dinoceros

I haven’t read through all the responses, so I apologize if I repeat something that’s been said. People want to imagine what their life would be like if they were with the person in the profile. It’s hard for them to do this with you because it’s mostly about your inner life within your mind. The only external stuff is about people who aren’t them, like your boss/co-workers and nephew. I like books, movies, food, etc., a lot of solitary things, but when I write a profile, I put those in but sprinkle with more active/external things. Even if it’s something you don’t do ALL the time, but just like to do. I mention hiking even though I don’t hike a lot, because I do it from time to time, and if I had someone to go with, I’d do it more (creeped out hiking alone).

Also, you need more specifics. It’s a major turn-off for me when someone won’t list actual books, music, etc., they like. It makes me think they are sort of bland. Plus, the more things you list, the more likely someone will see their favorite tv show or movie and think they should contact you.

I think both of you sort of hoped for the ideal situation. You married someone with a history of alcohol and drug problems and hoped he wouldn’t start again, and he presumably had hopes for that as well. Or he thought that once you guys were married, he could start back up and you’d have to accept it.

I understand your concerns. Any addiction (whether it is from a physically addictive substance or it’s an emotional addiction to something that makes someone feel good) affects your relationship and has a ripple effect on everything else. Plus, it’s no fun if your partner spends most of your time together high or sneaks around and lies. Aside from that, yes, him being involved in something illegal is sort of a ticking time bomb. Everything might be fine, but he also could get fired at any time. Particularly if he’s the kind of person who can’t just maintain a habit, but keeps diving in deeper. Like if after work turns into before work or not going to work (my friend’s BIL is currently in the position where he misses work to get high a lot). I think everyone is clear on the fact that drug testing catches marijuana use if it’s not before work, but I think the point was that if a person appears high, they are more likely to be drug tested.

Anyway, unless he has intentions of immediately acting to curb his habit, I’m not sure there’s much you can do to change him. You can just decide what you want for your life. I think it’s probably best to be with someone else who share similar values. Definitely make sure you don’t have kids with him before determine whether you want this to be your life.

I think there’s a lot of good advice here. To be clear, you don’t need to feel guilty about this. Even though you have an opportunity to learn more about boundaries and enforcing them, what he did was wrong. It’s not OK to start kissing someone without their permission. It’s also very easy to not know how to react in the moment. I don’t know anyone who is born knowing how to react when a stranger kisses you, and it a lot of situations that are scary or unexpected make us freeze. Most of our lives are spent learning how to be polite in public and not to ruffle feathers, so feeling comfortable shoving someone is uncommon for a young person. Just because a person doesn’t react in the perfect way in a situation and get themselves out of it doesn’t make it their fault.

I’m not sure if you actually continued making out to get experience, or if you’re telling yourself that because you feel like you’re to blame and you want to figure out a reason. What seems most likely to me is that you were shocked and didn’t know how to respond.

Someone mentioned talking to a counselor, which I think would be helpful. It doesn’t matter if there were other things you could have done in the situation. It doesn’t change that it’s a jarring experience and there are a lot of underlying issues for you that you may need to work through. (Including the racism aspect here).

So, when you say he was living in a different country during part of your marriage, do you mean he was living in Australia, or was the Australia thing from before you were married?

Yay, Veritek!

Say whatever you’d like to say to her. Only you know what that is. The first post, you sounded like you wanted to get back together. The next post, you were avoiding her. Now, you are still avoiding her, but seem concerned that getting together isn’t the right thing. Whatever you’ve decided on at this point, say that.