself for his behavior when he was drunk. Alcohol doesn’t totally free people from all personal responsibility. If a person acts inappropriately while drinking, then they shouldn’t drink that much.
I hope that you don’t go forward thinking that the situation could have be different if you had done things differently. That’s not a good lesson to take forward into other dating experiences.
